User:Serotonin deficient/The Gospel according to, like, Pat Robertson

(I'm not used to writing in such a dialectical register. I usually write in a more erudite manner, and not really an expert in colloquialisms, informal expressions and slang, so this is the best I can do. The concept of this article, anyway, is to reduce the stolid formality of the King James Bible into the banality of common vulgar English. I'm sure this is apparent, Captain Obvious could have told you this. Anyway, I'm finish with this article, please freely change it if you please.)

In the, like, Beginning

In the, like, beginning, there was, like, the Word, and the Word was, like, with God, and the Word was God, totally. And this dude named Jesus was, like, with God from the beginning, and it was like, everything was totally made from him, and everything else was just like, nothing, wow!

The Birth of, like, the Savior

So there was a dude name Herod, and he was like this hella cruel king. He was afraid of like, people taking power away from him so he like, ordered every child in Israel to be kill. So this chick, like, name Mary who was like, pregnant with God's child just like, fled Israel with his hubby so God's only child could be born. They needed to stay at a hotel but the manager was all like, "Dude, we're full." But Mary was like, "Man, I'm gonna have a baby pretty soon, can't you, like, spare us a place to stay?" So then the manger was all, "Okay, you can use the stable."

And you know, Mary gave birth and named her son Jesus that night. Then three kings came to the stable, and they were all, "Hey, we came from hella far away to see the new born king. We, you know, saw his star in the East." The three kings came with some pimpin' good gifts, like gold, frankenscence and myhrr, which they gave to the baby Jesus. This was the story of the first Christmas.

The Temptations of, like, Christ

Jesus grew up to be a carpenter. One day while he was, like, sawing wood this bad-assed dude came up to him and he was all like Satan, and he said, "Dude, you know you can turn this rock into bread, then you never have to be, like, hungry again." The carpenter Jesus just totally freaked out and shrieked, "You can't just turn rocks into stones. Dude, man can't like, live on bread alone, he must like, live on every word of God." Satan was just totally angry and walked away. Then one day Satan took Jesus on top a mountain and as Jesus stood looking down on the world Satan was like, "Hey, if you, like, follow me you can, like, rule the world." And Jesus said, "Hella no! You can't test God like this." Satan was like, totally mad again, so he took Jesus on top of a temple and he was all, "If you throw yourself down God will like, catch you." "Dude!" an annoyed Jesus said, "Can't you like, leave God alone? Isn't it written in the Bible that you can't like, test God?" A furious Satan went back to hell once more.

Jesus', like, Sermons

Jesus gave many sermons, like one which he spoke on top of a hill. "You are like, the salt of the earth," Jesus began, then he was all like, "You know, the meek will inherit the earth. They are like, the light on top of a hill. If you put a lamp like, at the bottom of a bowl it will like, remain dark. But if a light is like, put on a top of a hill it's gonna like, light the entire world." Jesus also had some other sound advice. "I have heard people say like, an eye for an eye. But you gotta be more like, if a person slaps you on the cheek you must like, turn the other cheek so the other one will, you know, also be slapped." "If your left hand is sinning, you oughta like, cut it off, man. It's better to like, cut off your hand than to like, burn in hell."

The Miracles of, like, Jesus

So these people were planning for a like, ravin' feast but they were like, not having enough food. So Jesus came and he was all, "Bring me, like, all your food." But there was like, only a piece of bread and five fishes. Jesus then just like, multiplied the bread and and fish so there was plenty for everyone to eat.

One day Jesus was invited for a dinner party and the host totally ran out of wine, but Jesus was all, "Dude, don't you have wine in that pitcher over there?" The host of the party was thought Jesus was totally insane because the pitchers were only full of water, but when he like, poured the pitcher out they were like, filled with wine.

The Resurrection of, like, Christ

So three days after Jesus died on the cross, this chick named Mary Magdalene who had hung out with Jesus while he was alive went to visit Jesus's tomb. When he was there Jesus had like, gone, and she was all, "Whoa!" She picked up Jesus shroud and showed it to all of Jesus's homies and told them what happened and they were all like, "Whoa!" Later that day Jesus visited his old buddies in the 'hood and at first they did not recognize him, but once they broke the bread Jesus's pals were all like, "No way!" They were convinced only when Jesus like, showed his wound from the lance and all his friends were like, "Way cool!" But before they could show everyone else Jesus was still alive Jesus like, disappeared once more.