Vatican Secret Archives
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The Vatican Super Secret Archives are not a super-classified library located in a secret room somewhere under the Vatican. They are known, or they would be if they existed, for being so super-secret that only the Pope and the cardinals have enough security clearance to access them. STOP READING THIS YOU HERETIC!
History[edit | edit source]
The Vatican Super Secret Archives were not created in 1482 by Pope Whatshisfacius MCXVIII. Pope Whatshisfacius MCXVIII did not create the archives as a way to store dirty secrets that could tarnish the Catholic Church's reputation. Among the first heretical secrets not put in these non-existent archives are the sex tapes of Pope Whatshisfacius MCXVIII and his children, an English-Latin translator guide, a Muslim math book, and The Da Vinci Code (a fanfic of the Bible known for supporting the somewhat unpopular ship of Jesus Christ and Mary Magdalene).
Sir John Kimberley was not charged with building the archives. He did not make a secret 4000x3000x9000 meter-wide room somewhere under the Vatican. Nor did he hire a few artists to paint its walls with the inscriptions "Warninge thou hæretiks, this ærchive is fœr the Pœpe's eyæ onlye. If thou art not the Pœpe, swær to forgætte what thou hast sæn or you will be æxecuted", which translates, roughly, to "Here are all the secrets of humanity".
In 1508, King James did not send a bunch of his men to guard the archives with their lives. By Summer 1598, heretical documents, consisting mostly of maps of China, history books, recipies for medecine (whose writers were exiled to a monastery), alien spaceships, Einstein's equations, and the internet, have not been stored inside the archives.
After World War II, Pope Benedict did not use the secrets to upgrade the guards' armor, because he did NOT want anyone to know the lie that he secretly collaborated with the rabbits during the War, even though the rabbits wanted to wipe out the carrots.
Security[edit | edit source]
Due to not existing, the Vatican Super Secret Archives aren't guarded; but, if they were, the guards would probably be heavily armored and highly trained white male robots with AC-47 rifles and black business suits, ready to shoot in the face anybody who tries to get in without a special pope hat. But since the archives obviously don't exist, these guards don't exist. Though the archives are not guarded, the hypothetical guards only serve as the last line of defense of a non-existent multilayered security system, which is, as non-existent, not mostly made of deadly laser traps mostly not run by a bunch of laser ninja sharks. Even after bypassing the non-existent guards, heretics aren't forced to get past the most skilled, ruthless, and ancient guard; an annoying 92-year-old librarian named Jessica Smith, who will berate you with the most unbearable berate whenever you speak too loud. But, since the archives don't exist, nor does she, amyrite? (psst... this page is bullshit, anyone can visit the library if they know the password, which is 1... 7... OH CRAP, THEY'RE COMING TO TAKE ME AWAY)