User:Sycamore/Presbyterianism

Moustache's are classed as an "abomination unto God" within Presbyterianism, and are seen as "one of those abhorrent pagan practices of them Papal fuckers".

“Glorious defeat, beautiful scenery, substance abuse and Presbyterianism”

~ Oscar Wilde on Scottish attempts at football

Presbyterianism is a Christian dogma of being miserable. it originates form Calvin's ideas of being miserable in Europe and it has spread across the globe. Its principle doctrines, unlike traditional Christian ones such as faith, hope and charity, revolve around dourness and surliness. Originating in Scotland, it brings together so much of the negative national traits in one handy set of delusions. Many question whether the Scots would be a much happier nation had they not created a belief system which reflects perfectly the fact that they annually only witness three hours twenty-seven minutes of sunshine, but most who question such things are looking for a good smack in the mouth.

History

Prespyterianism, is an offshoot of Calvinism and by rights Lutherism in the 17th centuary. Like the Protestant ethic, Presbyterianism formed mmuch the same. Mainly to escape Cathlic orhtooxy and money grubbing from the Vatican.

John Knox was a famous scholor who brought this brand of Protestanticm to Scotland. With it, he replaced Vatican money grubbing to more mney grubbing amoungs the populace. It also followed more stinct religious observaces in ters o day to day faith.

More

After travelling Europe in search in God he came a across a man who believed in something wonderful, and authoristarin version of Christainity which validated so much of the repression of Catholocism, whilst allowing for the growth in market economies and social change to be ratified within it. It was this man, Calvin Kline who brought this.....

Beliefs

To gain insight into how it feels to be a Presbyterian lying fully clothed and hungover in a dank, filthy canal on a chill winters morning, whilst having feral dogs urinate upon you is a good first step...

Less freaky pagan stuff than Catholicism, one of the main differences that sets aside Presbyterianism from other Christian sects is the vast quantity of alcohol downed by its adherents. Fun is not a word Presbyterianism endorses since the puritanical tenets that form its cold, dead heart mean that fun is classified alongside abhorrent practices such as genocide, rape and rickrolling.

Loathing is a term frequently seen within practitioners, both aimed at the self but more usually towards everyone else. It tends to endorse a mentality that loathes success and instead engenders a sense of dislike for those that are or have achieved success. A typical Presbyterian would rather lose an amateur boxing fight, just so they could say he/she had managed to stay in the ring a few rounds with Tyson. This fuels a national sense of superiority whilst engendering a culture of 'glorious defeat' and an neurotic aspie "Don't fucking touch me" attitude.

Core Beliefs

• Sex We'll Have None of that Here: A core Presbyterian belief surrounds the matter of sex after marriage, which is frowned upon, especially if the wife finds out. When sex within a marriage does occur it usually takes the form of up to four weeks of foreplay (mostly protracted pleading) followed by five vigorous minutes activity in the Missionary Position.
• Fun: If mental flagellation can be considered fun then Presbyterianism is the funniest religious tradition in the world. Otherwise, its not.
• Work Ethic: With few distractions such as the seeking of pleasure or occasionally smiling Presbyterianism allows adherents more time to concentrate on soul destroying aspects of modern life such as working, frequently teaching members of the church to give up the little free time which they have and could utilise spending quality time with friends and family, instead of working longer hours in what is often is seen as backbreaking labour. Prebyterians are advised from an early age to focus on a career that they can gain no enjoyment from.
• Other terrible things.

The Present Day

Presbyterianism is considered by many to achieve an inner calm contemporary with Buddhist practices. NO! NEVER!

“NO, NO, NO, NEVER!!!!”

~ Ian Paisley on visiting Disneyland

That Presbyterianism, despite its suicide-inducing and self destructive tenets, has somehow managed to survive into the modern era remains one of the great mysteries of our time. Despite mankinds emergence from the Dark Ages many still manage to reduce everything from seasonal weather changes through to the wonders of the universe to theological matters in a deus ex machina covering all aspects of modern life.

The Kirk as it is commonly known s the church where Presbyterians may be found sheltering themselves from the sunlight outside.

See also

• Christianity
• Protestantism
• Germany