User:Masturchef
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mastur chef is a character in the bullshit youtube series "raping your mom" this series is named aftur master chafs favorite hole in the planet. he is well known for being highly intelligent and extremely straight. he would never run around a aparment screaming lolololololololololololololololololololoololololololololololololol calling his best friends gay and doing thier mothers. oh wait yes he would. every single episode. execpt for that one where he was too busy doing your sister and mom at the same time to say anything. his pastimes include...
- your mom
- your sister
- your dad
- you
- halo
- halo 2
- halo 3
- halo4
- halo reach
- halo 5
- halo 6 (his personal favorite)
Early Years[edit | edit source]
Mastur chef is the love child of captain jack sparrow and optimus prime. this interaction occured late in the year of 1337 and resulted in a nearly century long pregnancy for darth vader, teh surrogate father. because he wanted to be able to say "i am your father" but had no real children (paternity tests on luke skywalker, lemmy kilmester, OJ Simpson, micheal jackson, and your mom all came back negative).
However, tragedy was once more to strike the Vader family. Darth vader died in childbirth, throwing the emperor down the shaft during one of his compressions. Since vader had most of his body parts removed in past years and upgraded with the latest in stolen chinese technology, there was no place for young mastur chef to come out from, and so he simply exploded, destroying the Death Star with the force.
The Fall of Reach[edit | edit source]
Ten years after the galactic war known as the Boxer's Rebellion, a group of n00bs auto scoping on COD discovered a feral Spartan kicking team members into a giant pit of doom. Having compassion, they dressed the poor wretch in a cape, loincloth, and spray on abs, and christened him leonidas. famous events connected to this obviously shitty idea are: about 300 spartans and a bunch of greek farmers getting pwnd by the persions in that one ting they made a movie out of. this event was all "leonidas' fault" as he had taken helen which pissed of the persians and then left them behind to die one by one from various uncared about causes. this also caused the nuking of jerusalem and banishment of all things holy or un-holy from my back yard.
The persian-war-300-spartans-thingy had an adverse affect on poor leonidas, who we all know and love to hate today as mastur chef. His confidence was shattered, and he consequently turned emo for the next 101 years. Subsequently he was brought back from depression by an alien companion known as Lenny, who removed all things dark and depressing from around him by either killing or blowing them up. This is the reason that there is no black armor on any halo game past 1.
TeH ZombEhS!!![edit | edit source]
The next things that went down were very strange and surreal to the masturchef since in his depression he started dropping acid once a day and ussualy more. this helped by being fun. He was on a space ship, then he was crashing into a floating ring, and then he met a dude, who took him to a different spaceship that was full of evil alien lizards with gnome allies, they fucked shit up in the space ship got a guy and then left. then they were in a swamp and found a pit of zombie popcorn kernels that turned dead things into walking yeast infections that wanted flesh. he kept his cool though and killed shit with a shotgun and assault rifle he found on the ground.
Eventually his superiors got bored of sending him around to kill things so they sent him to kill all the things faster with the rings amazing power to glow and make death happen. But he refused so he just blew it up. This insolense resulted in his friend lenny's fourth death. Then he floated around in space for a while until he got bored.
To Earth, And Awaaaaaaay[edit | edit source]
Eventually in his random floating sometime after he ran out of LSD his recently Re-resurrected friend Lenny found him and brought him to Earth, but before they could land the alien lizard clan and their gnome buddies attacked them in anger for their other friends dyings in the glowing thing exploding. Then the aliens penetrated earths thong of defenses and gave it crabs. The crabs wandered all over sensitive areas leaving sores all over. After a few of their crabs were fucked up the aliens decided they needed more STDs (Stupid Target Disposers) to send at the humans and went for some hookers and beer.
Not to be left out of an orgy masturchef followed them and found yet another HALO (Huge Ass Light Orgy) the aliens got pissed cuz they didnt have enough beer for everyone and tried to kill the tagalongs. However one of the aliens called Teh Arbitur thought they could share the beer. He and his gang of lizards were quickly kicked out of the party and alienated (yes, aliens can be alienated dont doubt me) while he was alienated he found more zombeh kernels and more stuff happened. Then the Party goers got angry and hired a bunch of roid raging gorrilas to bounce unwanted guests such as the lizards and the humans. They were quickly called the Brutes by the Arbitur after they kicked his buddies ass for looking at them weird. This resulted in the lizards and humans ganging up on the gorilas.
Eventually the lizards and humans got tired of being left out of the party and blew it the fuck up.