User:Nikau/Robocop

COMMAND.COM
LOAD BIOS
BIOS SYSTEM CHECK
RAM CHECK
CONFIG.SYS
1987.EXE
ACTION.EXE
SCIENCE FICTION.EXE
RATED R.MP3
MEMORY.DAT
PROPER CRIMINAL LAW PROCEDURE.EXE
FILE NOT FOUND
RIGHT ARM.EXE
FILE NOT FOUND
SYSTEM STATUS
READY TO MAKE SMALL CHILDREN SOIL THEMSELVES WITH AWESOME

Small children and this guy.

Welcome to the force. The force can always use another good detective. At this point you may be overcome by a welling of pride from the base of your stomach.

However you would be wrong. Your stomach has been replaced with enough heavy metals to make Wolverine curl up in the fetal position sobbing. What you have known your whole life as organs are now a set of prostheses with greater firepower than a jewelry shop full of James Bond's watches.

For you are now a cyborg.

I'm pretty sure you said hold me.

Don't worry, this is a typical event to experience around 20 minutes into a gritty crime drama about a Detroit overcome by violent crime.

This walk-through, written by the executives at Omni Consumer Products, should guide you during the first few weeks of the Robocop program.

READ ME

You may have a few things on your mind right now. Exactly four things if our programing is correct. That is, three slight variations of robotic ass kicking in the name of the law, because, however much you supported the legalization of marijuana before, now you are essentially a weaponized volume of the Michigan penal code.

Our monitors tell us that you will stand as a shining light amid a broken society for your dedication to the law. Your massive, unwieldy gun and inability to communicate in anything other than phrases shouted in the gruff voice of a chain smoking, knife garggler has made you a rolemodel to all. Rolemodels are important. Particularly when you will be firing their relations into the next state for strict liability misdemeanors.

When the founding fathers drafted the Constitution, people were still shitting themselves that steam power would become sentient. We think it is safe to say that they probably intended the fifth amendment to apply solely to human law enforcement.

"Well shit," you say. Everything human about me is sitting in that freezer across the room. I shall get my shiny metal ass out there and blast the crime rate into the ground.

If you think that rapist would look better with a bullet in his groin, go ahead. You want to test the aeronautical ability of a disgruntled council worker, I'd buy that for a dollar. When someone calls you out over your chronic aversion to the Miranda Warning you can just sit there blooping like every other armour plated household appliance.

That is about the entirety of your future right there. Mine... I have an executive toilet to attend. You could come and make holes in a junior executive like every other one of our products, but I'm not entirely sure how you work where toilets are concerned.

Night.

Nighty night.

Good night sweet prince?

*bang*

Serve the public trust.

Protect the innocent.

Uphold the law.

CREDITS

Thank you to all those who have contributed to this guide for recent inductees to the Robocop program. I know most of our humble employees would say "Who cares if I worked on it or not?" but, attribution where attribution is due.

- - -

When someone fumbles the ball, there is always a man to pick it up. That man is Bob Morton, and the ball he picked up is the security of greater Detroit. Without Morton, Robocop would have remained as something you may find in the thoughts of an over stimulated child, but Bob was there to shake the hands, reject the arms and taste the baby food to see his dream completed. Following the tragic failure of the Enforcement Droid 209 Series demonstration, Bob was the one to give the company direction in the form of the initial Robocop prototype.

- - -

Clarence, right, looks more like Steve Jobs than a typical crime kingpin. Of course Steve Jobs was never associated with a company that bends the law to its own ends and mistreats its own workers...

None of this would be possible without the work of Clarence Boddicker and his team of 8 or so rogues. Certain divisions of Omni Consumer Products have seen fit to invest in the start up enterprise founded by Clarence, with high hopes for the only multicultural crime gang in the United States. I suppose you could say Clarence laid the groundwork for the Robocop initiative, if by "laid the groundwork" you mean "brutally murdered a rookie police officer." As the main antagonist of the Robocop program, Boddicker looks forward to being the beta tester of your weapons systems. He has grand plans to first be arrested by you, in a test of your suspect apprehension programming, and to then be impaled on your data spike in a move of very human vengeance on your part.

- - -

Did we say main antagonist? If Clarence provides the brawn to his side of a very devious equation, then Dick Jones is very definitely the brains. A vice president so immoral he makes Bernard Madoff look like Florence Fucking Nightingale holding a bundle of sickly kittens, willingly cutting the funding to the police force so that dozens of officers die in the line of duty is just the usual Wednesday afternoon for Dick. What, you want to arrest Mr Jones? Go ahead. Oh, do you feel a bit tired right now? You can thank Dick for your fourth directive, any attempt to arrest a senior employee of Omni Consumer Products results in immediate shutdown. Unsurprisingly, as someone so sociopathic Dick has quite a bit of programming know-how from spending too much time on certain chans. And, as head of development for the Enforcement Droid, Jones has 209 reasons not to like you.

