User:Nachlader/UnScripts:Eggheads

Eggheads is a BBC quiz show created by Twelve Inch Productions, first broadcast in 2003, and presented by Dermot Murnaghan. For the 2008 series Jeremy Vine was brought in to present on nights when the BBC remembered that Murnaghan defected for SKY. The show pits a team of 'Eggheads' (made up of seven highly regarded quiz and game show champions as well as basement dwellers) against a series of 'challengers' who in each episode attempt to beat the Eggheads through a series of rounds. The challengers are most likely a group who draw interests from a... well, an obsessive, lonely hobby. Such as the Matchstick Maniacs, the English Civil War Enacters, Chartered Accountants and so on and so such.

This instance of BBC2's Eggheads went out on the 11th February, 2010.

Introduction

Intro is deployed. Music is a stock-triumph tune. Titles consist of deep blue backdrops and show egg shaped pictures of the Eggheads team roll into a neat line, before they are picked up by a resolute Dermot Murnaghan doing a piece for Sky News about rising dairy product prices in urban areas, due to the taxes imposed by the government on farmers trying to sell their produce to supermarkets on the other side of the country. A tactic, Dermot explains, by the government to cut down on how many lorries are driving up and down the endless motorways, releasing tons of carbon dioxide in the process. The scene immediately switches back to the moody blue façade from before. Gruff voiceover man speaks.

Voiceover man: These five people are amongst the greatest quiz players in Britain. Together they make up the 'Eggheads', arguably the most formidable quiz team in the country.

Egg shaped pictures show members of the team either smiling trivially or with exquisitely dull face.

Voiceover man (as if tired of repeating pun for each show): The question is; can they be beaten?

Backdrop evaporates to a beaming Jeremy Vine.

Jeremy Vine (host): Welcome to Eggheads, the show where a team of five no-hopers, uh I mean challengers pit their wits against possibly greatest quiz team in Britain. You might recognise them, they've won some of Britain's toughest quiz shows, they are the Eggheads!

Camera shows Eggheads team respond to Jeremy's lavish praise with indifferent glances across the room, apart from the old woman, who smiles inanely at the host.

Seated from left to right are: Chris the dull bloke, Daphne the old woman, CJ the scary one, Kevin the insanely clever man and Judith the perpetual guesser.

Jeremy Vine: And taking on the quiz goliaths today are GWR Engineers, a team of middle-aged model railway enthusiasts. They are from Swindon and they take their name from their exciting hobby! Er... Let's meet them.

The camera changes to show the contestants on the opposing team. Then they have to introduce themselves, unfortunately. Each week they are always the most incredible bores. Apart from that one who did lion-taming. Anyway, let's meet them.

Tim (boring voice): Hi, I'm Tim. I'm 36 and I am a quantity surveyor in an air conditioning firm.

Bob (noticeably unexciting voice): Hi, I'm Bob. I'm 31 and I'm a consultant in a sellotape factory.

Dave (depressing guttural drawl of a voice): Hi, I'm Dave. I'm 34 and I'm a burglar.

Keith (utterly drab disposal of speech): Hi, I'm Keith. I'm 38 and I'm a bindery operator.

Douglas: Hello there! My name is Douglas, I'm 27 and I'm a doctor!

Jeremy Vine: Wow! A doctor! That's exciting. Isn't it, Eggheads?

Jeremy turns his head to the Eggheads for a response but they're too busy having caviar doled out amongst them by studio workers.

Douglas: Yes well, I needed to pay the bills somehow.

Jeremy Vine: *chuckles heartily* *sigh* So what can you guys tell me about your hobby then, is railway modelling fun in these particular times in Britain?

Tim: Well you know, it's nice to have something in the attic, a little layout where you can choose what goes on and what trains get to go in your tunnels and run through stations.

Keith: Yeah, something we can have power over in our lives.

Bob: And the modelling isn't bad either.

Keith: Oh yes. Last week I made a Schools Class No. 928 Stowe from scratch using only materials that cost under £10 overall and engineered it all myself. It ran perfectly well just a few minutes after I reconfigured the motor to work with 00 gauge.

