User:Pledge Defiance
The exact origins of this Death Metal band are unknown. Some scientists postulate that the band have simply "always existed." Other scientists believe that the band are a product of Anti-Matter colliding with regular Matter. There are even a few researchers who hold the fervent belief that the band were born of an eternal being of purest hatred.
Pledge Defiance was formerly known as Creophagous. They decided to change the name due to the fact that many people started to refer to them (incorrectly) as Creo-fag-ous. Seeing that the band were overtly heterosexual, (as all Death Metal bands are meant to be) this was unacceptable to them. They realised that they would need to change their name to something far more manly...something about...Pledging Defiance. To no cause in particular - so the band changed their name to "Pledge Defiance."
The band consists of:
Brynn (Calumar) Huxtable - Guitars and Vokills
Grant (Frost Giant) Lazenby - Guitars
Chase (Mortiis) Drewett - Bass
Nic (Cyborg) Venter - Drums and Vokills.
Band Member Origins[edit | edit source]
Brynn Huxtable:
In 1923, two of the most volatile elements in the universe, namely "Brutalum" and "Awesomus-5," were combined to create a being of "Awesome Brutality." The experiment was a complete success - unfortunately, the facility where the experiment was performed was incinerated, along with all the personnel within it...an irradiated baby fetus was the only thing found in a pile of ashes. The boy was found by Iranian Freedom Fighters (on vacation in Florida) and dubbed "Brynn Huxtable," which means "Irradiated one who burns the shit out of my skin."
The boy matured into a 21 year old man within the space of 6 hours. He already had full cognitive functioning and an awareness of Brutality, Aggression, Awesomeness and other such incredible elements.
The 6 hour old 21 year old then killed his Iranian foster parents and subsequently ate them...being unsatisfied with such a meal, the young man saught out other victims. He then ate three quarters of the population in Miami...following this, the man fell asleep in an outhouse and only awoke 64 years later in 1987.
Upon awakening, Huxtable discovered Death Metal in the form of bands like Suffocation, Morbid Angel and other such heroes of the heavy. He then created his first band "Gutteral Anal Demons" with 4 other people (who do not exist). After successfully playing close on 2 thousand shows, Huxtable needed something more brutal and so murdered his fellow band members.
It was at this point that elder Norse-god Grant Lazenby met Huxtable. After saying "hello" to each other, Brynn decided to join Grant's band Pledge Defiance in 2008. The Painometer Technician, Andrew Keith Brecher, knighted him "Death Metal guy who is my friend," and so Brynn began gigging with the mighty band.
Today Brynn is still playing with Pledge Defiance and now also contributes vocals to the band (the reason for this being The Painometer Technician going to a different dimension to play gigs with the legends of Death Metal). He also enjoys poetry, corpse rape and getting drunk with the cockroaches (members of an "unmentioned" Deathcore band) at The Winston Pub.
Grant Lazenby:
Elder Norse gods are very big...and they've been around for a long, long time. Pretty much since time began and stuff. Grant Lazenby is one of those Immortal Norse gods who is able to wield incredible power.
Grant was one of the most powerful and brutal Norse gods in Valhalla. One day, a great feast was arranged to celebrate Yorgnam the Bombastic's 6 Billionth birthday (told you they were old). The food was prepared by the finest cooks in Valhalla and stored overnight. Unfortunately, that very same night, Grant had imbibed too much Asterisk Lager (real name of lager concealed for legal purposes)...he drunkenly wandered into the banquet hall and devoured all the food that was prepared for Yorgnam's birthday.
The next morning, Grant was found sleeping on a crushed dinner table. The other Norse gods were infuriated by this insult and beat the mighty Grant Lazenby the hell up. Despite his best efforts, Grant was outnumbered and forced to submit. He was tried and found guilty of being a brutal, insensitive slob by his fellow Norse gods...his punishment was to be sent to Earth and find his own way back into Valhalla...he would also lose all his powers and would need to find a sacred axe to return them to him.
Grant fell from the sky like a burning ball of destructive fecal matter and crash-landed in the Southern part of Africa...the crater he made is now known as "Die Groot Gat" by local buck-toothed Satanists (or Afrikaners). Grant was pretty pissed off about the whole thing and so made his way to the coast so that he could drink the Indian Ocean dry...from there he wanted to piss all over Madagascar, thus melting it into the Earth...this would cause the Earth's core to rupture and destroy the planet completely.
Before Grant could reach the coast to execute his plan, he found a music store where he saw some of the mightiest axes ever fashioned...he picked up a Dean Dimebag ML and felt his powers returning to him as he played the instrument. Grant decided to exact his revenge in a new way...
