For far too long time travel has been a hobby reserved exclusively for the insanely rich, extremely over-privileged, certain members of secret scientific societies, and slick faggots like Jeff Goldblum. Now, thanks to this handy guide, complete assholes like you — yes, you — can enjoy all the fun and excitement of time travel, hopefully without damaging the space-time continuum and unmaking universal existence as we know it.
Are you ready? You bet your sweet ass you are!
Selecting the Right Time Machine
Time travel is something not to be taken lightly, and neither is choosing the method by which you travel. How you arrive back in the stone age will affect how the primitives feel about you. And when you travel to Palestine in the hostile 1950s, having the correct time machine will affect whether or not they want to blow you, and your high-tech device, to pieces.
The cheapest time machine
available. Have you ever heard that you get what you pay for?
And if you think size doesn't matter, you're wrong, because it is believed that the lighter a time machine is, the faster it can travel time. Yet another reason for you to get your fat ass into the gym. Maybe enroll in some Pilates classes and use it as opportunity to meet some chicks instead of sitting around jerking off to Call of Duty all the time.
Be sure to keep these recommendations in mind when searching for your new time machine, and don't rush yourself into a purchase!
- Look Classy -
Showing up in a dweeby DeLorean or a telephone booth is not necessarily a good way to help you score some Neanderthal pussy. Stay sleek, and don't hesitate to assert your masculinity. The only thing sexier than your throbbing manliness should be your time machine. We recommend anything by Aston Martin or Alfa Romeo but if you can't afford it, vehicles with wings, subsonic rockets or jet propulsion will do.
This piece of shit
doesn't work, I fucking tried it.
- Don't Cheap-Out, Asshole -
If you're considering buying the time machine equivalent to a Pinto, we certainly hope not, or you're going to die. This is time travel folks, not like riding the bus to the video game store from your parent's basement, and certainly not as glamorous as being beamed on the Starship Enterprise by some guy named Scotty. Be frugal, but don't be afraid to spend a little extra for something that really makes panties drop.
- Don't Get Scammed -
If you don't know very much about time machines, bring a friend who does. Two-bit time machine salesmen often scam assholes like you with fast talking, cheesy stage shows and other dirty marketing tactics; which could result in you purchasing a total lemon of a time machine. The last thing you need — when you could be out banging chicks from all different time periods — is an ice pack on your groin and a splitting headache because you got conned into buying a shitty ride that doesn't even travel time.
Choosing Your Destination
Once you've purchased your device of time travel, then what? Where should you travel? You could go see the dinosaurs in prehistoric Africa or visit the beautiful forests on the island of Lesbos before they became petrified, but only nerds travel back in time to see human progress or the sociological impact of past events, not complete assholes like you! Your only interests are exploring your own inner awesomeness and getting as much minge as possible! Travel forward in time and take a ride in a pimped-out hover car or steal an almanac to make yourself a fortune in the past. The world is basically your sleazy prostitute now, feel free to plunder and pillage at your discretion!
To help make the most of your upcoming exploits, remember the three H's:
Find places to go where you can get a really good laugh. If you travel back more than a few hundred years you should be aware of how much language changes. You can't just waltz around medieval France, chewing on bubble gum and calling everyone 'royal dudes,' so brush up on your early Welsh and Latin to be able to engage fully with locals.
Threatening the very existence of space and time can be an extremely therapeutic way to lift one's mood. Nothing will make you feel better about your poor genetics and reasoning skills than severely fucking-up the progress of history. Slaughter Gandhi as a child, sodomize Jesus, or give nuclear technology to the 1930s Japanese. Then sit back, and enjoy the results!
Finally, hellraising, which serves absolutely no point other than to let off some steam. Had a terrible day at work? Get some AK-47s and teach the Iroquois tribe a lesson! Your girlfriend cheated on you? Plant land mines outside of Susan B. Anthony's home! You don't have a girlfriend, asshole! The possibilities of death and destruction are endless with your new time machine, but even if you had a girlfriend, she would probably still cheat on you, so don't spend too much time being upset about it.