Jeremy Vine: W-wow! That's certainly impressive!

Dave: And I nicked it the evening after he built it.

General impressed murmurs of approval amongst the challengers at this criminal utterance.

Jeremy Vine: Well that's enough discussion of adenoids. Anyway, there is £193,000 to play for, and if you fail to beat the Eggheads, then the money rolls over to the next show.

Round One - Music

Jeremy Vine (henceforth detailed as Jeremy): Okay! So the first topic is music. GWR Engineers! Who's going to play who?

The challengers whisper amongst themselves before reaching a verdict.

Douglas: I'll go for it, please Jeremy!

Jeremy: Very well, Douglas. And who will you face up against from our mighty Eggheads team?

Douglas: Ah oh... Um, I think I'll play against Chris.

Jeremy: Really? Chris the clever, but really dull one? Any reason why?

Douglas: Because the topic's music and it has contemporary music questions as well, and clever as he is, I imagine that Chris would be shi-

Jeremy: Great! Let's start the quiz then. Kindly go to the question rooms.

Quick as a flash, both competitors are in that screen thing behind their respective teams so there's no conferring or whatever.

Jeremy: Right so, music. Douglas? Any particular reason you were drawn to this subject?

Douglas: Ooh yeah, Jeremy. I was in a band in 1999 and we did covers from the 60s, early 70s and the late 80s onwards, as well as some more contemporary scenes.

Jeremy: Blimey! You should certainly know the answers then! Let's hope you get a modern music question.

Douglas: Hope so!

Jeremy: Do you want to first or second?

Douglas: First!

Jeremy: Very well. Here's your first question.

Douglas: Hit me!

Jeremy: Which of Shostakovich's symphonies redeemed him in the eyes of the Soviet regime in the aftermath of Pravda's attacks on him?

Douglas: oh um... shit.

Jeremy: Is it Symphony No. 5? Or Symphony No. 2? Or is it Symphony No. 9?

Douglas (aghast): Well er... classical music, right?

Jeremy: Right.

Douglas: Ah um... I have no idea.

Jeremy: No need to worry, you have plenty of time. Well not really.

Douglas: I'll try and make an educated guess then. Soshtakov... uh.

Jeremy: Honestly, you oaf. It's pronounced Shosh-sto-ko-vich.

Douglas: Er, alright. I don't think he would've been able to upset the Soviet regime, or something that you said, with only one symphony, so I'm eliminating the second answer... Ah who cares, is it Symphony No. 9?

Jeremy: You're going for Symphony No... 9?

His team-mates writhe as if they knew the correct answer or something.

Douglas: I've got a feeling.

Jeremy: You're wrong! It was Symphony No. 5. You knew that didn't you Eggheads?

Eggheads team offer no response. More studio workers surround them pouring them wine in glasses they have under their tables. Even Chris in the screen thingy has someone topping his glass up regularly.

Jeremy: Over to you then, Chris. You like a bit of music, don't you?

Chris: Oh, yes Jeremy. I like a bit of Wagner, some Baroque and Classical mainly. 19th century geniuses Holst and Mahler are my favourites. I'm not a fan of modern music though. I hate rap, which you know is missing a letter in front of it!

All the Eggheads and Jeremy chortle modestly

Jeremy: Oh ho ho ho ho ho ho, very witty.

Kevin: Ho ho ho, very droll.

Daphne: Very, very witty!

CJ: Frightfully witty!

Chris: Ho ho ho ho. Oh yes, I'm quite proud of that one myself.

Judith (in stitches): Because then it would be 'crap'! Delirious!

Jeremy: Yes. Anyway, let's hope you get a classical question then, eh?

Chris: Oh, yes.

Jeremy: Here we are then. Your first question; what year was Gustav Holst born?

Douglas: What?

Jeremy: Is it 1997? 1874? Or 2004?

Douglas: What!?

Chris: Ah, yes. Well I know Holst studied at the prestigious Royal College of Music, he wrote The Planets during the Great War which Britain won. And he was a music master at St Paul's Girls' School in 1905, a job he fulfilled to his retirement. He was a great composer and he wrote almost 200 works, including operas, ballets, choral hymns and songs in his sixty years of roaming the earth. Fettered by the war though, in 1918 he rid his name of the 'von' so his name, Gustav Holst, sounded significantly less German. Coincidently, the Royal Family did a similar thing at the ti-

Jeremy: Yeah, whatever. Do you know the answer?

