User:The UnIdiot/HowTo:Kill a spider
“My spider sense is tingling!”
“Spiders? Are those things still around!?”
Spiders. The black sheep of the animal world. Many people have a deadly fear of spiders, called homophobia. Spiders can be extremely dangerous, as they tend to appear out of nowhere, bite you, and leave. Seven days later, you're dead. Spiders have also been known to sexually molest people, adding just another crime to their long list of deeds. This IRC conversation below will show you one of the few methods to free the earth of these scumbags.
IRC Conversation[edit | edit source]
<sleepygamer> has a FUCKING HUGE phobia of spiders and has just seen a FUCKING HUGE jimmy spinner in the house. <sleepygamer> how do I get rid of scary flying spiders in the house without going ANYWHERE near them? <Spang> sleepygamer: shotgun <sleepygamer> Uhm... in Britain... we have very few guns lying around the house <Spang> Rolled up newspaper? <sleepygamer> Gahh... too close <UnIdiot> just pee on the damn spiders <UnIdiot> hope they dont jump on your wang though <UnIdiot> that'd suck <sleepygamer> IT WILL RAPE ME NOES! <sleepygamer> Will spray polish kill a spider? <UnIdiot> sleepy gamer just use pee i'm dead serious the acidity will kill them <sleepygamer> it's on the ceiling. <UnIdiot> sleepygamer: pee into a cup first <UnIdiot> splash them with it <sleepygamer> I suppose I could pee in a plant spray gun and spray THAT at it <sleepygamer> This one is f-ing huge. <UnIdiot> pee will kill it or your money back <sleepygamer> OMG THE PEE MADE HIM FLY AROUND LIKE CRAZY! <UnIdiot> haha <UnIdiot> you didn't get a direct hit then <sleepygamer> I used a spray gun... MORE IS NEEDED! <TheLedBalloon> use bug spray <UnIdiot> pees better..... <sleepygamer> OMG HE'S COMING THIS WAY! <sleepygamer> I sprayed polish on it too <UnIdiot> yellow pee works best <UnIdiot> more acidic <sleepygamer> OMG he feel to the floor! <sleepygamer> With uber concentrated pee BTW <sleepygamer> it was nearly orange <sleepygamer> XD <sleepygamer> That's what pepsi and lager do to ya <sleepygamer> AHA! My cat is here! <sleepygamer> If she finds the spider.. <sleepygamer> BAM... gone
Analysis[edit | edit source]
As you can see from the above conversation between myself (UnIdiot) and sleepygamer, pee is the weapon of choice for killing spiders. Most people would immediately think that a shotgun would be a good choice, but not everyone has those laying around. But shotguns invoke a whole wide range of problems, including damage to your house and friends. Plus some spiders can dodge slower moving shotgun shot. A rolled up newspaper or bug spray requires the user to be closer than comfort allows. Enter urine. Urine can be produced anywhere, has a pH of 4, making it a moderately strong acid, capable of killing spiders. The human body even gives men a built in aiming and firing device, the penis. Woman are sadly lacking the control men achieve with their urine. Other methods include using a cup of pee to splash the spider, or using a water sprayer (detailed above) as a projection device.