User:Sog1970/God stuff

From initial page, button 1

Welcome to Healthy Humanity, accepting your desperate entrateies and un-crippling creation for 12,000 years. God/Jehovah/Allah/Jah values your prayers but please remember that He created you in His image. Any deviations from the care-ROUTINE spelled out in the manual void the warranty. Spontaneous illnesses reflect the immorality of your daily existence.

In order, to deal with your pathetic pleas as efficiently as possible please:

• Press 1 for male health-issues.

• Press 2 for our new Well-Woman clinic.

• Press 3 for Transgender issues.

• Press 4 for concerns about your pets/livestock.

From Health 1

All men share your worries. most just boast to raise their self-esteem.

You have selected male health-issues. Please listen to the Voice of Good in this recorded message.

"You appear to be worried about your penis. It is not too small. Trust me, I know everything. Gorillas weigh 700 lbs I gave them a tadger three inches long and quarter of an inch across. They seemed quite happy in the jungle I created for them until Rwandans discovered how tasty they are. You're five foot eleven inches. Even your five inch stubby makes King Kong look like the original pencil dick."

"Stop worrying about it. get out there and start using it. What do you need more for? Pole-vaulting?"

If this resolves your difficulty please hang-up. If not, please hold for an additional message.

" Okay, so you have no worries in the length or girth department. But she talks to her friends your girlfriend refers to you as Mr Droopy. I may be omnipotent but I can't be there for everyone every single moment of the day. I created those guys who invented viagra. That stuff really is a miracle - Mrs God and I are at it like loved-up bunnies and I'm older than time."

From Health 2

Be careful what you wish for, honey. My hubby's got a twisted sense of humour.

Mrs God's Well-Woman Clinic

"Hiya, Betty here. You're calling because your breasts are too large, too small or uneven. You know, honey, my hubby created those fun bags to feed kiddies with. Just because your husband never reads the instructions that's no reason too start saving up for cosmetic surgery. Have you never watched a boob-job on TV? Eww!"

If this resolves your difficulty please hang-up. If not, please hold for an additional message.

"Okay, so your hooters are fine but there's no rug-rat to deflate them for you. Honestly, girls, the world is full to bursting point and you to cram another poop-machine into it!"

"Between you and me, Big G only agreed to create Eve at all when I pointed out what Adam was doing to the little critters when His back was turned. No wonder He couldn't create Guinea Pigs fast enough to keep Eden full. If we'd known then that there would be billions of you guys, we'd have created a companion called Evan and slackened the regulations about shirt-lifting."

"Do Creation a favour, hon, tell your bf its his sperm-count that's the problem and then just lay back and enjoy him trying to make up for it."

Toodles,

Betty

From Health 3

You may need to make a little more effort to make money out of your perversion, however.

This message was recorded on God's behalf by Archbishop Ferocious Ncube, chair of the African Episcopalian Synod.

"God knows everything. You, who know nothing have taken it upon yourself to change gender like a frustrated guppy. You are an abomination. Possibly you will enjoy Satan impaling you on his trident for eternity - we shall certainly enjoy watching. You have made your bed, now lie on it. Better still, at least make someone else happy - move to Bangkok, rent a bed at Madam Roh's and kneel on it."

From Health 4

Just not gonna happen, okay.

Your hamster's just an animal for FUCK'S SAKE.

It has no soul.

Grow up.

(Deliverance would like to apologise for God's foul language. Opinions expressed do not necessarily reflect the views of Heaven)

From initial page, button 2 Deceased relatives

Due to earthquake in China, Genocide in Darfur and famine in San Diego, we are experiencing very high prayer-traffic at present. St. Peter values your entreaties for intercession, please hold....

Your relative is number 1,236,476 in the queue for judgment. We estimate that a decision on their fate will be made in approximately six weeks, when their deeds will be weighed and their immortal souls found wanting. Meanwhile, they will wait in purgatory and suffer the agony of limbo. If you would like to intercede on their behalf please join our "Frequent Supplicant" scheme. You can apply for membership on www.Peters-pennies.com and make payment via Paypal or by sending a cheque for $155.65 made out to God c/o His Holiness, Father Joseph Alois Ratzinger, Vatican City, Rome.

Before hanging up, St Peter would like to remind you to put in some work on your own account. Do a good deed for your neighbour. Phone your mother. Cancel your subscription to "Swedish Nuns in Leather".

From initial page button 3, Money

Chill bro. Money's not everything, you know.

Hi, Jesus here. Pop's having a bit of a lie down - He's not getting any younger. Anyway, money really isn't something He has much knowledge of. But, if you think I wasn't down on the temple floor scrabbling for denariis when I kicked over the money-changers' tables, then you'ere taking my authorised biography too seriously.

Okay, so here goes...