Chris: Funnily enough, Jeremy, Holst's date of birth had always eluded me. I know he died in 1934, but what year he was born, I'm unsure. I'm afraid I'm going to have to guess this one, Jeremy. Is it 1874?

Jeremy: 1874... is the right answer! Jolly good work, Chris.

Chris: Thanks Jeremy.

Jeremy: So... one to the Eggheads. Douglas, do you think you'll be able to get back in it?

Douglas (dismayed): ... Yeah, sure.

Jeremy: Here we go then. Question number two. What did Ludwig van Beethoven classify his famous mini-composition Fuer Elise?

Douglas (if he didn't look thoroughly dismayed just then, he certainly is now): Brilliant.

Jeremy: Was it classified a concerto? A bagatelle? Or a sonata?

Douglas: Well, I still don't know anything about classical period music. I'm going to guess concerto. I know that song you mentioned has piano involved, so I'm linking it with the term "piano concerto".

Jeremy: I'm afraid you're wrong again.

Douglas: Jesus.

Jeremy: Fuer Elise was a bagatelle. There is more to music than whatever's on the top 40 you know, Douglas.

Douglas (now disgruntled): Right.

Jeremy: Nevermind, you could potentially stay in it for the sudden death (?) round if Chris gets two bad questions.

Jeremy: Back to you then, Chris. Which composer's 1934 "Rhapsody on a theme of Paganini" is often referred to as his "fifth piano concerto"? Is it Sergei Rachmaninov? Ringo Starr? Or Rick Wakeman?

Douglas: Oh for fuck's sake.

Chris: Hm, yes.

Jeremy: Paganini, of course, being a composer himself.

Chris: Was he?

Jeremy: Born 1782, died 1840. Violinist, violist and guitarist, as well as elementary composer. He was travelling virtuoso, . He plays his part in enlightenment and modern era influences for many composers such as Franz Liszt, Frederic Chopin, Philip Willby and coincidently, Sergei Rachmaninov. Bizarrely maybe, he decided to set up a casino in Paris but it failed and caused him financial ruin and died four years later. But you know, that's all the information they could fit on this card.

Douglas: Okay, this is twatting unfair.

Chris: Is it Sergei Rachmaninov?

Jeremy: Is the right answer! Congratulations Chris, you go through to the final round. Douglas, I'm afraid not. Please can you both return to your teams.

Round Two - Geography

Chris and Douglas have returned to their respective tables. Douglas now looks conscientiously melancholic. Chris is as null as ever.

Jeremy: So in the aftermath of that round, Chris goes onto the final round but the challengers have lost one brain; Douglas, not so brainy after all.

Douglas slumps and considers quitting his life as a doctor.

Jeremy: The next round will be on Geography. Someone wrote in recently to tell us it should be pronounced Gee-og-gra-phy, but honestly, no-one cares. GWR Engineers, who will chance their arm for this round?

Challengers discuss this dilemma, except Douglas who is now lapsing across the table in mental agony. This planet really is a fixed bet.

Bob: We decided to let Keith do it.

Jeremy: Keith?

Keith: Yeah?

Jeremy: Alright then. Who will Keith play?

Keith: How about that, him, CJ?

Jeremy: ... Yeah alright.

CJ and Keith retire to the screen thing from the last round and that. Keith looks insensibly happy. CJ is fucking scary.

Jeremy: Okay then, so Jo-gra-phy. Have you been abroad much Keith?

Keith: I haven't been anywhere north of Skegness.

Jeremy: Great! First or second?

Keith: Ah, I'll think we go second this time round, Jeremy.

Jeremy: How fitting. Right then, CJ. Your first ques- blimey, you're fucking scary!

CJ: Sorry, Jeremy.

Jeremy: And you're bloody arrogant, you are. You know, a lot of people think you're the person people love to hate, but I just fucking detest you, you facetious arsewipe.

