User:PallandotheBlue/Pilateism
Pilotism is one of the Great Four Monotheistic Religions. Many people will disagree with this statement considering as Pilotism comes into direct contrast with the other three Great Monotheistic Religeons and will generally piss off the followers of these religeons to the point where they will kill their families. Please stop reading this article immediately if you are a Christian, Muslim, or Jew. A few other notes, the official language of Pilateism is Sexual innuendo and its official alphabet is Wingdings.
Background[edit | edit source]
Pilotism is based off the idea that Pontius Pilate (for the ignorant of you out there, Pontius Pilate is the Roman that had Jesus crucified) is the Messiah. Pontius came into being nine months after his mom was lying naked at a nude beach in France and God made a really long distance cum shot into her pussy, empregnating her. When he was three years, one month, and four days old, his Dad told him that he was going to have to kill a Son of Satan whose name began with a J and ended in esus. Many years later, this came true, when Pontius Pilate saved mankind from the Evil Preachings of Jesus Christ.
Christ vs. Pilate[edit | edit source]
The views of Jesus and Pontius Pilate differed in several places. Jesus preached peace and to love all people. Pontius realized that some people are total douchebags that deserve to die. Some people in this list include blacks, Indians, Jews, Muslims, and Christians. He wisely theorized that if you love everyone but someone hates your guts you wont want to kill him when he tries to kill you. So, in order to save lives, Pontius Pilate had Jesus crucified so he couldn't preach anymore.
Pilateism in the World[edit | edit source]
Pilateism is the cheif religeon of The Country of Alabama and also has a few followers in the State of Pennsylvannia. Despite these apparently low numbers, everyone out there is a Pilateist at heart, they just don't know it. One day though, the whole world will have been succesfully converted to Pilateism.
Beliefs of Pilateism[edit | edit source]
As stated above, Pontius Pilate is the Messiah. The thing is that he's still working on absolving us from sin. He has come very close on a few of the 14 occasions on which he has visited Earth. Of course his greatest success was when he crucified Jesus. Other notable appearances are as Nebuchadnezzar, the King of Babylon who almost wiped out the Jews, and Adolf Hitler, when he almost did it again. Once Pontius Pilate has come 23 times, he will have purified the world of sin, Jews, Christians, and Muslims, and everyone else will have converted to Pilateism. Pilateists also believe in Prophets. However, they are different prophets than the ones those other bull shit religions have. These Prophets include James Hetfield and Amy Lee. Angels also exist in Pilateism. However, they are not made out of light, they are made of pure Nitroglycerine. They spend all of their time swilling beer in bars, therefore their other name, drunks.
After Death[edit | edit source]
After you die, WHICH YOU WILL, you will wake up and find yourself in a room with a cage containing the Soul of Jesus, which you will then proceede to throw various objects (tomatos, rotton tomatos, whale blubber, etc.) at for eternity. This causes much pleasure and is even better than hanging with God forever. However, be warned, you will only get the opportunity to throw shit at the Soul of Jesus if you were a good Pilateist. If you wern't, then you have to scrape the shit off the asses of the people who were. So do what you're supposed to.
Good Pilateist Criterea[edit | edit source]
To be a good Pilateist you must hit a number of objectives
1.Hate People-It doesn't have to be everyone, just enough people to make you sufficently paranoid.
2.Get in a Fight-As fun as mocking the Soul of Jesus is, jumping in line ie. getting beat up and killed or comitting suicide, is not allowed. So you have to prove that you could beat the shit out of anyone who tried to cheat you of eternal joy, you will have proved yourself worthy.
3.Discriminate-Black people, Indians, Christians, Jews, and Muslims are lesser peoples. Hate them, this prepares you to get the most fun out of assaulting the Soul of Jesus. If you do all of these things, you're all set.
Pilateist Worship[edit | edit source]
This part is pretty straightforward. Just discriminate against people 5 times a day, once at sunup, once at breakfast, once at lunch, once at sundown, and once at dinner. If any of these events coencide, discriminate extra-hard at them.
The Future[edit | edit source]
In days to come, Pilateism will become the religion of the Multiverse and Christianity, Judaism, and Islam will be eliminated. This will all occour on Judgement Day, or the 23rd coming of Pontius Pilate. Also occouring on Judgement Day will be the weighing of Souls. All souls weighing over 3.1415926575897 pounds will be considered obese and eaten by God. If your soul is eaten, you will get an eternal hand job from a geodude. If you pass, then you can go back to throwing shit at the Soul of Jesus, who had a morbidly obese soul and will be getting torn forever.