User:Shabidoo/Troodon
The troodon (Troodon troodon) is a small, bipedal flightless bird and/or reptile commonly kept as a companion animal or used to hunt truffles. They usually have long soft scaly tails, a silly tuft of feathers on it's head and cow killing claws at the end of their wings. The troodon is the closely-related to but not nearly as interesting or popular cousin of the velociraptor, which is it's sole predator besides the once-extinct Persian snow fox. Adult troodons usually weigh between approximately five and one hundred and fourty-five pounds (2-60kg) and are about three feet tall (1m) and seven feet (2m) long from snout to tail tip. They have exactly a dozen dozen needle-like teeth and four toes on each foot, one of which contains a toe nail which is often impossible to clip but must be done so by troodon owners as the nail is filled with sulfuric venom. Once the venom gets on the carpet or your skin, it's impossible to get it out.
Description[edit | edit source]
Troodons have a musky smell that is not completely revolting but can be overwealming. They look like partially plucked chickens whose faces have been horribly disfigured by flying shrapnel and they spend most of the day singing like a canary only they don't have the voice of a canary. It could be described as a soul-piercing squeal that chills you to the bone and makes you forget your own name.
Troodons have no control over their bowels or bladders nor do they have control over the saliva glands or prostates nor do they have control over their breathing or heart rate though they do have control over their kidney and spleen and can order it on command to filter its blood or not depending on its mood.
When kept as house pets troodons become unimaginably needy animals. If you leave the room for even a moment, they are likely to become bored, get into a frenzy of couch shredding and uncontrollable projectile bowel movements. Within one minute a troodon can become unbearably lonely if not suicidal. Left alone for more than a few minutes they will squeal in sheer agony, gradually raising their pitch until their hopeless, agonized moaning is so loud it can deafen children and small animals. All day long, every day of their life, they need constant affection and stimulation. At night time they may become severely bored and in a desperate, last-ditch attempt to get their owners attention they will jump up on the bed and kill them while they sleep.
Picky animals[edit | edit source]
Troodons are picky and won't eat any food you offer them until they accustom themselves to 21st century domestic cuisine. They will sniff at any food but only eat a little if they aren't impressed by its quality and use of fresh ingredients, however, they will eagerly eat chihuahua meat (fresh or roasted). They also have a taste for rare comic books and colourful money. The more colourful and the more digits on the bill, the more likely they are to accept them as dinner.
No matter how hard you try, it is impossible to teach troodons to play dead without them actually intentionally stopping all brain functions. This effectively means you can only get your troodon to play dead once and will have to buy a new one if having a troodon in your house is important to you. Asking troodons to play dead is only one of many ways that Troodons stop living. Not feeding them anything is known to kill them within weeks. Depriving them of water will usually kill them faster. Occasionally a troodon is known to spontaneously die regardless of how healthy, fed and loved it is. The modern troodon is overall an extremely disagreeable organism with no redeeming qualities except the cuteness that one may see in pathetic and lothsome animals. This is surely why they are the pet to have in this day and age and can be bought for five hundred dollars if you drive to a troodon farm and pick it up.
Troodon in the Wild[edit | edit source]
Troodon were originally native to the arctic, semi-artctic, temparate, grassland, tropical, semi-traopical, sub-tropical, tropical, arid and desert regions of earth, though mainly semi-arctic and not so much all the others. They became a distinct dinosaur species 75 million years ago. Gradually, as climate change occurred due to a lack of carbon dioxide in the atmosphere, the species went extinct. It wasn't until 1987 when they, along with numerous other species including the sky blue butterfly and angelfish, were cloned via fossils with decontructed genes. The deconstricted genes were given to post modern intelectuals who deconstructed them even further...almost to a point where the genetic DNA made absolutely no sense. Luckily science saved the day by putting a tiny bit of structure back into the genes and creating ten clones.
Troodons as younglings are sweet, sentive, playful and cute before the horrific metamorphasis when they become adults. After years of intense trial and error and deep thought, the dinosaurs used their tremendous intelectual capacity to flee their lab prison. They escape the laboratory out an open window and ran off to Canada where they could multiply in the open virgin forest.
