User:Nikau/UnNews:US surge
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3 January 2010
Kabul, Afghanistan - As thirty thousand more US troops wait to place foot on Afghan soil, a study ordered, waited for while whistling a tune and then ignored by Congress has been quietly gaining support across Washington. Penned by Commander Eric T. Olson, the document champions instead a reduction of troops in the embattled country to around three to six misfits with deep regrets, shadowy pasts but ultimately good hearts.
"Due to operations in Iraq, particularly those within Baghdad jails, there have never been more disgraced former servicemen who just want a second chance to make proud the son they see only on weekends. While the recent increase in drafting from urban areas has boosted the numbers of street-wise minorities within the force and allowed for the deployment of either mildly amusing zaniness or heart-warming bonding that prove so effective against insurgent forces. Other NATO governments would also be eager to provide a few soldiers from their elite stereotype perpetuation forces if it allows them to appease their populace with traditional European non-committal."
"In light of current Whitehouse directives, the battalion would need to be integrated with wise-cracking rookie Afghan units and an adorable animal sidekick from the anarchic Youtube province." explains Olson, "Projected casualties would be limited to anyone both prone to giving moral guidance and with a body that may be easily cradled by the most naive recruit as he swears vengeance. Or any ethnics."
Typical logistics of transporting supplies via vulnerable convoys would be substituted for distribution by the soldier’s potential love, as in 100% of cases surveyed the items issued in this manner have proved vital in winning a battle or saving the life of those carrying it. "Elderly men in caves have also been noted as good at providing this service, particularly when the item is attached to some moralistic message that could be recalled and monologued. We have already lined up several allied sheiks who would be willing to assist via funny hat wearing and koans about the poppy harvest," states a 2009 United States Department of Defense report, "Though this "men with beards" method may not be quite as effective in Afghanistan..."
“This must be undertaken before the Taliban persues a similar strategy, since such a rag-tag assortment of adventurers is far and away the biggest threat to any centralised military force,” continues Olson, citing how the French were driven from Indochina in 1954 by a few novice monks trained in kung fu and faster-than-sound delivery of haiku. “We really are lucky thus far there aren’t many awkward yet mildly attractive teenage hackers in tribal Pakistan, particularly ones that could learn what it is to truly be a man,” concludes the report.
Commander McCrystal has reiterated his belief that the war was still winnable by conventional means for as long as the Taliban remained ideologically opposed to the empowerment and education of females in the area of martial arts, "Tyranny without some form of affirmative action simply cannot succeed. The Afghan people deserve to see free and open tank-tops." Others fear the conflict could become another Vietnam war, where rugged ladies man Kennedy, bumbling amatuer spy Richard Nixon and droning robot buddy Henry Kissinger would fail to penetrate legions of North Vietnamese fighters and recover the amulet of respect on the world stage.
Previously the Joint Chiefs of Staff proposed in 2008 that the US force could, in theory, be further reduced to just two members of the public service if they maintain the same level of cultural polarity and clean buddy comedy, a model that has proved devastatingly effective in domestic counter terrorism operations.
Adm. Mullen recently pondered the possible success of such a tactical change “...so long as the government lets them do their own thing and ignores anything they report when on the ground. Essentially it can keep on doing what it has been doing for the last 8 years.” However, doubt has been cast over whether this would indeed prove effective, as Afghanistan has long lacked the prerequisite warehouses, yachts and warehouses inside yachts necessary for the final resolution of any conflict.
This has placed more pressure upon the training and pairing of local Afghan forces to see off these domestic terrorist threats, with particular focus given to the vital areas of police chase route planning for maximum destruction and rapid urban slang delivery. Thus, by 2012, roughly 70% of the Afghan police force should either be considered “unorthodox” or “too old for this shit” if current targets are achieved - a goal made more difficult by the fact that most Afghans don't come from Harlem.
A smiling Special Forces Lieutenant tasked with administering said training comments, “I recently called a recruit a loose cannon. No doubt very soon I will be adding that he gets results despite that, dammit.” Results that are seen across the country, with the Afghan people’s first abandoned warehouse opening today in Northern Kabul and many more expected to follow in no doubt all too short a time.
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Robert E. Hogan "Suitable goofball status for reduced deployment, uplifting last minute win expected by 2011" ABC America, 3/01/2010