User:The Hunt/UnBooks: The O'Reilly Guide to Local Communism

Couldn't put it better myself.

Hiya Folks, Bill O'Reilly here. Yes, THE Bill O'Reilly! You may know me as the cool-headed, impartial host of The O'Reilly Factor, a television show that has won over that of millions of American residents worldwide, Right-wing, Left-wing or Mexican. But I like to know myself as a free American citizen, who lives in a country under a government that has given us so much freedom. And to exercise my freedom I like to help our fine president fight against the biggest threat to our society. What's that you say? Al Qaeda? Terrorism? Radical Islam? Oh gear...I'm sorry, but you must be very confused. While international terrorism is definately a problem, it's nowhere near as bad as evil in the East. That's right, the great red scourge...Communism. In this book I'll show you how you can stop undercover Commies in modern society through these simple steps. I can even help you find communists in your own neighbourhood.

Step 1: Identify The Enemy

It's unfortunate, but many people (especially those damned Democrats) are completely oblivious to the Communist threat. Most people think that communism finished in 1991, when Boris Yeltsin became President and the Berlin Wall fell. It may call itself a democracy and goes by the name of "Russian", but remember, Communists are famous liars. That Vladimir Putin is just as evil as that hair-lipped monstrosity Stalin who walked all those years ago (and not hair-lipped in a handsome, manly way like Tom Selleck). Waking people up to the problem should be the first thing on your agenda. I acheived by dropping leaflets over major cities, sending hate mail to Putin and using my show (of course, you can't use this option but the school radio or a podcast will do). To find a Communist in your local area just visit your local delicatessen, buy 12 Russian sausages (no more, no less) and find an infant. Then place the child on the pavement surrounded by the sausages. Any Commies in the vicinity won't be able to help themselves and will attempt to steal the baby for their supper.

Step 1: Think Like The Enemy

Communists use long, complicated words like Marxism, Trotskyism and proletariatism. Well there's only one word to describe democracy, and thats the USA....ism. They also have a strange language that has weird words like Давидович and Троцкий. Frankly, that's the kind of jargon they brainwashed all those Eastern European country like Bosnia, Romania and Vanuatu with. The main thing you must remember is that most socialist scum are jealous of the freedom us American capitalists have, and therefor hate our well-nourished guts. Through my many years as a cutting-edge journalist and the amount of to-the-point research I have done has meant I've dicovered many "Americans" who have the kind of attitude towards the USA that has betrayed them as closet Commies. In fact, this is why I very rarely have Democrat Congressmen on The Factor. Think about it, isn't infiltrating our airwaves exactly what capitalism-haters like Al Gore and Hilary Clinton have been trying to achieve ever since the first transistor arrived in Stalingrad? You make your on list, labelling could-be Communists in your neighbourhood.

Step 2:Dress Like The Enemy

This is bound to be a rather short step, because most Communists are so poor and debt-ridden due to their harsh, oppresive government they can only afford rags. Seriously, when I visited Moscow in the Autumn of '76 the entire place looked like the Brooklyn homeless shelter during peak hour. Most socialists also have a particular scent. This will assist you greatly in your quest for worldwide capitalism if you can get that Communist odour. There are five things that you need