User:Ubigcow/Have a nice day

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

T-Minus One Hour

This obviously ignorant man just said "Have a nice day" without knowing what he was really saying.

The origins of the phrase “Have a nice day” have puzzled humanity for gigahours. That mystery has recently been unlocked by the discovery of “Have a nice day” in some ancient optical storage media (an ancient media predating even biological media). The media had been recovered for hundreds of kilohours, but it was only converted eighty-eight hours ago. The hardware that was used to read the optical storage media was discovered five point seven hectohours ago, and the language that the media was written in was traced within centihours of that. When the archaeologists finally got to the media with the phrase “Have a nice day” in it, they made a colossal discovery. This discovery overthrows many of humanity's most basic beliefs of humanity's origin. It is so controversial the archaeologists who discovered it kept it a secret from the general public until it had been kiloverified.

All of the prevalent theories about the origin of humanity are wrong. Gigahours ago, humanity used to live on a rocky planet much like the ones we now mine out of solar systems. This planet orbited its small, single star at 114 microorbits per hour. It revolved about its axis at about 42 millirotations per hour. Each of these rotations was called a “day.” A day contained twenty-four hours. (Some archaeologist believe that the time unit “hour” may have actually have been derived from the ancient unit “day,” although why twenty-four were used is unknown.) Humanity lived on this planet for about eighty megahours. Of that time, they were completely incapable of leaving the planet for about fifty-two, megahours. They had so little means of transportation, it would take them hours to circumnavigate their planet, a distance of only thirty-seven microlighthours. In fact, at one point they were so industrialized that they did not even have a reliable way to make light. Because of this, they had to rely on the light of their single star for all their activities. All of these facts made planetary humans have similar wake cycles to everyone they regularly had contact with. When planetary humans said, “Have a nice day,” they meant, “Have a nice wake.”

When humanity left its planet, there were fewer than eight terahumans. This finding coincides with the radical belief of the Evolutionist cults that humanity at one point consisted of a single pair of humans, and that these humans somehow propagated into all of humanity now. (An example of an Evolutionist cult is the Christian cult, which recently claimed that the discovery in ancient media of definite proof of the existence of macroinanimates somehow provided evidence for their religion.) The planet from which humanity originated did not only have humans on it, however. Simulators have proven that this planet had, at least for several hours before the departure of humanity, both macroinanimates and the Holy Grail of biological engineering: macroanimates. These macroanimates are actually the “animals” that commonly appear in some ancient mythologies, and the mythologists who studied them are now considered vitally important to the advancement of biology. These macroanimates grew to unfathomable proportions. Simulators have calculated that there is a forty-two percent chance that there were even, at one point, macroanimates over one picolighthour tall.

The discovery of humanity's planetary origins raises important questions. When humans left their home planet, did anyone stay behind? If they did, did they survive? Did we mine our home planet? If we did, were humans on it? The planetary humans could still inhabit their planet. Other groups could have left our home planet. Our ancestors may not have been the first migrants. New groups could be leaving even now. Are we not alone in the universe?