They are now found only in North America's Great Lakes region (though only on the Canadian side). Troodon in the wild live in large family-oriented groups known as murders. Such murders usually contain an alpha male and an omega female and several newly-fledging young. They also cohabitate with dozens of squirrels and perhaps a wild cow or two. The groups can travel upwards of four-hundred miles per day in search of food, which is usually limited to the sweet nectar of the Ponghilli cactus, which blooms the year round except for the many months and years when it does not. However, the hardy troodons are not at all picky about food and as long as they can find copious quantities of the nectar of this one species of summer-blooming cactus that only blooms every fifteen years, they will not go hungry. In rare times where nectar isn't available, the troodon will also eat virtually anything else that is even remotely edible including baked Alaska, wood pulp, ground sirloin, sand, and poison ivy.
Troodon in Captivity[edit | edit source]
Originally domesticated in the early 1800's, domesticated Troodons are now one of the world's most-popular pets, second only to the dog, the cat, the hamster, the fish, the bird, the rat, the horse, the pig, the goat, the cheetah, the capybara, the Javan rhinoceros, the Bengal tiger, the Chilean Splatterwhort, many other animals and the leopard seal. Domesticated troodons are virtually identical to their wild brethren except for a few minor physiological differences including fewer tail vertebrae and increased speed-reading abilities. While it is almost unheard of for even the tamest of troodon to bite its owner less than a dozen times a day, most troodon bites are minor and only rarely require more than ten stitches. The large population of dangerous bacteria in a troodon's mouth would cause a virulent infection if left unattended, but infection can easily be avoided by not having as troodon as a pet.
Troodons at Home[edit | edit source]
Domestic troodons love to cuddle. Well, actually, they love the body heat we produce and are sometimes (but not usually) indifferent to you just enough not to go into a "warmth-induced-rapid-biting-frenzy-dance", a term used to describe an unusual behavioral pattern that cuddling sometimes evokes in the troodon. Troodons also love to give kisses. Well, no, that's also wrong. They enjoy the taste of human skin and have absolutely no interest in you other than your potential nutritional value. I would say that is the reason they sometimes kill small children or the elderly, but that would also be wrong. They just kill 'cuz they feel like it, whether or not they're hungry. Ways to lessen the chances of becoming a victim include letting your pet roam the town for several hours each day to burn off excess violence on others, permitting it to chew and destroy anything it desires inside your home, and either safely closing your troodon in a secure hutch (those made for top-security inmates work adequately enough) or keeping it outside at night away from where you sleep. Also, never adopt more than one troodon because they will surely communicate their intentions and coordinate a plan to kill you and it will be twice the chance you being killed if you slip up (or more likely be so intent on killing each other leave you alone as they constantly plan on increasingly complex ways to injure one another.)
Troodon are extremely intelligent (comparable to Albert Einstein or an average sheep) and excel at most tasks, including dog agility, interpretive dance, magic, algebraic equations, and figuring out how to slaughter it's owner in a way that expends the least amount of energy on it's part. They are also a cinch to teach tricks to (as they are very food-oriented so long as each trick, properly completed or otherwise, is rewarded with a delicious small, living animal like a piglet) and will learn their name (but will never respond to it) in a very short amount of time.
Domestically-raised troodons are available from a very unreasonable price from virtually every high-end pet store in the Americas and Europe and will soon be available in Australia.
Please note that while all domesticated troodons are certified disease-free by the FDA in the United States, animals in other countries, particularly Portugal, have been known to carry the illuminispli bacterium, which is known to cause Explode-when-exposed-to-sunlight-syndrome, or EWETSS (pronounced yewts).
Health Issues[edit | edit source]
Troodon can live for over eighty years due to an extremely efficient immune system that immunizes them to almost all diseases. Virtually all wild troodon carry, but are also immune to every communicable desease known to man including really old sounding ones like: rubella, scarlet fever, small pox, consumption and psittacosis. Toodons are not completely safe from infectiouse deseases. Those who contract elephantiasis are known to suffer for several weeks before they shed their limbs and eyes.
Domestic troodon in the United States are certified disease-free. You can lessen the potential dangers of it contracting more uncommon diseases by having your pet vaccinated against elephantitis. A troodon can also subsist off of virtually any single food item without any significant problems.
A troodon that eats only iceberg lettuce will live just about a week, one given only lard and wood shavings a month, and one fed only love in its purest form about two months, for example.
Conclusion[edit | edit source]
The troodon is a beautiful and majestic creature that must be respected. However, it is down-right delicious and also nutritious when eaten. So, if you get tired of your little pet, put it in a pillowcase (a big pillowcase) and run over it twelve times with your car. Then simply pop it into the oven, pillowcase and all, and enjoy.