Have you ever heard of sarcasm
Things to Avoid Whilst Time Traveling
While traveling back in time to molest your great-grandmother as a child may sound like fun, your actions in the past can cause a noticeable and dangerous ripple in the fabric of the space-time continuum. This is known as the Butterfly Effect, an uncontrollable urge to watch darkly depressing movies that share a title with the affliction. Theoretically there are a number of catastrophic situations that you might encounter during your travels, as illustrated in the series of films. For your convenience, we have compiled a comprehensive summary for you.
Don't worry, you are still an asshole in the future
A Caution Against Visiting the 1980s:
To understand why not to travel to the 1980s, you should first should evaluate all the good that has come from the 1980s, asshole. The 1980s were filled with valuable contributions to humanity, society, industry and the universe. The danger of your dumb ass interfering with these contributions is too great a risk. Without the revolutionary '80s propaganda supplied by MTV, Ronald Reagan, and Megadeth, society becomes more terrible and more unbearable than you could ever imagine in your tiny pin-headed brain. You're gonna just have to trust us on this one.
Warning: Don't Date Your Own Mother!
Despite the alluring sense of familiarity and an unfathomable attraction that you can't quite put your finger on, we would advise against traveling time to sleep with any direct descendant or ascendant members of your immediate family, but a special note should be made emphasizing reasons against dating either of your biological parents specifically. While nobody knows what would happen for sure, it is reasonable to assume that you might never have been born, and thus could never travel back in time to begin with.
Even Worse: The Grandfather Paradox
Try not to go back in time just to look at the cover of this book
The grandfather paradox is a commonly referenced theory of time travel. This argument is based on the plausibility of this scenario: You travel to the past, but bump into your grandfather, preventing him from ever meeting your grandmother. It's a rainy day out, and his drenched white t-shirt accents the curvature of every moist muscle on his glistening, well-chiseled torso. He moves in for a soft, subtle kiss, to which you respond with your tongue. His soft lips making your soul tingle with pleasure, exciting you in ways you've never dreamed possible as his strong hands explore every inch of your delicate boy body.
Spontaneously, and with a deep fervor, you violently rip each others' tight, restricting clothing off and commence with hours of passionate love-making. This glorious sexual journey is so exhilarating that your grandfather has a heart attack and dies shortly after. Just like in the previous example of what not to do, when you dated your own mom, asshole — you were never born, and you couldn't travel back in time in the first place. Therein lies the paradox.
Avoiding this paradox is simple: Never have sex with your own grandfather. In fact, if you meet your own grandpa in the past, it's probably safer to shoot him in the face, just to be sure.
Don't Delay, Act Now!
I know, you really wanted to time travel, but you just couldn't stop playing Duke Nukem 3D on your PC for days on end. Now you missed your chance, and all the time machines are sold out.
Notes About Duke Nukem:
- There is really no need to pause your game of Duke Nukem if you already bought a fucking time machine, asshole! You can get around to raunchy grandpa incest whenever you want.
- Duke Nukem is actually a pretty terrible game. Quake (any version) was a much, much better game. Use your time machine to go back and buy a copy of Quake instead of Duke Nukem. You're welcome.
- Quake pretty much sucks compared to time travel, though. They have much better video games in the future.
- My bad, I was actually thinking of Wolfenstein 3D in bullet no. 2 above. So if you're troubled about whether or not to pause Duke Nukem for time travel, definitely take a break to go back and buy Wolfenstein, which also sucked. Fucking stone brick walls everywhere.
Make sure to keep a copy of this publication on you at all times for reference during your travels.
Bon Voyage, You Complete Asshole!
Well, now you're ready to venture off in time…
Not only is your new time machine bound to bring you countless adventures and zany mishaps, but you should be able to talk at least one girl into sleeping with you because you can time travel. Besides, you have plenty of other family members throughout history that you can bang without disastrous results. That is, of course if your spiritual soul is pure enough to survive the centrifugal force of dematerialization and the subsequent atom recombination processes involved. But, you'll never know unless you try…