He formed a Death Metal band called "Creophagous" with some of the mightiest warriors in the land...a few years passed and many of these warriors fell for various reasons...it was only when he found the mightiest of the mighty that the band changed its name to "Pledge Defiance."
Today Grant is writing brutal riffs and releasing as much putrefied anal gas as possible into the air in order to gain revenge on his traitorous Norse counterparts. He can also be found watching Metal DVD's and working at the very same music shop from which he purchased his mighty, mighty axe!
Chase Drewett:
It is widely known that the Mexican Demon José Belius Mephistonor de Guatemala Pedro the Darkner (one of Satan's top agents) gave birth to a host of offspring by sleeping with far too many sexy, sexy women...but it was not until J.B.M.D.G.P.D found the most brutal demon woman in Hell that Chase (Mortiis) Drewett was born...
When he was born, Chase was found to be extremely evil...his mere presence blackened the world around him and would cause anybody standing nearby to summarily shit their pants. José Belius (etc.) realised Chase was just far too dangerous to keep in the Outer Worlds of old...he decided that the young boy would need to be sent to the unworthiest, most douchebag planet in existence. After spending several thousand years searching the cosmos for such a planet, he found the planet known as "Earth." No matter how hard he tried, José could not find a more unworthy, wretched and idiotic place to send Chase to...
Chase had only aged a few years despite the fact that he was thousands of years old and appeared to be around the age of 19. José told him that he would need to rid himself of his immense evil by playing in a Death Metal band on planet Earth. He gave Chase the most sacred of vile Basses to play and sent him to the doomed planet.
Upon his arrival in the country of South Africa, many people simply died. Although Chase had not meant to kill so many people, he wiped out about 2 million of them in one foul swoop...this later became a disease (now known as AIDS or Anti-Immortality from Demon Spawn). Chase wandered the provinces of South Africa, spreading pestilence and suffering for a few months before stumbling upon the city of Durban...
It was here that Chase found the band that was at the time known as Creophagous...their former bassist had exploded from being incapable of withstanding tremendous brutality. Chase said he would be able to take any brutality sent his way...the band considered Chase's offer, and after testing him, they realised his talent was immeasurable and that he could indeed withstand such raw aggression.
Today Chase is slowly expelling the evil that he was born with...in the meantime, Chase smokes abnormally high amounts of Cannabis with band associate Lord Abydos in order to keep his Evil in check. He also lays down the fattest and most deadly basslines ever heard by the human ear - only the truly brutal survive.
Nic Venter:
Nic Venter was born into a loving family and had a regular, happy childhood...
Of course, none of that is even vaguely true...
The Skylothian Empire had conquered vast expanses of the known Universe...but they were under threat from a rival faction, the Borgnarakadakicons. They needed to create a super weapon with intense drum playing ability and one that was virtually indestructible (Skylothian Culture is modelled around the Ali-nak-nor-bal-on and so their control interfaces for weapons look like what we as humans would call "Drums.")
Skylothian Scientist Archtereneus Zeta proposed that an automaton be created. A very tall automaton with a hairy face, eyeballs and male features. After successfully compressing the substance Hurtinon-7 into a liquid form and heating this liquid to two thousand Malinors, Zeta created a part-organic, part-machine based body and recombined its base-level Aggressitons with the heated liquid substance. A cataclysmic explosion resulted and Nic (codename "Insano") Venter was born.
This automaton was enraged and single-handedly destroyed both the Skylothian and Borgnarakadakicon Empires. Nic became bored very soon and had an intense desire to use his incredible drum-playing skills in an aggressive, fast-paced style of music. The only way he would be able to do this would be to join a Death Metal band on the planet where this style was created.
Nic traveled to Earth and landed his ship on the roof of The Winson Pub...he had homed in on a signal that he had picked up from space. Upon entering the building, Nic found Grant Lazenby, Chase Drewett and The Painometer Technician, as well as a small, black box.
Nic annihilated this black box that emitted drum noises and told the three men that he would now be providing percussion for them. Impressed by his disregard for their persons and his brutality, the band (at the time known as "Creophagous") accepted Nic into their ranks.
Today Nic can be found pounding out six thousand BPM drumlines and eviscerating the weak at every turn. He has to wear an Aggressiton inhibitor so that he does not exceed seven thousand BPM and destroy the planet completely. He enjoys downhill biking and helps the homeless out on weekends (when not gigging).