CJ: Yeah, I know. But what can I do?

Jeremy: How about you start by handing in your notice on the way out, you horrendous, guttural bastard?

CJ: Alright, Jeremy. Sorry, Jeremy.

Jeremy: Christ. Right then, whatever. Are you particularly keen towards geography?

CJ: Not really, Jeremy. In fact, my knowledge of the earth's geological structure is limited to my simple holidaying.

Jeremy: Oh dear. Your first question; In Budapest, Hungary, the ecclesiastic basilica is dedicated to which Saint and King of Hungary? Is it Silvester? Stephen? or Géza?

CJ: Well, I went to Budapest on holiday last summer so I'd be kicking myself if I got this wrong. Is it King Stephen I of Hungary?

Jeremy: Stephen... is the right answer.

CJ looks immeasurably neutral at getting it right.

Jeremy: Budapest? Isn't that where you took Ian and y- Actually, screw it. I can't look at you.

CJ: Sorry, Jezza.

Jeremy: Don't call me that.

CJ: Sorry, Jeremy.

Jeremy: Well then, Keith. It's your turn.

Keith: Right you are, Jeremy.

Jeremy: Let's hope you get a question befitting your geographical ignorance.

Keith: Eh?

Jeremy: Piccadilly is a major street in which British city? Well you should get this one. Is it Birmingham? Manchester? or London?

Keith: Ah... well... you know.

Jeremy: You've been to the capital at least, surely.

Keith: I haven't been to Birmingham, or London. I've been to Manchester but I don't remember any major streets by that name.

Jeremy: Keith, you must've been to London at least once in your life...

Keith: Nope, never. Is it Birmingham?

Jeremy: No, it's London.

Keith: Oh, right you are then, Jeremy.

Jeremy: Yes... Anyway, it's your turn now, Beelzebub.

CJ: Okay, Jeremy.

Jeremy: Sangiovese is a famous rosso wine from which Italian region? Is it Lazio? Tuscany? Or Lombardy?

CJ: Well, I went to Florence on holiday last summer, so I'd be kicking myself if I get this one wrong. Is it Tuscany?

Jeremy: Tuscany... You're going for Tuscany? ... Is the right answer. Keith, you need the next one right to stay in.

Keith: Alright then.

Jeremy: Let's hope for your sake it's a question about caravans. Which is probably as exciting as your holidays get.

Keith: Aye, I live in one too, you know.

Jeremy: Blimey. We let too much of your kind on this show, you know. God knows what you'd do with the money if you actually won.

Keith: Well I'd like a new pair of trousers.

Jeremy: Okay, thanks, that's enough. Your question is: which is the longest river in Asia? IS it the Irtysh? The Yangtze? Or the Yenisei?

Keith: Ah, hm.

Jeremy: The Irtysh river, otherwise known as the Ob River. And the Yenisei, otherwise known as Angara or the Selenga, depending on your North Asian predilection.

Keith: Is it the Yangtze?

Jeremy: Correct! How did you know?

Keith: Well, ah, I was born on the river there.

Jeremy: But you said you've never been abroad!

Keith: I wasn't on holiday when I was born, was I?

Jeremy: If you look at it that way, yes. It's your turn again CJ, although you can kill this one off if you get it right.

CJ: Yes, Jeremy.

Eggheads is given substantial TV coverage by the BBC.

Jeremy: Which is the fourth most populous city in Niger?

CJ: Oh dear.

Jeremy: Is it Agadez? Maradi? Or Tahoua?

CJ: Well... I went to Agadez on holiday last summer so I'd be-

Jeremy: Kicking yourself if you got it wrong, blah blah blah. Yeah well done, Agadez is right.

CJ: I won fair and square.

Jeremy: Keith, apart from that bizarre part about the Yangtze, I'm afraid your limited travelling expertise just wasn't enough.

Keith: Aye, no, aye. It was just fine.

Jeremy: Just go back to your team, please.

Round Three - History

Jeremy: The challengers have now lost two brains so far, but they could still easily get back in it, with two rounds left. Now this round is history. Anyone well versed in history on the GWR Engineers side? Remember only either Bob, Dave or Tim can play this one.

