1812 Overture

The 1812 Overture (Make Putin Go WOWOWOW), Op. 49 was a battle plan for orchestra and "a butt-load of cannons" in E-flat Major written by Tchaikovsky to defeat Napoleon Bonaparte, who had allied with the Legion of Doom to assassinate Jesus and burn down Russia and other United States territories. Although completed in 1882, about 70 years after the war had ended, it was so successful that the entire audience at its premiere was killed due some form of artillery fire, and most of the French army suffered severe cases of soiled underwear and brain hemorrhaging for the next several centuries.

Two Events

The Music

Introduction

After Napoleon Bonaparte earned the honorable titles petite from France, shorty from England, klein commander from Germany, and many titles like that at every European country he invaded, he realized that the only title he had left was the Russian so he tried to invade Russia.

What Happened

Petite Shorty Klein Commander....Napoleon Bonaparte was defeated by the Russian army with the Russians' clever usage of vodka and Russian roulette, the details of which are still a mystery.

The thing is because many people wanted to play Russian roulette they played it with cannons which in the end (as anybody would have guessed as to what happens if you play Russian cannon roulette in your house) left Russia in ruins.

Pyotr Illych Tchaikovsky was so upset that one of these cannonballs fell in his precious swan lake (both the ballet and the lake) and killed many of his swans and ballerinas he decided to have revenge on France, he started composing an overture in the name of France and named it the 1812 Overture. The term "1812" has no meaning; it is said that Pyotr Illych Tchaikovsky was at that times obsessed with numbers and thought that a four digit number where if you sum the digits of the number you get the last two digit number of the actual number whould be an interesting number and he wrote several of them in his composing sheets, 1812 is one of those.

Premier

The premier of the overture was given in front of the Louvre Museum where Pyotr Illych Tchaikovsky would finally have his revenge. The cannons used in the music were placed under several bushes, one behind a double bass and one behind the original Mona Lisa.

Many of the most important figures in France attended the premier and the premier began. The music was tremendously wonderful because it was so loud that it surpassed the DB decibel range of human ears. (at that time one unfortunate Vincent Van Gogh was observing pictures at the museum and he could not stand the sound and cut off one of his ears).

Tchaikovsky's moment of revenge had finally come and he signaled for the cannons to fire. Many houses were demolished and many people were killed throughout the process, mostly from cannon fire and some from the delirium they experienced at the sight of the burning beard of Pyotr Illych Tchaikovsky and at instant exposure to all the pictures of the Louvre Museum.

One unfortunate event for Tchaikovsky was that the cannon behind the double bass wiped out the entire first violin section of the orchestra where Pyotr Illych Tchaikovsky had to play the last parts of the overture himself with his tiny little pocket violin.

Finale

Pyotr Ilych Thcaikovsky had his revenge and this event is reconstructed in many orchestras throughout the world (with empty cannons of course) because the music was so great.

The War

The 1812 Overture began in 1943, when Christopher Columbus was still trying to find his lucky underpants before he set off to circumcise the world. Ol' Pete Tchaikovsky had begun testing his theory of Cannons are Woodwind Instruments. Inserting a lab rat into each of fifty cannons, Tchaikovsky assigned like eleventy-katrillion pipers to man them. However, in one trial, Piper No. Seventeen-Twelve-Or-So confused a lab rat and a very rat-like stone ham.

"And lo, the adamant brawn flew forth from that black barrel of hope, soaring as the clouds parted...[the] Angels could be heard, singing in perfect cacophany, as the projectile traveled across the Russian border, right into neighboring France. And the day was won. Oh, how it was won." ~Oscar Wilde on "The Stone Ham"

As Mr. Oscar said, the ham entered France. This angered the French greatly. They had just the week before launched the ham into Russia for safe disposal. Angered, the French launched a full-scale sausage war. They invaded, using Strawberry Shock Troops. Little did they know that the Russians were completely unallergic to strawberries. Also, a major contribution to the victory was the 1812 Overture. The 1812 Overture is the nickname of the Special Forces Team that Tchaikovsky sent in to blaspheme the French. The war was won, and Tchaikovsky was the victor!

Members of the 1812 Overture

• Drew Carey

Special Powers: Eyebeams, Overweight; Weaknesses: Turkey Sub

• Billy Bagman

Special Powers: Bag-Wielding action; Weaknesses: Homelessness, Poverty

• Omelette Almighty

Special Powers: Cheesy Goodness, Thin Crispy Buildup Around the Edges; Weaknesses: OMG LIEK WTF R U KRAZY!?

• Jabber Jaw

Special Powers: New York Accent, Eleven-Time Spittoon Champion; Weaknesses: He's a FREAKING SHARK AND HE'S ON LAND

• Robby the Sheath

Special Powers: Sword-Eating; Weaknesses: Tangerines, People with Eleven Toes

• Sukhdeep

Special Powers: Lacto-Vegetarian super height. Weaknesses: Meat, Quick paced conversations

• And the Rest

Special Powers: The Power of Theme Song Absence; Weaknesses: Completely Overlooked by the Masses