Many people think making drugs is insanely easy. They think we just find a big dollop of the stuff and cut it into little chunks for their poor, underdeveloped minds to consume hour in, hour out, and sometimes while shaking it all about. However, we at Honest Corporation want to dispel this myth (despite rumours, not because we want to get the cops off our backs, purely for informational reasons, you hear!). To do this, today we lay bare the secrets of our production of 1,3-beta-galactosyl-N-acetylhexosamine phosphorylase, the most famous drug no-one has ever heard of!
Betas[edit | edit source]
Even before adding any of the ingredients to the mix, we hold closed to the public betas. This is where the majority of our information regarding the product comes from, so you can rest assured that all zero tests we conduct are of the highest quality. We have several quality control personnel, who work tirelessly to ensure that the nothing we do is done to standards approved by the Procrastination Society. These people have been brought in especially, and we feel that this is their true calling, as they were rejected by all other posts that they applied for. It must be fate!
We have received some criticism from regulators in the past about this treatment, especially from those nosy watchdogs. Their criticism is unfounded, however. Even if they "don't see any actual work going on", we assure all our betas have nothing wrong with them. It is vitally important that what our ingredients go into is as polished as High Heaven itself after a good clean by Moses – otherwise, something might actually go wrong! Not that anything has before – those explosions you hear are merely cars backfiring. What do you mean there are no roads anywhere near here? How did you get here, you polluting alien? Eh?
Galactosyl[edit | edit source]
You know your window sill at home? Pills need them too. They're much smaller, and you can't rest your coke on it, but trust me, they're there. They're very small ridges, but they can be veeerrryyy troublesome. They kill more people on the way down the œsap...no, I'm talking to you, aren't I...throat, than both syphilis and Grand Theft Auto combined. Horrible game, that is. Poisoning minds like some dirty rat!
Anyway, we at Honest Corporation want to fight this
because we got fucking sued to protect our valued customers. As such, we add a special mixture called galactosyl to our drugs. This removes these painful sills, making it very much easier for you junk...uhh, consumers to enjoy your favourite product! We have recently found out that this has also decreased finger cuts by up to 26%! This allows the drug taker to, after inevitably overdosing on the product, exogenerate themselves in any way they desire! Choice is the buzzword, at Honest Corporation!
"N"[edit | edit source]
The mystery ingredient "N" is added second. What is it? It could be anything. It could a donut. It could be pie. It could be a sausage. Honestly, anything. Except x, which does not mix well with the other ingredients here for some reason, we honestly couldn't care less. We don't intend to use x, you shouldn't intend to buy it, yadda yadda yadda I'm getting off topic excuse me a minute. Jodie, get me a steaming coffee over here, I'm getting bloody tired with all this "explanation"! And none of that de-caf crap!
So...N. We don't know what it is. We don't know what it does. We don't know how much we put into our drugs. Hell, we don't even know how it gets in there! All we know is that it's so addictive, so... tarry... that it happens to be the glue, oh so sticky glue, that holds our customer base together. And remember, if you ever happen to solve for N, send us the goddamn algebraic proofs. We need our copyrights, dammit, all those leeches copying our formulae!
Acetylhexosamine[edit | edit source]
Ah, acetylhexosamine. The magic product. It has "ace" in its name, it can't be anything less than brilliant! I mean, we've already stated that N is the addiction that keeps our customer base together, but jeez, acetylhexosamine is probably the most important invention in the history of Honest Corporation. Why?
Sixes. No, not sexes you dick. You see, one pill is never enough for the majority of our customers. It does not allow them to become... as vibrant, shall we say, as they want to be. Without acetylehexosamine, our produce would not even be large enough to supply our vast customer base with even that paltry amount. This special ingredient contains a hex, however, which expands what little paste we have so far created into a huge vat of tablet-y goodness, enough to feed our entire customer base six times over! And remember, these things aren't exactly filling right now, so that's one big vat! But that's where our final ingredient comes in...
Phosphorylase[edit | edit source]
You're looking extremely confused right now. We can have a break if you want, allow yourself to actually absorb some of these facts for the first time since you attended primary school? No? Then stop whining, and let's carry on to our last ingredient, phosphorylase.
What does phosphorylase do? Well, if you'd actually been listening to
this article, uhh, my commentary... yeah, just forget that last sentence. Anyway, if you'd been listening, you'd know that it would have something to do with shrinking, since, you know, I mentioned the absolute masses of stuff we had in the last paragraph. Funny how paying attention changes things, eh?
We're sure by now that this is magic. Why? Because we can't be arsed to explain some massive chemical formula thing... I mean, we simply have no explanation. Really, we just add the stuff and it suddenly becomes the right size and shape. We like to thing there's a mage in there doing all the grunt work, we call him Steve. Yes, Steve. We don't really have imagination around here, not that you'll have noticed...
Wrapping it up![edit | edit source]
Pills have an iconic form. The circular shape and small size have become iconic in teenage culture, and you just won't sell without it. Thus, this final stage is where we take that unappetizing paste, and transform it into something madheads know and love. We know about those online petitions of
yours theirs, we know that those rectangular pills are oh-so-close to death for them. You see, this is one reason that we show we are committed to producing top-level customer service! Honest Corporation...believe the name!
Well, this concludes Honest Corporations presentation on the making of a successful drug. Please leave the auditorium quietly, and remember to take your free sample of 1,3-beta-galactosyl-N-acetylhexosamine phosphorylase on the way out, which, hopefully for us, will set you on an unavoidable addiction to giving us lots of money for an inferior product. Thanks for listening, and come again soon, dammit!