The challengers bow heads and talk softly to one another once again

Tim: I'll take on History, Jeremy.

Jeremy: Very good. Which Egghead will you want to play?

Tim: I think you made a good point about needing to turn this game around, so I'll try and knock out the stupid one.

Jeremy: Judith?

Tim: Yeah, that one.

Jeremy: Right, well, bear in mind that when Judith won Who Wants to be a Millionaire?, the winning question was in fact about history.

Tim: Ah.

Jeremy: Though to be honest, the same episode was probably fixed so ITV could pull viewers away from the BBC showing it's last ever episode of One Foot in the Grave.

Tim: I see.

Jeremy: Not only that, but the winning question was on the British royal family and she happens to be Camilla's third cousin. She's related to King Edward VII's concubine.

Tim: Oh.

Jeremy: Anyway.

Judith: Hi!

Jeremy: Erm, Tim? First or second?

Tim: First please, Jeremy.

Jeremy: Do you know much about history, Tim? A specialist subject of yours?

Tim: No, just another hobby. I embark on a monthly visit to either a beautiful neo-classical era house or a dingy old castle, carved in the stone of the earth. I take day-long walks in the summer to survey a countryside bereft of a city skyline, and I speak at lectures on the war in the Crimea. I'm also part of the English Civil War Enactors Society.

Jeremy: The ECWES? Weren't you on this last week?

Judith (dreadfully rushed): Can we move on?

Jeremy: Yes, your highness.

Judith: You always take ever so long before the first question.

Jeremy: Well this is a show for the BBC. You get your share of the show in the questions, the BBC and the viewers at home... they'd want some banter to make it interesting. Like how you banter a lot before you answer a question.

Judith: One must take precise care on how the answer is dealt.

Jeremy: If answers were meat, it would go off before you had a chance to serve it.

Judith: Then in that case I would have a lot of answers then, during my weekly shoots at Hampton Court...

Jeremy: Alright, yes. Fine.

Tim: Hm?

Jeremy: Tim, your first history question; the iconic FHM issue that named TV actress Gillian Anderson the sexiest woman in the world was released in which year?

Tim: That's not much of a historical question.

Jeremy: Well, in the interests of balance we have both sets of questions at a lower difficulty, for Judith really. That and the fact that the BBC strip our budget now and then to feed their executives. So now we have replaced most of our history questions with stuff about magazine backlogs or whatever happened last week.

Tim: Oh.

Jeremy: Is it 1996, 1999 or 2003?

Tim: I'm afraid I don't read FHM. Is it 2003? Presumably that was when the X-Files were on.

Jeremy: Amazing. First your team doesn't know anything about Shostakovich, and now I find you don't know anything about the X-Files either.

Tim: Well to be fair, it isn't exactly much of a history quest-

Jeremy (spluttering): Yeah, well... you're not exactly much of a person! What do you say to that!?

Tim: Um...

Jeremy (demeaning): That's just what I thought. Judith, it's your turn.

Judith: Yes.

Jeremy: Michael Jackson died in which year?

Judith: Oh come on, now. I'm not utterly brainless. I know all about Eleanor of Aquitaine and I am fully versed in the annals of historical happenings. Search for a proper question, preferably about Eleanor of Aquitaine.

Jeremy: Yes, my lady. I'll just flip through these cards until I find a more suitable question. You are aware that I will still have to give Tim low-grade questions, right?

Judith: Yes, yes, yes, get on with it.

Jeremy: Fine, fine. The War of the Second Coalition earmarked which key result of Napoleon Bonaparte's path to ascension? Was it the Treaty of Lunéville? Treaty of Tilsit? Or was it the return of the French emperor's GCSE results?

Judith: Oh dear, I'm awfully afraid I don't know anything about Napoleon.

Jeremy: Really?

Judith: I've never really thought of him until now.

Jeremy: Amazing. Are you sure? Because even my kids know a few battles from the Napoleonic Wars.

Judith: I'll have to guess, Jeremy.

Jeremy: It's what you always do, madam Baroness.

Judith: Is it Tilsit?

