User:NonchalantCaterpillar/Taking the Law into Your Own Hands (section)

Taking the Law into Your Own Hands is sometimes misconstrued by lawyers, who literally throw legislature at their enemies.

Taking the Law into Your Own Hands (Not to be confused with grasping and throwing legislature) is a much beloved and socially accepted traditional pastime in most countries, excluding the PRC and CCCP. It traditionally involves a firearm, but has expanded to include katanas, hedge trimmers, steamrollers and the occasional landmine. Taking the Law into Your Own Hands will often result in the death of yourself, your enemies and the nieghbours' dog.

Notable cases of people Taking the Law into Their Own Hands include Hitler and Article 38, pesky Bolshevik Molotov Cocktails and Al Gore's commissioning of a U.S Navy Battleship to bombard Coal Power Stations.

Origins

Taking the Law into Your Own Hands began with the case of Og vs Ig in 200,000 B.C. Og claimed that he had knocked a female on the head with a large stick before Ig to the tribal elder of the Smunklawhiri Tribe, and therefore had earned the right to mate with her. However Ig claimed that this was a obvious breach of the Universal Statute of Women's Rights, and that the female, Ag, wished to be with him rather than Og. After serious deliberation and postponement of a verdict for several months, the judges awarded Ig the female and also the counter claim for all court costs (ten Diprotodon eggs). Og was enraged and decided to Take the Law into His Own Hands. That night he entered Ig and Ag's tent during a mating session, and proceded to beat Ig to death with a club spiked with velociraptor teeth. He then mated with an impressed Ag, the first sucessful case of Taking the Law into Your Own Hands.

In Modern Usage

In modern times, Taking the Law into Your Own Hands has evolved into a norm that is accepted by the vast majority of society. Whether it's planting a bomb in a car parked in front of your driveway, or throwing a small grenade covered in peanut butter over the fence where that constantly barking dog lives; it is merely a part of modern life.

However, modern usage of Taking the Law into Your Own Hands also carries similar consequences to the ancient kind. Just as Og was chased down by Velociraptor Cavalry of the Smunklawhiri Tribe, his modern compatriots are often hunted down by paid mercenaries and the like. As dogs are the main cause and victim of Taking the Law into Your Own Hands, the emotional loss this causes often warrants a costly and time-comsuming hunt for the perpatrator by the affected. Max is often more dangerous dead than alive, even though he was a large Rottweiler.

Guide for Killing Canines

A excellent time to Take the Law into Your Own Hands is when the nieghbours' dog is young and naíve. When it foolishly sticks it head under your fence, it is a simply matter of physics.

We all know the Law does not take noise complaints seriously, unless they involve teenagers smoking pot next door. Killing your neigbours' dog is a good way to begin Taking the Law into Your Own Hands, and a good way to end a lifetime of Taking the Law into Your Own Hands. There are several foolproof methods involved that are bound to work in 98% of cases (unless you're dealing with Android Robo-Dogs, in which case nothing can help you short of an 50 Megaton Bomb).

This list deals with the most common and successful methods in dog related Taking the Law into Your Own Hands.

• 'Stomp-popping' This involves making a large enough hole in your fence so the dog can stick it's head out onto your property. Lure it with any assortment of dog lures (Bitch works best) and wait patiently for it to arrive. After a few seconds the neighbours' dog should arrive; quickly stomp on it's head to hold it in place, then shoot it with a firearm or sidearm. A silenced .22 pistol is recommended but weapons up to .50 caliber have been used in reality.

• 'Nade-baiting' A tried and true method that will really impress your friends. Any typical military grenade works well, and is guarannteed to eliminate all traces of neigbour dog over 5mm in diameter. Method is more difficult, you must 'fish' the dog out of it's kennel. This is usually achieved by lifting your dog over the fence, and forcing it to urinate. Now, using a fishing rod/pole, jiggle your grenade to incite a bite. Coating your grenade with dog crap will usually work well enough, although the ends may not justify the means. If you really want to show off, make your own grenades. A dog embedded with nails and screws can be quite impressive. However many cannot go past the blood splattered wall and/or backyard that results from conventional grenades.

• 'Femme-Fatale' This concept is simple yet brilliant. It is also quite dangerous, but sure to evoke jelousy from your peers. A female dog (Bitch) is often very conveniently found, at a local pound or merely wandering the streets. Simply strap a few kilograms of C4 to it's underbelly, and send it over the fence (note - this method only works for heterosexual male dogs and homosexual/transexual female dogs). When the inevitable activity occurs, you can wait for the timer to end or remote detonate. Many prefer to remote detonate, as it allows the perfect humiliation of your neighbour. He or she really should have taken those threats seriously, you think, as they walk out the back door and recieve a faceful of dog entrails.

Taking the Law into Your Own Hands - Repercussions

Exploding your neighbours' dog into next week may be rewarding and cause great satisfaction in the short term, but often leads to some serious consequences. An all too common after-effect is the 'Annoyed Neighbour' (often considered an understatement). An 'Annoyed Neighbour' will often try to extract revenge for your brilliant humiliation of them. They will often assail you with offensive comments on your way to work, or scuff your shoes in public. This totally unwarranted attack on youself should not be considered justified nor appropriate. Level 2 Taking the Law into Your Own Hands may be necessary in this case.

Taking the Law into Your Own Hands - Level 2

If you have reached this stage you are probably aware that you are a) Psychotic, b) Having trouble leaving your basement during the day, or c) Wondering why you never checked Uncle Andrew's well stocked gun cabinet earlier. Your neighbour by now has probably alerted the Law of your activities regarding their dog, and your refusal to acknowledge their paltry demands of compensation/apology or appeals to your conscience and morals (pffffft).

Now you are what the Law calls a fugitive and are wanted by the national animal welfare services and the Law. Animal welfare services are usually quite easy to dismiss with gunfire and proximity mines, yet the Law is in some cases less vulnerable. You may now find yourself in a Home Siege, which can be fun but will often result in your death. With this in mind it may be time to approach Level 3 Taking the Law into Your Own Hands.

Taking the Law into Your Own Hands - Level 3

The unfortunate, yet logical conclusion to Level 3 Taking the Law into Your Own Hands.

By now you should have stocked up a few tonnes of plastic explosive, or a larger, relative amount of conventional explosive. Hopefully your neighbour has, out of desire for the satisfaction of closely observing your impending death, remained in their house. If this is not the case, it may be wise to contact a Bounty Hunter or similar outfit and wire 50% of your remaining funds to them, with another 50% promised on completion of the hit in an auto-transfer managed by a third party.

Nevertheless, it is time to blow yourself, the S.W.A.T Team, and half of your street to Kingdom Come. By now you appreciate the dangers of Taking the Law into Your Own Hands, but also understand the benefits. It is recommended to accomplish your martyrdom as a 'TLYOH' Legend in the most gratifying way possible.