Wheeling Jesuit University/old

The Old Version

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Wheeling Jesuit University is a Roman Catholic university in the Pacific Basin. Located in Wheeling, West Virginia, it was "founded" in 1954 by the Society of Jesus (known as the Jesuits, or the Black Mamba Association when undercover). Being the only Jesuit university in West Virginia, it serves as a de facto base for Black Assassin Operations based on secret instructions as issued by His Holiness the Pope himself.

The university also is the founding site and current base of operations of the Churchill Society, Wheeling, which is not to be confused with other Churchill Societies that may or may not exist in outer rims of various solar systems (including our own). A well-rounded Jesuit education used to include a holistic view of academics and service for others, but these days WJU's operations have been more or less reduced to money-laundering and/or lacrossetitution.

Book of Martyrs, or, a History of the Lives, Sufferings and Triumphant Deaths of the Primitive as well as Protestant Martyrs: From the Commencement of Christianity, to the Latest Periods of Pagan and Popish Persecution - The Formative Years

Wheeling Jesuit University was founded after the Roman sacking Isenguard of in 76 AD. The University's first purpose was a penal colony where inmates would be rehabilitated for life on the “outside.” To better facilitate this rehabilitation, the Romans added a school of higher learning for the inmates in 123AD. Known as the Wheeling College for the Criminally Insane, it would be the first penal colony-higher learning center in the world. Life was hard for the original inmates between the 12hr work shifts and the classes they were required to take (this penal colony system was later replaced and renamed as the "Academic Resource Center"). Over time there emerged problems with the system as many student-inmates found it difficult to complete their studies and their mining quotas. To rectify this, the Romans brought in athlete-inmates who were exempt from academic accountability. Later, when the labor camps were abolished, this tradition would be continued and expanded under the imperial reign of the Fed Acker Huang. The program would be popularly referred to as “D for Donation.”

When the Romans abandoned the University in 326 AD, the camps and school fell under the Dschinghis Khan protectorate. While the quality of life improved for all, the ridiculous dress and customs soon created a rift between the students and their protectors that would never be bridged. Also, geography lessons in the form of song and dance only increased the longing for students to attempt escape. Most escape attempts were foiled, however, by The Back Gate or Campus Insecurity. The quality of the education was increased under the Dschinghis Khan protectorate, especially the arts and sciences.

All good things come to an end, and while that has no application here, the Dschinghis Khan protectorate fell in 1683 under the pressure of both the Ottoman Turks (an army of six janissaries filmed from different angles), lead by Prince Coxar, and Jesuit Emperor Fed Acker Huang. While Fed Acker Huang was very progressive, he made quick use of the vast resources of the school. Using a convenient fire that destoyed a number of buildings in the camp, he used the labor camps to build his Domus Aurea. Then in a brilliant move, he blamed the fire and the “accidental” construction of his summer home on prime school real estate on the remnents of the Dschinghis Khan protectorate officials who were “t3h ghey.” Having consolidated his power and having a "bitchin'" summer home, Fed Acker Huang abolished the labor camps in an attempt at winning the affection of the student population. While only moderately successful, Fed Acker Huang remanined untouchable. In an attempt to rewrite history in a more favorable manner as well as to fulfill a really large ego, the Fred Acker Huang pushed the founding date to a much earlier date (1954) in an effort to confuse and confound any potential accusations of misuse of school resources.

Ironically, while the school continued to function in this fashion, the immortal Fed Acker Huang was bodily assumed into space by the Space Pope to be tried for crimes against humanity in 1952. The Jesuit Emperor was found guilty and sentenced to forty years of hard labour on the distant moon colony of Mettaluna. Wheeling Jesuit University thus found itself leaderless, like a chicken without a head.

Fortunately, in the same year, Father Donahue unearthed in Rome a series of secret documents as part of an archaeological project. These documents listed Fed Acker Huang's various plans for using WJU as a base for world domination, as well as the location of the Emperor's super-secret money cache. Father Donahue discovered the money four months later, but could never bring himself to spending it all. Instead, he used to buy Wheeling Jesuit University for the purpose of transforming it into an actual school. In a tricky twist of fate, Wheeling Jesuit University was open to students in the fall of 1954.

This system continued for many years until Jesuit Emperor Fed Acker Huang returned to Earth from his long exile on Mettaluna. Enraged by what his creation had turned into, he immediately declared himself Lord Commander over "every ****ing thing to do with Wheeling Jesuit" and desired nothing more than to bring WJU back to its glory days. Unfortunately, even Fed Acker Huang was not immune to the effects of bureaucracy, and he was booted from office shortly after the completion of "Codename:ASC".

Academics

Wheeling Jesuit University prided itself in being an academic university until Queen Maher emerged from the deep and used mind-control toxins to incapacitate the entirety of WJU's administrative capacity. Since that horrific date, WJU has taken a tragic turnaround and, shamefully, is actually the first university in the United States that offers underwater basket weaving as a major. Supporters say that those who graduate with the aforementioned degree are more likely to get jobs that philosophy majors, but others disagree. For more information about Queen Maher's rise to power, see Queen Maher.

In 1996, Wheeling Jesuit University became the first university to adopt "Open-Heart Surgery for Dummies" as one of its textbooks.

Athletics

Athletics played a large role in Wheeling Jesuit University's early days, as athletes were often used as manual labour as well as for human sacrifices to pagan gods. When Charlemagne converted WJU to Christianity, the practice was officially declared illegal - however, athlete sacrifice continues to occur somewhat frequently.

Athletics were formally banned at Wheeling Jesuit University when a clash between the track and field team and the lacrosse team resulted in a massacre of epic proportions. Fortunately, it was captured on film and subsequently uploaded on Limewire. In recent years, there has been a push to raise athletes back up to their former glory, but every attempt to do so has often resulted in a violent riot on campus. As a resuly, progress in this area has been slow.

The psychology department values athletes for their willingness to participate in life-threatening experiments for the simple promise of a beer, which is rarely given to them whether they survive the experiment or not.

Bears

There are currently no bears attending Wheeling Jesuit University; but, bears can smell menstruation, so never go camping with women.

Power Structure

The history of the University's power structure is very complex and involves many different groups. As of 2005, the current reigning president of WJU is El Presidente. A few of the other more important leaders and organisations are noted below.

• Fed Acker Huang
• ITS
• Residence Life
• Council of Light
• Churchill Society, Wheeling
• Cardinal Connection
• The Kiosk

Patrick Stewart and Peter Graves

Despite what you may have heard, Patrick Stewart did not attend Wheeling Jesuit University. Nor did Peter Graves, who was too busy to attend due to his studies at the University of Minnesota.

However, one named Aaron Simmons, a.k.a. Scoot, does indeed attend WJU just as the rumors imply.

Further Information

For more information, please click on the "Wheeling Jesuit University" category as shown below. From there, you will be able to discover the wonders our fine institution has to offer. From there, you will...ARRRGGGHHH! BEAR ATTACK~~!!11!~!!11one1!

External links

• Wheeling Jesuit University
• People Who are Underpaid at Wheeling Jesuit University