Jeremy: No, I'm afraid the War of the Second Coalition resulted in the Lunéville treaty, although some historians reckon Napoleon had finished school by this point.

Judith: Tish and pither.

Jeremy: ... Yes. Tim, it's your turn.

Tim: OK.

Jeremy: Jordan, AKA Katie Price, recently divorced from which dim entity? Is it Peter Andre, Andre Previn or Andre the Giant?

Tim: OK, um. I know that Andre Previn is a pianist and composer. Peter Andre... Is it Andre the Giant? It could be a double entendre, I know Jordan was a model or something like that. Don't know about the other one, is it Andre the Giant? My only clue.

Jeremy: No, I'm afraid it was the other one. But if you ask me, him and Jordan are totally getting back together in a few months time. I think Jordan is young and is going ahead of herself with her new relationship and she's only rushing for love because she needs to replace the irreplaceable Peter whatshisname. And you know, Jordan's doorstep, where fools rush in-

Judith (displeasure incurred): Can you get on.

Jeremy: Yes, your honour. You question is thus: which post-D-Day offensive saw the Nazis attempt to claw back at the Allied forces on the Ardennes in WWII? Was it the Bulge? Dunkirk? Or the Siegfried Line?

Judith: Hm. It hurts my heart when WWII is mentioned.

Jeremy: Why? Because you don't know anything about what happened?

Judith: No... My father was killed by the Nazis.

Jeremy: Oh. Judith, I had no idea, I'm sorry.

Judith: Ha! I'm just joshing you, Jeremy. He was there though.

Jeremy: Erm. Answer?

Judith: Is it the Siegfried Line?

Jeremy: No, I'm afraid it was the Battle of the Bulge. No-one's got anything right yet...

Judith: Well Tim evidently doesn't even know what happened last week! I am still better in this subject.

Jeremy: What did happen last week, Judith?

Judith: Well, Jeremy, I was terribly shocked. I heard a gunshot on my own grounds! Then I blessed my stars when it was just Jenkins who shot a fox for dinn-

Jeremy: Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, okay, thank you.

Tim: Is it my go now?

Jeremy: Uh. Yes, sorry. Who was voted the best member of Westlife in a 2004 poll? Was it Shane Filan, Kian Egan or Brian McFadden?

Tim: Again, this isn't quite the historical era I'm accustomed to. I don't read much about contemporary music, just the oldies from the 70s. But, I'll take a stab. Kian Egan?

Jeremy: Kian Egan - is incorrect. I'm afraid it was Brian McFadden. Tim you will have to hope that Judith gets the next question wrong for you to stay in it for the sudden death round.

Tim: Okie-doke.

Jeremy: You heard that, I assume, Judith? Please get this one right.

Judith: It's the questions, Jeremy! The questions are fixed in Tim's favour.

Jeremy: They were fixed for you and other people of a similar income high up in the BBC. But forget that, just get this one right, okay? If the Eggheads lose at least one brain, then I lose as well. My job anyway.

Judith: Fire away then, dear.

Jeremy: Eleanor of Aquitaine was born in which region of France? Alsace, Brittany or Aquitaine?

Judith (bemused): I see.

Tim: Um, what?

Jeremy (whisper): Psst, she'll probably get it wrong anyway, Tim.

Judith: My first thought was that she was from the region of Burgundy, a real person's region of France. But it's not as an answer there.

Jeremy: ... No. Make a guess, perhaps?

Judith: Acquitaine?

Jeremy: Is the corr-

Judith: Acquitaine is a French region?

Jeremy: Oh for god's sake. You got the question right. Just go back to your teams.

Round Four - Sport

Tim and Judith have returned to their places with their teams.

Jeremy: Well now, three rounds up and the challengers have lost three brains whilst the Eggheads have lost none. It's starting to go "off the rails" for our challengers! ... Heh, heh, yeah. Anyway, this round is the last chance for our challengers to take out an Egghead. And it is Sport. GWR Engineers, which of Dave or Bob will go for sport?

Bob: Um, me, easily.

Jeremy: Very well. Which Egghead will you plump for? Only Kevin and Daphne left now.

The camera shows the squalid pair of bespectacled, but faceless mook Kevin, and the still grinning inanely Daphne.

