User talk:Hazel9

Piano

The piano is the most majestic musical instrument ever to grace the face of the Earth. It's awesomness has been compared to Unicorns, Chocolate Milk, and even Jesus himself. It is the easiest instrument to learn, yet the hardest to perfect. Only the most talented of musicians can play this wonderous invention without sounding like a dying antelope.

Male Pianists

Men who play this righteous instrument are often hot-headed, stubborn, and are convinced that the sun shines out their asses. However, they always manage to give a brilliant performance. They often prefer jazz because they dislike the rules of classical music. They're not the most attractive instrumentalists, but they're the best when performing in the sack. Often, they will have seductive stubble (they practice so much they forget to shave!) They have fast fingers, and therefore are highly sought after for foreplay.

Female Pianists

The women of the piano are the most alluring women ever to play a C scale. They are very level headed and are good listeners. They often have a unique dress style. They are never attracted to Male Pianists. Ever. Often, Female Pianists can be found flirting with the men of the Brass Section. They love a good Nocturne and will possibly want one to be playing in the background during sex. Often, they have very small hands and can barely play an Octave - yet they still always manage to show up Male Pianists. They prefer classical music because they like how intricate it is - they feel superior to all. And rightfully so.

Ten Commandments of Piano Playing

1. Always spend at least five minutes fidgeting with the bench before a performance. It makes you look intelligent.

2. Mozart is your God. Worship him always. (Chopin is Jesus, also acceptable).

3. When asked if you play the organ, crying and saying "Why God, WHY!?" is always your reponse.

4. Learn a million songs with the same chords - it makes you look diverse.

5. You'll only ever actually know 5 Sonatas/Sonatinas at any point in your life.

6. Being backup to a vocalist is always blasphemy. You should always be the focus of the performance.

7. Casually throw in jazz riffs to throw off other instruments.

8. Constantly complain about how out of tune the piano is. You can't work on a tainted instrument.

9. Be overly critical of other pianists. Pedaling is just as important as the notes themselves!

10. All instruments are beneath you. They can`t tune without you. They are dependent on you. YOU ARE THE CENTRE OF THE UNIVERSE.