User:TheLedBalloon/Your Mom
Your Mom, Born approx. 15 years before you were, is a well known parent and parental figure, celebrated for her dedication to keeping you out of R-rated movies, calling just to "check up on you", and whoring herself on the streets like a Taiwanese prostitute. Despite a "lack of credibility" most likely caused by said sluttery, your mom is always there to do your laundry, include love as an ingredient in her recipe, or crush you with her massive gravitational pull.
Early Life[edit | edit source]
Your mom was born about 15 years before you were, to an average family that lived in an average neighborhood in an average town or city that followed the laws of averages. Your mom, following this trend, was decidedly interesting and unique. Actually, no, not really, she was average. Her early childhood began, like most, with a period of preschool, followed by kindergarten, which was followed by 1st grade, which was followed by 2nd grade, which was followed by 3rd grade, which was followed by 4th grade, which was followed by 5th grade, which was followed by 5th grade again, your mom not being the brightest individual. This concluded your mom's brief stay in her elementary school, which was unexpectedly average.
Following elementary school was middle school, a time which for your mom begot sexual discovery, further loss of intelligence, and massive weight gain. It was just after her further loss of intelligence, but before the massive weight gain, when your mom discovered that she could get boys to like her, simply by having sex with them. Naturally, she utilized, and often abused this fact, since she really really liked having boys liking her. And then there was the sex, which she also liked. In fact, she really really really liked the sex, the additional really showing that she liked the boys liking her only two thirds as much as she liked the sex. She really liked that sex.
Little did your mom know, colossal amounts of promiscuous, unprotected sex does have consequences. Go figure. Yes, after her sixth, seventh, and eighth grade years in middle school, your mom had already acquired 17 different STDs, including three that were previously unknown to man. It was at the end of her eighth grade year that your mom noticed an alarming lack of menstruation in her usually regular cycles. Yes, it seemed that your mom had finally become your mom.
Years as Your mom.[edit | edit source]
Little did your mom know, this was one accidental pregnancy that could not be solved with a simple abortion. For whatever reason, your mom had developed an affinity for this baby-shaped lump of dead-weight that had accidentally wound up in her uterus. She naturally had to tell her parents about this, and hoped against hope that they would understand her need to be such a giant slut. The right moment to tell them finally arose, and seemed that your mom was blessed with a holy gift of articulation. She chose her words carefully, words like love, and fate. Her parents' reply echoes through the sands of time to this day: "You better find the horny sonuva bitch that knocked you up and marry him, girl, or we'll disown you!"
You came into this world to a depressingly husband-less and parent-less your mom, who now worked numerous shifts at Burger King to support the strain on her budget. The fast food was what she lived off at this point in her life; she received a handful of employee discounts which made BK food affordable. This, coupled with stress, was what contributed to her now-gargantuan girth. This girth soon made it impossible for your mom to leave the house, as attempting to fit through doors was an extremely difficult and embarrassing task for her, which is probably why it was so amusing for everyone else.
Luck struck your mom at this difficult time, however, as she found your dad when he came to the BK she worked at to order some fries. She immediately sued him for all he was worth in child support, and never had to worry about money again. Your mom has used all of this free time to watch massive amounts of mind-numbing day-time television, which significantly numbed her mind, as promised in its descriptive title. Since then, your mom has partaken in other hobbies, including biological experiments about attempting to drown marine fishes, and tests about causing trauma to winged animals, namely birds, by dropping them off of very high places. She currently lives happily in northern Virginia, and is the star of a popular reality show, called "Yo Momma".
"Your Mom Jokes"[edit | edit source]
In recent years, some have chosen to take advantage of your mom's passive demeanor, and administer a series of libelous, cruel jokes at her expense. The joke has many forms, from a spiteful retort to a mean-hearted insult told in passing. All of these forms, however, have a few common characteristics. For one thing, they all involve your fat, dumb, whore of a mother. Not only that, most jokes generally say something negative about her, usually targeting her weight, intelligence(generally a lack thereof), her lack of sexual appeal, and/or her predisposition to improper and lewd public behavior. Lastly, all "your mom jokes" cause an instant rush of endorphins, which usually give the teller of the joke an instantaneous "big man" feeling. This feeling is short lived, however, because whoever is told the joke usually feels a related but opposite effect, known as a "what the hell is this moron talking about?" reaction. This reaction typically spurs a reaction in the effected individual, causing them to say something along the lines of "What the hell are you talking about, moron?" to the joke-teller, ending their "big man" feeling.
Legacy[edit | edit source]
In the end, your mom has survived through much hardship, eaten many Twinkies, and enjoyed the company of many men. And, through it all, she managed to give birth to and raise you, and you didn't turn out that bad, right? She is a true modern-day Renaissance-Woman, in every significant interpretation of the hyphenated words. Always remember that, no matter what, you came from your mom, and without her you wouldn't exist. I know I'll always remember, because your mom serves as a constant reminder to me, every time I see her. You see, sometimes I ask about how you're doing when I visit her. Oh, you didn't know about that? Ask your mom, I'm sure I'm not the only one. That's just a guess, though. An educated guess. 'Cause, well, your mom is a dumb slut.