User:Sneakscape/Chris Beales
Reverand Christopher Beales[edit | edit source]
Christopher Beales was born in New Jersey, in 1876. He was killed by a mad feminist with a shovel in 1903, though some say he came back as some sort of Jesus, or something.
Current Chris[edit | edit source]
Apparently he exists with us today in the form of some sort of ghastly ghostly looking child.
If you spot him, be sure to run in the other direction as fast as possible acknowledge his existance and inform the authorities there is a dead person on the streets.
He has been known to have a thing for pets, and is spooked by loud noises. Don't get too close, or he may attempt to mate with you. If he does this, you have three options:
- Scream loudly
- Scream even louder
- Just go along with it
Suspected whereabouts[edit | edit source]
Reports of Trolls under bridges have gone up in the past year, and we suspect this may be caused by Chris. If you happen to come across a Troll under a bridge, perform the sacred dance of Ku-i-kwa-kwa to earn it's trust and friendship, and the possible whereabouts of Chris.
Ku-i-kwa-kwa[edit | edit source]
The art of Ku-i-kwa-kwa is performed by tucking your left leg under your right elbow, then hopping on your right knee, whilst juggling burning knives and humming the Star Spangled Banner.
Full history[edit | edit source]
Christopher was born to his two lesbian parents, Maggie and Annabel Beales. They taught him the prospects of feminism and raised him to be a great leader among women. Unfortunately, Maggie and Annabel were killed in a freak accident involving lots of concrete. Chris was shocked, and wished to avenge their death by taking up the responsobility of leading the feminists in their plight to end the opression, or some other bullshit.
Chris and his allies marched all across America, promoting feminism and recruiting more and more to the cause. Eventually, with their ranks swelling, they invaded Washington D.C. in one of the bloodiest battles known to man (and woman). The battle ended with the death of 17 congressman and a young schoolgirl called Mary. Chris was devestated by the death-toll, and vowed that the feminist movement should, from now on, never resort to violence.
Of course, being feminists, they didn't like one word he said, and murdered him horribly. Eventually this whole chapter was written out of history, though we suspect The Bible has a referance to Chris. In the Bible, use of the word "bastard" is thought to be an insult aimed at him.