In the Old Testament it says:" Consider the lillies of the field, how they grow; they neither toil nor spin."

But then lillies don't have to pay a cable subscription - am I right? Now I've lived down there on Earth, its tough. You can't just hang around in fields photosynthesising. But obsessing about money won't help. That's why I said:

"Consider the birds of the air; they do not sow or reeap or store away in barns. And yet your heavenly father feeds them. Are you not more valuable than they?"

Actually, no. Dad didn't create birds with the equipment to flip burgers for a living or the intelligence to plan for their financial future. You, on the other hand, have opposible thumbs and 100 billion neurons in a [[brain the size of a cauliflower. Get a McJob and work for a living. You think manual work's below you? You think i never swept up the saw-dust beneath Joseph's work-table? And I don't care what Mom says - he was no more my Dad than she was a Virgin.

And if you can't work you can always eat your own weight in hamburger everyday until you qualify for disability benefits for your morbid obesity. Just don't pester Pop about Money again, right. Who do you think He is? Santa?

(((((((((If possible fade out and into the below))))))))))

Need money in a hurry?

Turned down for credit elsewhere?

Don't despair! Contact Lucy Fur's Infernal Finance on 0-800-666-666.

With one easy eternal payment you can live like a King.

Typical repayment: 1 immortal soul.

Terms and conditions apply

From initial page button 4, Salvation

You're name's not down; you're not coming in.

You appear to be inquiring about the health of your immortal soul. Heaven has six distinct levels of service, in order to ensure that you acess the correct area please chose the appropriate message from one of the following options

• Read message 1 if you are Catholic.

• Read message 2 if you are Episcopalian/Anglican.

• Read message 3 if you are Jewish.

• Read message 4 if you are Muslim.

• Read message 5 if you are Rastafarian.

• Read message 6 if you are a Jehovah's Witness.

Message 1

You are Catholic. You have no further need to worry about your soul. Just make sure you confess everything before croaking - God will forgive anything for some juicy gossip.

Also, best not to say anything about Father John. He was just a lonely old man and didn't mean any harm by it.

Message 2

Lets face it. You don't really believe in me, do you? You don't believe in Hell either. Guess who'll be having the last laugh.... in six months, three days and eight hours.

Message 3

Don't worry. You really are one of the chosen people. just kick back a little, give yourself a break, eat a plate of oysters wrapped in bacon and take off that ridiculous hat already.

Message 4

You have yet to do enough to qualify for entry to Paradise. The rules are clear - take the Haj, stone a recussant, behead some infidels - you may as well enjoy yourself while storing up riches in the Kingdom of Heaven.

In the interim, it's time to get off the booze - if you arrive with brewer's droop you'll disappoint the score of virgins with your name on them.

Message 5

How's it, my man? All that weed must have gone to your head, boy. You don't need worry about the after-life. Chill.

And seriously, guy. Stop telling everyone I was reincarnated as that scrawny little retard Haile Selassie. seriously, last time I can down there you nailed me to a tree, next time I'm coming back as the Hitler or something. Well, maybe Hitler's not such a good idea for a Jew but I'm not coming back as King of three hundred square meteres of rocky desert either.

Message 6

Thanks for all the hard work on my behalf. Since you appear to belive that there are only 144,000 places in Heaven, your wing has been size-restricted accordingly. Better get out there and do some converting or you're gonna burn, baby.

From initial page button 5, heart

You appear to be suffereing from a broken heart. In order to ensure that you access the correct advice please chose the appropriate message from one of the following options

• Read message 1 if you the object of your affection has run off with your brother/sister/best friend.

• Read message 2 if you the object of your affection is your brother or sister.

• Read message 3 if you the object of your affection has no idea you exist.

• Read message 4 if you the object of your affection is not human.

Why not date a fat ugly chick and make her jealous?

Message 1

God wants you to track down this cheat, tie him/her to a tree and fatally stone him/her - especially if it's a her. Really, He does. It's in the Bible, so it must be true.

Message 2

So you're in love with your sibbling. Could be worse. It's not your mother. It is? Tell me you're joking. Ugh, that's just disgusting - I may have to send another flood or something. Isn't that sort of thing illegal anymore? I'd suggest immediate castration followed by a quick appearence on Jerry Springer. It's no good looking to me for forgiveness, peole like you make me sick.

Message 3

Look, you've got to meet me halfway here - I can't do everything. well, obviously I can do everything but you have to put in some yards yourself. Maybe if you spent less time in church, got out a bit, smoked a bit of draw and let your hair down a little. Girls don't go for goody-two-shoes, you know.

Message 4

For my sake, mankind! I put you guys on Earth and gave you Dominion over the beasts of the field but honestly... I mean, what made you think that this sort of thing would be okay? Maybe you should see a psychiatrist, anyone who finds armadillos that attractive is in need of professional help.