User:Rpm/Alberta Tar Sands
Alberta Tar Sands[edit | edit source]
“I'm against anything you want me to be, as long as it helps me sell more copies of Avatar.”
“Useless as tits on a bull.”
The Alberta Tar Sands, aka Athabasca Tar Sands, aka Oil Sands, aka Sandy Black Gold, aka Great Black North, aka Mordor, is a massive terraforming project being undertaken in Northern Alberta. The intended end user of the lands after the project completes is unclear; however, rising cancer rates indicate that native plant or animal life are not desired to inhabit to region afterward. The Emir of Alberta continues to stress that the oil sands are being built for peaceful, energy-producing purposes, however, the increasing toxicity has made it an ideal breeding ground for fish-men and Orcs.
Description[edit | edit source]
"Tar sands" are about as apt a name as Greenland is green. Many people mistakenly believe that producing oil is the goal of this unmitigated disaster - these people are what we like to call "wrong"[1]. The purpose of the oil sands is to 'pollute' the region to make it inhabitable by new and more interesting forms of life, and as a happy little bonus, oil is produced along the way.
The effluent from refineries and mining operations had long been thought an unintentional toxic by-product, but it has in truth been the introductory phase of a regional terraforming project. High heavy metal content in the rivers have caused a series of icky mutants, including the three-mouthed fish and the many-cancered human. These new life forms are meant to be the first in a wave of wildlife to inhabit the area once the project successfully concludes with the region being rendered virtually uninhabitable by conventional living things.
In recent years, the United States government learned that al-Berta can produce oil out of the tar sands. The al-Bertan government has repeatedly insisted that the tar sands are part of a peaceful energy-producing project, though the variety of ugly mutants being bred in al-Berta have led the US Department of Defence to conclude otherwise. A trumped-up shock and awe campaign to 'liberate' this Canadian province is expected any day now, intended to, with as many bombs as possible, bring peace, prosperity, democracy and, most importantly, Haliburton to the region.
Controversy[edit | edit source]
Green Peace[edit | edit source]
Activists from Green Peace are drawn to the oil sands like moths to a flame. A hippy magnet was installed to lure them into a deep pit, where they are summarily buried and forgotten by a blasé mainstream society.
James Cameron[edit | edit source]
Hollywoodian-Canadian director James Cameron got a lot of ideas for Avatar from the tar sands, and how does he return the favour? He makes ending the tar sands into a fashionable celebrity cause!
Ingrate.
As a purveyor of insipid, crass products, Cameron of all people should be more open-minded about the tar sands.
Conspiracy Theories[edit | edit source]
Aliens[edit | edit source]
Yep, Aliens.
That is to say, er, space aliens, not, you know, illegal ones from Mexico.[2] If the Athabasca watershed is becoming hostile to all Earth-based life, then - as some raving derelict on the street corner has postulated - the lands are being prepared as the habitat for humanity's new alien overlords.
The town of St. Paul, Alberta has hedged its bets by creating an alien landing platform. Unfortunately, alien space ships are large enough not only to squash the platform outright, but probably the whole town. (photo of landing pad here)
Bring About Global Warming[edit | edit source]
Proponents of this theory believe that al-Berta intends to exascerbate global warming. Conspiracy theorists have done a poor job to date of explaining why anyone would want to do this, but they don't have to! Here's a few reasons
Tourism[edit | edit source]
Some have suggested that the terraforming of the Athabasca region and subsequent Global Warming effects will effectively make that region uninhabitable, but the resulting world-wide floods would bring land-locked al-Berta to the ocean's edge (and then some). This would serve two wants for al-Bertans:
- Make the Pacific ocean come right up to al-Berta's western boundary, encouraging mountain and ocean tourism!
- Get rid of all of goddamn British Colbumia, because al-Bertans are so sick of their friends bailing on Edmonton & Calgary for Vancouver[3]
Fish-Men[edit | edit source]
Another possible reason to bring about Global Warming would be to increase the likelihood of a Kevin Costner's Waterworld from emerging, with fish-men mutants and all. If this is the case, the perfidy of the al-Berta government knows no bounds! God, that was an awful movie.
Hell on Earth[edit | edit source]
The terraform may create the ideal conditions for Hell on Earth. The reverse of hell freezing over would occur first in Fort McMordor, where migrant Newfies in abundance will separately exclaim, "Jesus Lord tunderin'!" and be moidered as Satan emerges. The devil is predicted to first come to Edmonton, the seat of al-Berta's political power but, finding it a den of communism, will go instead to Calgary, where the overgrown hick-town ethos will be far more hospitable to His Darkness.