User:PhilipNutter/UNSC
|
|||
History[edit | edit source]
The U.N.S.C (United Nation's Speciality Chefs) is the official catering company of the UN. Although they simple provide the buffet, they act as though they are the UN to the world's culinary minority. It was first set up in 1945 in conjunction with it's sister organization. Although at first the food samples were just sausage rolls, chicken legs and the dessert of black forest gateau the UNSC now boasts some of the worlds top chefs.
UNSC Influence[edit | edit source]
The UNSC although not publically famous have changed the world completely. Although many decisions are made by the UN many are actually influenced through fortune cookie messages left at summit meetings between countries. Below are two messages and why they were encased in a fortune cookie;
"Invade Korea" - Western Chefs weren't scared of communism, just the fact Koreans eat dog.
"You didn't find WMDs" - The then head of the UNSC claimed that this cookie infiltrated the UNSC and was trained by Al Queada
Many of the key decisions made about famine in Africa are made not by the Secretary General Ban Ki-Moon but actually by the current UNSC's Secretary General Gordon Ramsay. Gordon was elected and replaced his predecessor Gary Rhodes in 2006. Gary Rhodes chose to step down after burning a quiche for Kofi Anan. He was promptly given a vote of no confidence and had to step down from office. Rhodes' career as Secretary General had been smeared in scandal from the very beginning when he used Ken Hom's (Chinese-American Representative) Hot Wok to make scrambeled eggs. This insulted many chefs who knew that the vigorous whisking required could scratch the non-stick coating. He was also responsible for allowing a terrorist fortune cookie to infiltrate the organization and convince the UN there were no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq.
Gordon "that's f*cking sh*t" Ramsay[edit | edit source]
Gordon Ramsay is by far one of the most ruthless leaders of the UNSC. Although he has not influenced any conflicts he has been mercilles when it comes to his own catering kind. He suspended any chef which used organic and modern means of cooking. Jamie Oliver was forced to flee the organization and threatened to espose the UNSC for what they were. He was soon bribed when the UNSC convinced Great Britain to give Jamie a cash grant about school dinners. After Jamie Oliver managed to squeeze money out of the UNSC Gordon Ramsay was humiliated. His popularity was down and he needed to act quickly before it was too late. He stayed up every night for a week to find inspiration. He settled on reading Adolf Hitler's "Mein Kampf" and Sky+ed the Nuremberg Rallies on the History Channel. This gave Ramsay the drive he needed. He decided that there wouldn't just be harsh punishments for the radical chefs, but now ethnic cleansing. He devised a plan to make the UNSC his own and claim dictatorship of it by eliminating the up and coming chefs and potential succeedors.
Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares[edit | edit source]
On the 1st April 2007 he declared, via a forwarded e-mail, that all chefs that dabble in organic foods and don't use conventional pots and pans will; "be rounded up and burnt at a stake for about 20-30 min until the skin turns golden brown the juices run clear". This was a shock to Mr Hom who dropped his Wok in disbelief. He immediately called for a vote of no confidence against Mr Ramsay. This movement was vetoed by Anthony Worrall Thompson in the shape of a griddle pan to Ken's face. Ken Hom was sentenced to 2 Years in the Cooler next to the shepards pies for treason against the now dictator of the UNSC. Many other uprisings took place, but thanks to Gordon's influence over failing restaurants which have now turned themselves around he has many a chef willing to fight for their saviour. It was on 5th April that Ramsay started to round up any suspected 'hippies'.
Torture Techniques[edit | edit source]
Herr Ramsay (as he now likes to be called) enjoyed watching the pain on liberal chef's faces when they were forced to witness ungodly things. Some of his favoured methods included:
- Forcing chefs to watch customers eat food purchased at McDonalds.
- Being force fed turkey dinosaurs and turkey twizzlers.
- Watch Genetic Modification take place.
- 24/7 CCTV link up with a Bernard Matthews turkey farm.
- Be placed in a cage with a calf.
The Massacre at River Cottage[edit | edit source]
Hugh Fearnly-Whittingstall soon retreated to his fortress at river cottage. Joined by many, now, fugitive chefs he prepared for battle. That night he rallied his men and briefed them on the biggest battle humanity will never know of. He enjoyed a light supper of Trout wiith canberry vinegar served in the skin of a 5 year old's knee and retired to his Goose Feather Bed.
The next morning Gordon Ramsay appeared opposite the cottage on the other side of the river. One fugitive chef in the cottage wrote
"The clanging of spatulas against pans was deafening. There would be a lull in sound and then the scratching would begin. Men would come to the river bank and scratch cutlery on plates. We now awaited death and looked forward to it. Our only hope now is if Jamie Oliver isn't filming a Sainsbury's advert and can bring his partizan troops."
The troops didn't arrive and on the third day of the siege Ramsay ordered his archers to fire ignited kebabs at the enemy.