Band Associates[edit | edit source]
Lord Abydos:
The band are not 100% certain if Lord Abydos is a figment of their imagination or a real person. Whatever the case, this mysterious character only makes himself known to a select few, and only the most Brutal beings in the known Universe...
The legend of Lord Abydos dates back to the formation of the Universe itself. The Titans were busy deciding what the fuck to do when Gonmar (the small-dick) proposed they smoke some serious dope, "Greek Fuckface No. 17" (his own "special blend.") The other Titans were reluctant at first, but decided to when they realised that Pictionary was just too dull to play for all Eternity.
The Titans became so irrevocably fucked that they started creating all kinds of weird and fucked up stuff. They made some wonderful things like flavoured condoms, the electric guitar, big breasts, Dodge Vipers and Giant Gob-Stoppers. Unfortunately, they also made the mistake of creating stupid things like humans, the planet Earth, stinging insects, the word "Gelatinous," Depression and PMS (which is regarded as the single greatest fuck-up in Universal history).
It is not fully known where Lord Abydos stems from, but during this doped-up creation process, he was born. The Titans were so stoned that they did not notice this being...he made his way to Earth where he appeared in Serpent form to Eve (it is a fallacy that the Serpent was "Satan.") He thought he was playing a practical joke on Humanity, but later discovered that he had eternally damned the species to a life of suffering, with things like taxation, Jehovah's Witnesses, Oprah and "Scene Kids" (may God damn every one of you).
Abydos went into hiding underground for Millenia...there he perfected the art of creating the world's finest Weed Blends, the most notable of which are "Super Duper Mega Skunk '78" and "Fuckface fucky McFuck-my-face-5." After these few thousands of years were up, Abydos had run out of Pornography and milk and so had to make his way to the surface to buy groceries.
Abydos was intercepted by a Demon who offered him the respect of Death Metallers everywhere and a guitar talent that would rival the Immortal beings of old in exchange for a trip to the Zoo and Abydos' soul. The great anomaly accepted this offer and inherited incredible musical power and respect of the most brutal people the world over.
Abydos spends his time with the band at least twice a week and keeps them entertained with fine riffage, Weed, booze and a quirky sense of humour. All hail the great Lord Abydos!
It is said that when Lord Abydos enters a room all light is immediately eclipsed by an amorphus mass of darkness.
The band are noted for some of their pioneering ventures in Death Metal:
Jupiter[edit | edit source]
Pledge Defiance are the only band to have recorded an album on the surface of the planet Jupiter. When questioned as to the exact reasons why the band chose this particular planet, vocalist Brynn Peter Huxtable plainly stated that "the gravity is 6 times that of Earth. Therefore, all Death Metal recorded on Jupiter is 6 times heavier than the Death Metal recorded on Earth."
Upon landing on the massive planet, the band had trouble adjusting, except for Grant Lazenby, who only experienced a mild headache. After spending a period of time getting used to the tremendous gravity on "Big Jay," the band began recording their album "An Entire Universe in my Ass."
The recording process lasted several months, but the band got the job done and released their smash single "Holy Fuck, this planet hurts my Blood."
Unfortunately the final product was lost in the Time Paradox (of both space AND time). The band are currently looking for a way to retrieve their lost album. Until then, the band have to record on Earth due to a 7 Trillion Dollar debt that they are paying off in monthly installments until their album is found.
Metal Stomp[edit | edit source]
Guitarist Grant Lazenby is the undisputed father of the "Metal Stomp." While playing a gig on one of the largest stages in the known Universe, Grant saw a large arachnid and attempted to squash it with his mighty feet of destruction. Unfortunately, Grant was too slow and heavy too smash the spider and so made several attempts to squash the offending creature. The result was a lateral stomping motion that caused Earthquakes in various parts of Asia. Fans praised Lazenby for this incredible feat and so the "Metal Stomp" was born.
Time Travel[edit | edit source]
The band are the only Death Metal band to have time-traveled. The band were completely unaware of the consequences however...a Time Paradox (of both space AND time) resulted. Over 600 versions of each band member was created before one of the Nic Venters murdered himself and miraculously stopped the vicious cycle of "time-spawning." It was then decided that a Death-Match would be held in order to remove the time-clones...eventually only one version of each band member remained...except for Grant Lazenby, of which there were 12 versions. The extra 11 Grants can now be found managing various Fast-Food Outlets throughout the World.
