User:Warmonger256/Dead body found in graveyard
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
18 February 2010
Shittown, CA
Police officers of Shittown were startled today when they arrived to the scene where a corpse of an elderly man was discovered buried underneath the ground inside a coffin beneath a tombstone in the local graveyard. The body was identified as Edward Miller, a 78-year old man. Spearheading the investigation was Police Officer Shithead McFuck, a master crime scene and forensics investigator of his locale for some time.
About two o'clock in the morning, a local was walking down a narrow street, narrowly minding his own business and avoiding speeding cars as he strolls around the streets dazed. He decided to take a shortcut through the local cemetery. As he was walking through the graveyard, he noticed a spade laid out in front of him. He took the spade and approaching the nearest tombstone, he began to dig. He landed on a white, pristine coffin which could have been laid out there recently. He opened the coffin and discovers a dead man inside. Startled, he immediately dialed 911 and called for help.
Investigators immediately rushed to the scene to investigate. Equipped with shotguns, lest a serial killer or zombies will rise from the graves, they found the man who dialed for help and talked to him. The conversation (according to one of the investigators), is as follows.
McFuck: Ok, dickshit. What's going on here?
Man: I-I found thees- dead man heer.
McFuck: Oh, you did? Well, holy dick! Let's see it.
(They approach the coffin)
Man: Heer eet bee, officer.
McFuck (startled): Holy son of a gay man, Officer! Send the forensics team in here! (To the man) Are you sure there weren't any zombies around when you came, didn't you?
Man: Zombeez? Ain't seeen nothin'.
McFuck: Ok. Better safe than sorry then. (Aims shotgun at man's face)
Man: Maan, the fuuk you doin'?
(Shotgun fire)
The experts at the nearby forensics laboratory, equipped with the best forensic technology in the country, revealed that Edward Miller (the body) died of lung cancer. However, Officer McFuck ruled the death as murder.
"This is definetely a murder case and it will not go under my nose on my watch." McFuck added. "Or even under my ass."
"The recent discovery and execution of the murder investigation was very well done," the police chief Richard Head said. "This is a good indication of our very powerful and smart police force."
"That's really unusual." one of the citizens of Shittown commented on the matter. "A dead body found buried in a graveyard is really both a disturbing and weird sight. Although I hope they put it back soon, for dead bodies above ground, well, you know, they stink."
The family of the dead body could not be reached for comment. However, they did recommend putting the body back to where it was found instead of being poked around by forensics scientists at the lab.