User:Lord Chutney/Swiffer
“I like the things that do that stuff, yeah!”
A Swiffer is a distant relation to a hamster.
It is used for many unique purposes including (but not limited to):
- yak shaving,
- badger fisting,
- spatula spotting,
- thermonuclear warfare,
- spandex alignment,
- drug dealing,
- genecology,
- rampant mule taming,
- cabbage harvesting,
- hard house dance music,
- goat catapulting,
- Elvis impersonations,
- worshipping the MegaFunk deity.
Usage[edit | edit source]
Never argue with a Swiffer, and make sure you keep it tucked up warm.
History[edit | edit source]
Swiffers originally came from the Land Beyond The Sea, which shortly after was renamed Scunthorpe. During the early years of their evolution in that foreign place they possessed the souls of Yaks, later finding physical form in the guise of mud.
Possessing great intelligence and dirt the Swiffers formed themselves into two great clans Swiffelle and Swiffee; their determination was to annihilate each other and this manifested itself in a wild series of genetic experimentation which led to the inevitable genetic mutant Swiffer clan made entirely of Swiffers who went by the name of Bob.
At some indistinguishable point after this the two clans successfully destroyed each other and Swiffers went out of existence. But in a cruel twist of fate, they didn’t.
After a while they got bored, and turned themselves into cleaning products, the Yaks they had once possessed took the heavy burden of trampling them into the ground, but one brave Swiffer escaped to freedom and found friends at a top secret cleaning factory where they stole his ideas and marketed them as their own. Thus we see today the faceless monster that was once a delightfully chirpy pile of mud.
The first recorded human interaction with the Swiffer was in 1832 when a man by the name of Bob “No Teeth Please” McGuinness successfully completed the first marathon. It was another 600 years before man understood what to do with a Swiffer.
In another cruel twist of fate the mirror Star Wars universe used Swiffers to beat people up. This obviously wouldn’t work in this universe as Swiffers don’t get to the gym enough to “bulk up”.
Religion[edit | edit source]
The MegaFunk Deity seems to like Swiffers, reading his texts written by Bob “No Teeth Please” McGuinness, it would seem they are very valuable to him. Some scholars have argued this was merely Bob “No Teeth Please” McGuinness attempting to dispose of the 15,000 Swiffers he purchased on eBay one night after a heavy drinking session.
Needless to say Swiffers now appear in nearly every major religions texts, and every good Catholic Church has at least 20 Swiffers. If yours does not, it’s a terrible Catholic Church where they probably rape penguins for a laugh.
Jesus himself was a well known Swiffer user (and coincidently a world class surfer), but this detail was omitted from the first version of the Bible because of an editorial dispute between the two Rupert Murdochs.
Bible 2: Bigger and Better also excludes mention of the Swiffer, however this is a common problem with Bible 2, which in some circles is just referred to as Holy Shit. Bible 3 is due out next year, so, watch this space.
If you’ve stopped watching that space you’ll know the answer to the question, which we didn’t know previously. This may be a lie.
People Connected With The Swiffer[edit | edit source]
- Edward Elgar – in 1999 made successful contact with The Swiffer Council of Sweden.
- Adolf Hitler – in 1986 failed to annul his marriage to Daisy the Swiffer on the grounds that she was his wife.
- Desmond Tutu – in 1832 found several new uses for a Swiffer, all of which have been forgotten now.
- Queen Victoria – in 1911 found that her 207 year trial of the Swiffer as a sex toy was successful. She launched a briefly successful range of kinky underwear which she had personally soiled to celebrate this fact.