Jeremy: If you want my advice, I'd go for Kevin since Daphne is so ancient she'd probably be dead by the time the final round comes.

Bob: Uh... I think I'll go with Daphne.

Daphne: Oh dear! I don't know anything about sport! I can tell you dears about science, history and geography, but oh dear, I know little of sport. I'm a woman, you see.

Jeremy: Whatever. Go into the box thing you two.

They're back in there and etc. Fag break time.

Jeremy: Bob you have the choice of who goes first.

Bob: I'll go first.

Jeremy: I've forgotten to ask the challengers about their careers. What is it you do again, Bob?

Bob: I'm a consultant in a sellotape factory outside Swindon.

Jeremy and the Eggheads are taken aback at this appalling statement, as if told that the pheasant is off and only pukka pies are available.

Jeremy (horrified): You what!?

Daphne (aghast): A terrifying way to live!

CJ: (disturbed): Ought to be ashamed of yourself!

Chris (shocked): Ought to be banned!

Kevin (mesmerised): Ought to hanged!!

Judith: What's a sellotape, dear?

Jeremy: Bob, this is no place to discuss such heretical ways of living. Never mention such a depressing existence to us again.

Bob: I quite like my job, actually.

Jeremy: Silence, prole!

Bob: Sure.

Jeremy: (after dust has settled): Jesus. Alright, your first question, Bob. Former England cricket captain, Nasser Hussain, scored how many runs in 334 matches between 1987 and 2004? Did he score 19,698 runs? 20,698 runs? Or 21,698 runs?

Bob: Hm. When it comes to sport, I only know football results. Cricket isn't my thing.

Chris: Swine!

Jeremy turns to Chris.

Jeremy: Be quiet, Chris. Let him answer.

He turns back to Bob.

Jeremy: You swine, bob! How can you not know anything about cricket!?

Bob: Just know football results, sorry. Is it the third number? I forgot the total.

Jeremy: 21,698 runs is incorrect. Hussain scored 20,698 runs. How you can not go through life without knowing the best of Hussain's career?

Kevin: Yes. Shame that he's a foreigner.

Eggheads all nod modestly and agree.

Jeremy: Daphne, your question.

Daphne: Oh goody.

Jeremy: How many English Premier League goals has goalkeeper Paul Robinson scored in his career?

Daphne (confused): A goalkeeper?

Jeremy: Did he score 1? 260? or 174?

Daphne (still confused): A goalkeeper?

Jeremy: Yeah, you know, the man who directly defends the goal from his opponents and that.

Daphne: Oh. Is he expected to score many?

Jeremy: Now that you mention it, no he isn't.

Daphne: Is the answer '1'? Just a teeny guess.

Jeremy: Is correct. No idea how a goalkeeper would score so many anyway.

Daphne: Well don't ask me, I don't know anything about sport!

Daphne laughs like... well, just inanely, really.

Jeremy: Yes. Bob, it's your turn now.

Bob: Righto.

Jeremy: So it's only football you have any knowledge of?

Bob: Yes, that's right. From players to Merlin sticker albums.

Jeremy: Good news for you then, this next question is sourced from a football subject.

Bob: Oh, good.

Jeremy: The New England Patriots originate from which US state?

Bob: Oh, dear.

Jeremy: Do they come from New Hampshire? Massachusetts? Or Rhode Island?

Bob: I didn't say I knew about American football.

Jeremy: Tough.

Bob: I'll chance my arm and eliminate the answers then. New England Patriots are from the Greater Boston area... but that encompasses the three states you just mentioned... Is it Rhode Island? Going on a hunch here.

Jeremy: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no and no. You're very wrong. It was Massachusetts, actually.

Bob: Oh, well I don't think I woul-

Jeremy: Just shut up.

Jeremy: Daphne,

Final Round - General Knowledge

Jeremy: And now we come to the round we've been playing towards, general knowledge! The question can be of any topic and they are noticeably harder to some degree. For example, all the questions on notable members of the public are all c-list obscurities, just like our so-called "celebrity" teams.

CJ: And you, Jeremy.

Jeremy: Be quiet.