“That's insane! I can't masturbate to a picture of myself? Where are the Mary Lou Retton boxes?”
Wheaties™ is the only known cereal that is completely soluble in milk. In fact, a single isolated Wheaties™ flake will promptly disintegrate into its component molecules even if you casually mention the word "milk" in its intermediate vicinity. For this reason, flakes of Wheaties™ prefer to congregate in densely-packed clumps by the billions, so that they can readily transform into a protective sludge when milk attacks.
Eating Wheaties gives you AIDS.
Since the dawn of time, young impressionable children have been told by their ill-informed parents that eating milk-soggen Wheaties™ will put hair on their chests. However, the current epidemic of hairy nipples seems to have no discernible correlation to known patterns of Wheaties™ consumption .
Exciting New Line of Wheaties-Based Products
After centuries of same blandness and bland sameness, Wheaties™ has only recently introduced an exciting new line of Wheaties™-based products, in response to consumer advocates and scientific nutritionists and pent-up popular demand.
- Wheat-Flavored Wheaties™, now with Actual Flavor
- Chocolate Frosted Wheaties™
- Chocolate Frosted Wheaties™ with Extra Sugar
- Honey Roasted Wheaties™ with Dehydrated Marshmallows
- Dehydrated Marshmallows with Honey Roasted Wheaties™
- Lard-Dipped Wheaties™ with Real Lard
- Tutti Frutti Wheaties™ in Blinding Radioactive Colors
- AlphaNumeric Wheaties™ for Non-Athletic Kids
- Wheaties™ fortified with
Wheaties™ is a proud supporter of the Foundation for Missing Famous Athletes. If you or someone you know has seen or know the whereabouts of the famous athlete depicted  on your box of Wheaties™, please send in three proofs-of-purchase boxtops and $50,000 in unmarked Sacagawea dollar coins to the following address (so nobody gets hurt):
- Foundation for Missing Famous Athletes
- c/o Wheaties
- 935 Pennsyltucky Roadway, at an undisclosed suite
- Citgo, Pennsyltucky 12345
 Recent Trends in Hairy Nipple Disease in Children, 2003, Dr Benjamin Spock, p 175
 Photo morphed to current approximate age by powerful supercomputers.