User:SirIsaac/Unbooks:Chicken Soup for the Damned Soul
So, you've done something horribly, horribly wrong, and it's generally agreed you've got nowhere to go but down.
So why the long face? Cheer up! You may spend eternity in eternal hellfire, but time is yours, and you should make the most of it! As a wise [and made up for the purposes of this book] philosopher once said, "The present is your present." Heal your sadness with everyone's favorite remedy: Chicken Soup! Featuring exclusive stories, seminars, and self-help advice from the underworld's most established and successful residents, no lores barred!
Chapter 1: Dealing With Damnation[edit | edit source]
I want to tell you a story. Once, there was this man. He was a horrible, awful man, and he did horrible, awful things. And then he died. So, he stood before St. Peter, awaiting his eternal judgment. And St. Peter looked down upon him, and said "You've been bad." And the man looked up and said, "Well, is there anything I can do to change that?" And St. Peter replied, "No. Because, quite frankly, you were born bad and would've been bad no matter what you did." And the man accepted that and off he went. Now, you may ask, "Why are you telling me this?"
Because this man has a lesson to teach us. What St. Peter said in the completely fictional story is true; some people are just born bad. And there's nothing they can do about it. While others may be going to heaven, it's assumed that, because you are reading this book, you are not.
Now that the story is out of the way, it's time to reassure you that hell isn't that bad.
Chapter 2: So There's a Fiery Spike with YOUR Name on it[edit | edit source]
Spending all eternity gazing out over the boiling lakes of damnation may not appeal to some people, but as the saying goes "if life gives you lemons, make lemonade and start a multimillion dollar international corporation based on the humble beginnings of selling it to your friends and neighbours." Likewise finding yourself impaled upon a fiery spike within the Pits of Hades does have its benefits. At least it isn't Iowa.
Through the addition of chicken soup into your regular daily diet as much needed zinc which providing a rich supply of protein. Add to this the excellent taste and your days looking across the majestic lakes of perpetual suffering can bring all the fun of a summer's picnic to your surjourn in Hell.