Advanced Pyrotechnics[edit | edit source]
Pledge Defiance are the only band to use "Advanced Pyrotechnics." These Pyrotechnics involve dousing an entire audience in kerosene and subsequently lighting said kerosene. The result is a towering inferno of crazed, screaming, dying fans..."just as the Doctor ordered!" (Chase Drewett on the 2008 "Gig in Uranus.")
Common moves practiced in Advanced Pyrotechnics:
- Sitting in the garden chair of Satan - this particular move involves lighting a lawn chair or an outdoor recliner. The subject then sits / jumps onto said piece of furniture and catches alight. The result is quite spectacular and extremely painful.
- Oh God, my crotch is aflame! - this move is performed by drinking too much whiskey and pissing in one's pants. One then proceeds to light this wet mess and screams, "Oh God, my crotch is aflame!" This is one of the least attempted moves in Advanced Pyrotechnics, but it is common practice among many Joburg bands who have no genitalia whatsoever.
- Look at all the burning Hardcore Kids! - One of the most popular moves in Advanced Pyrotechnics, and one of the easiest and most gratifying to perform. One simply lights one HxC fan and then allows this fan to "slam dance" (or whatever the fuck they call it). The result is an entire pit of mentally-challenged Ninjas who perform Pyrotechnic "Kung-Fu." Hee ya motherfuckers!
- I love my family, but now they're on fire :( - We all love our families dearly, but sometimes they need to be burned alive. One merely douses the family Station Wagon or SUV in a flammable substance. Next time the family goes out, you light the car and burn yourself and your loved ones alive. This is common practice among certain families in the Free State (which is not at all Free and pretty fucked up actually)
- I cry tears of fire - The pussy man's way to redeem himself - by drinking kerosene and then forcing oneself to cry, one can light the tears and cry "tears of fire." It negates the Emo aspect of the move and makes it immediately sick and brutal.
- Explode-o-Fattie - A very dangerous AP move. Get an overweight person to ingest a bottle of kerosene (or to eat a brick of C4 Plastic Explosive). Then make them eat a lit match (or detonate the C4) - the end product will be an explosion of guts and flaming feces that will cover any innocent bystanders in burning filth. If the perpetrator survives, then NICE JOB!
- Flaming Zombie-type guys - This is accomplished by introducing a rare zombie disease to a person's blood stream - once they have transformed into a brainless idiot (also known as "Jocks" by a select few), allow them to infect other innocent people within a particular radius. Once a decent crowd has been zombified, Napalm all of them - your reward will be staggering, fiery lanterns who will burn and moan for a good few minutes. Exceedingly dangerous, but very, very rewarding!
Painometer[edit | edit source]
Pledge Defiance invented a measurement for pain. The commonly accepted "Brecher" is now the standard unit for measuring excessive levels of pain in a given area. Like a Geiger Counter, the "Painometer" (instrument used for measuring pain) emits a particular frequency in the presence of immense suffering. The sound is said to be like that of a "ferocious, unbearable screaming that would drive most men mad, or simply drive Chase to smoke more dope."
Community Service[edit | edit source]
Pledge Defiance are not only the most brutal band in the world, they are ironically also among the most caring. They have been involved in a number of Community-based projects, such as the bi-annual "Feed the Homeless to the Homeless Super-Event," where homeless people are forced to cannibalize one another in an arena-style death-match. 60% of the ticket sales go to the Fund to make Pledge Defiance more Famous, and the other 40% goes directly to Pledge Defiance themselves.
Grant Lazenby is one of the most active band members in terms of Community Service. In 2008, he created the "Grant Lazenby School for the Brutally Challenged." The School encourages pussies and weaklings to hate themselves, eat poorly, disregard the feelings and / or requests of fellow human beings, murder their fellow classmates and master the art of "Technical Death Shred." Grant also lectures a special class on "Fartology." In this class, students are coached on how to eat certain foods in order to create the deadliest cocktails of anal gas. Unfortunately, many students die during this class due to the high Methane levels, or simply because "they aren't brutal enough."
The band have also been involved in Community Outreach Projects such as the "Let's stop Fucking up the Oceans Fund," "Kill all the Rapist Dolphins Drive," and the ever popular "Pledge-Defiance-is-the-greatest-band-in-the-Universe-so-don't-even-try-to-oppose-them Telethon."
The Band Today[edit | edit source]
The band currently reside in the country of South Africa. Here, they can be found hanging various found objects from their band room roof, listening to comedy from close friend Lord Abydos and creating works of metallic wonder.
The band have just released their debut music video for their song "The Breeding" on both the book of Faces and the Space of My. Listening to this song is reported to induce immediate death...however, true metalheads will survive such an onslaught.