User:Sax/Verizon Wireless Guy
“You're useless, I'm bored - yes or no?”
“Do not do that again! You're a married man! I do not feel right about that!”
“I'm sorry dawg, it just doesn't work for me.”
The Verizon Wireless Guy was, and continues to be, a corporate mascot adopted by the Wireless division of Verizon. Popular for two weeks and one day in the early 21st century, the Verizon Wireless Guy donned a grey technician's uniform with an anglo face topped off with extremely nervous black-rimmed glasses.
The Verizon Wireless Guy has often carried what has been assumed to be a cellphone. Never a cellphone but, rather, a fashionably thin flip-open, purse-sized cosmetic compact, it could always be found glued to his ear. Unusual for a mascot, its ability to take only two steps at a time proved to be a disadvantage and led to the demise of Verizon Wireless Guy. Having adapted to the inconvenience of two steps at a time, the mascot, could be frequently spied listening and talking to the cosmetic case. Upon each second step it would stop and utter, "Can you hear me now? Good."
The Verizon Wireless Guy left this plane of consciousness suddenly and a slight bit later in the early 21st century. That day, rampant sunspots had rocked reception on all wireless networks and Verizon Wireless Guy was up to his ass in crocodiles and bumblebees. Out of the blue, Zippy, Sprint's corporate mascot (a marathon runner with a distinctly crazed demeanor) jumped out from behind a smiling elephant, and repeatedly pummeled Verizon Wireless Guy on the head with unmatched vigor. At a pace of two steps at a time, Verizon Wireless Guy never had a chance. Feeling the insistent pull of gravity, he pounded down onto the pavement below.
The homicide investigation revealed that the weapon was a gavel borrowed from the ManCube secretary who records meeting minutes for the Men of the Square Table. The forensic specialist on the case discovered that the last activity on the phone belonging to Verizon Wireless Guy was an unsent txt msg to Bobcat Goldthwaite saying, "There is a time for laughing and a time for not laughing; this is not one of them." The motive for the crime was never identified.