- - -

Indeed, thanks must also go to said Enforcement Droid 209 series for their rigourous testing of the Robocop kevlar armour. Although a number of aforementioned difficulties prevented the 209 Series from seeing active service, you may encounter several units assisting around the offices of the more elderly executives and directing parking at the Omni Consumer Products headquarters. As part of Detroit Police force community outreach, ED 209 units currently spend most of their time campaigning for better disabled access.

- - -

As CEO of Omni Consumer Products, The Old Man hasn't heard of a Robocop program that is a contingency plan against glitches.

TROUBLESHOOTING

- - -

"Lewis" (right) doing something strange. Like breathing.

You may encounter certain technical difficulties during the early phases of robothood. As you are still a human at some base level, these difficulties will take the form of a member of the opposite sex, as per usual.

The issue will probably stop you in a hallway and ask you if you have a name. Like everything that asks for a username, it is easiest just to step around her right now.

She is probably named "Lewis" or one of the other surnames that has been on rotation in unorthodox precincts for the last 30 years. You must remember that you are now a fine example of military hardware, beat level police officers will be fascinated by you. She is just a curious detective, easily distracted by new recruits, names and peeing African American men.

Of course there will come a time when any assistance you have to provide your personal details to receive will get you out of a tight spot. The value of "Lewis" will be clear when the cavalry start blasting holes out of you, following a failed attempt to arrest Dick Jones on suspicion of involvement with known criminal Boddicker. That is, in the sense she totally saves your ass. She will do the same again in your final confrontation with Boddicker's gang.

It isn't our place to say, but she must really, really like your ass.

- - -

At some point your brain wave readings may go off the chart. I personally do not have charts, but I assume the feeling is unpleasant. Kind of like a brain freeze run through a microphone making that screeching sound.

Our team of labcoated engineers tell us that this indicates you have retained the ability to dream. As a robot the only things that can get you hard now are the numbers 0 and 1 so dreaming isn't too great in that respect. However, you are fortunate, as dreaming is the single link to the relationships that existed in your life prior to your computerization.

Most find it best to visit the abandoned house of their loved ones.

• 1. Search for a gang member robbing a convenience store. He will most likely answer to Emil or another race-neutral name.
  • 2. Apprehend the suspect. We find launching an explosion or another fiery application should help.
    • 3. Scan the rap sheet of the suspect for involvement recent murders, particularly those of law enforcement agents.
      • 4. Allow memories of lost relatives to fill your mind, and reach the realisation that they have attempted to move on following your death.
        • 5. Punch a real estate agent in the face. This contributes nothing, but why pass on the chance.

FAQ

So you are saying I was dead?

You are legally dead.

You're the go to guy around here when it comes to legality, so I assume you know how that works. Needless to say, however that does work, you are a monumentally complex being.

First, you represent somewhat of a Christ figure, what with your resurrection and all. Your sacrifice will eventually see the eradication of sin in Detroit, as you hurl out of a window anyone who doesn't come quietly enough for your liking.

The gang headed by Boddicker, which actually killed you in the first half hour of the film, sets in motion a chain of events to create a better you, one who proceeds to kill the very same Boddicker gang. Forgive them father for they know not what they do, indeed.

Second, you stand as a modern day Frankenstein's monster. Like Shelley's creature, you are created from the dead and fight to be respected as more than a product, but as a man. You will emerge victorious from a showdown with a purely digital Enforcement Droid 209, symbolizing the necessity of a natural component in technological and scientific process.

Finally, you weigh two fucking tons and are made of titanium. If this is the afterlife, suicide rates the world over will skyrocket into the sun.

How come the demographics of Detroit are more like a game of cops and robbers than a usual American city?

Your in-built aiming system should have alerted you to the weaknesses of all the residents, for all are flawed in some way. Some are deeply corrupt, others overcome by pride and a few just fucking hate the fake ads that break the continuity of the narrative.

That is because the district you currently patrol has been zoned as a dystopia.

This makes it prime real estate for the development of deep social fractures, dehumanization and omnipresent monopolistic corporations. As we at Omni Consumer Products basically own your memories, you can probably account for the final of those three, but this should assist with the analysis of your surroundings in the mean time.

The abandoned steel mill indicates the demise of traditional capitalism. Production no longer exists to fulfill the needs or wants of the customer. Probably the result of one too many people taking more than 12 items to the express checkout line.

Instead business has colonized the very pillar of society, the Detroit Police force. The social and human is under siege by the forces of technology and profit seeking, to the extent that signing an organ donors registry is all required to turn you into the most dangerous mechanical device since the motorcycle.

Here megalomaniac vice-president Dick Jones just looks like a character from the Muppets.

Let me get this correct. I am a sentient machine that can determine right from wrong and who travels around with otherwise useless humans. So, what do I transform into?

What the hell kind of a question is that?

Copyright Omni Consumer Products 1987.

Bitches, leave.