User:Reverse Genocide Cockatrices/UnBooks:Jesus Christ and the Philosopher's Stone

Chapter 1: The boy who lived is God.

Balthazar strode down the privet desert upon his donkey, holding the reins to the beast in his swollen hands. His long, auburn beard fell to his lap and curled into a perm like an afro at a static electricity party. Balthazar sat ever patient upon his bat-fuck insane donkey, looking at the scenic route he was taking. God, it was a shithole. Privet desert - an average desert in your average Israel, where average people lived. He looked at the stars, and pulled the Put-Outer from his Armani jacket. He clicked, and a star went out.

He clicked again, and a star went out.

He did this until there were no stars in the save for an eight-pointed one, hovering above Number 9 Privet Desert, a hole in the ground where some guys lived. Not noticing the uncomfortable connections between his acts and Doctor Who, he looked around himself out of habit and noticed a small gray tabby cat sitting on a pile of bricks and mortar.

"I know that's you, Professor McGonagall ( how do i spel thart )" said Balthazar, stroking his bear and being aroused by how curly it was. "Your disguises never fool me,"

"How did you know that it was me?" said the pile of bricks and mortar, standing up and removing the cat from the top of itself. "This was the best pile of bricks and mortar at the store. I actually glued it all to myself, and now I can't get it off. I'm dying of suffocation because I needed a great disguise, and now I discover that it was all for nothing, because it's that easy to see through. So what? Now I'm going to die because my disguise is fucking awful?" Said the professor (whose real name was Murgatroyd, but was called McGonagall because he resembled a McGonagall in appearance), "What now? I just sit here and wait to die in this godawful disguise? Why don't you tell me what gave it away? Hmm?"

"You told me earlier you'd be dressed like a pile of bricks and mortar," Said Balthazar.

An awkward silence permeated the air like insanity permeating an internet.

"Oh. I see I made a right git of myself then," Murgatroyd said, pickng up the cat and rubbing it all over where he hope his face was. "So Balthazar... is it true what they say about Mary and Joseph? That the dark lord... killed them?"

"I'm afraid so McGonagall," Balthazar said. He leant against a nearby wall, pulled out his Nintendo DS and began to play Fire Emblem, as though he was waiting for something, because he was waiting for something. "Mary and Joseph were killed by the Dark Lord Satan,"

"And what of the Christ boy?" Murgatroyd asked in a immense voice. "What of their son?"

"Their son, Jesus Christ," Said Balthazar, preparing a ragequit, "Is still alive. The Dark Lord Satan attempted to kill him too but... something prevented him,"

"And what was that?"

"Fucked if I know. When's the other wise man meant to get here?" Balthazar asked, incredulously.

"You mean Kilik? He said he was taking the Spongebob," Murgatroyd replied, slowly dying in his prison.

"What the fuck is a -"

Suddenly, a large, yellow, absorbent, porous rectangle fell from the sky and landed on the ground with a thunderous squelch. The two Magi both stared at it for a small time. Then they looked at each other. Supressing their homosexual desires, they continued to the yellow thing and poked it, like little children playing with a corpse. Suddenly, bursting forth from the center of the object, came a thin, wiry man, who looked as though he was related to three skeletons, a broom, and Kate Moss. You could nearly call him the physical embodiment of anorexia, but that would imply that he had much of a body to begin with. He had hair spurting at random places on his body. Nobody knew why.

The man's name was Kilik.

"Hey guys, what's going on in here," asked the man. In his arms was a baby wrapped in the smoothest bacon known to man.

"What have you got there Kilik? Some kind of Loli battle machine?" asked Murgatroyd, his eyes frombling mumblickly.

"It's the newborn king! Son of Lily and James Christ!"

"You mean Mary and Joseph"

"Whatever, same thing," replied Kilik, removing himself from the sponge. "The point is, that this is that kid you guys were waiting for,"

Kilik presented the child to Murgatroyd, but upon realizing Murgatroyd lacked hands, he presented it to the other guy.

"Well,