User:LeisurePirate/Five pillars of pirating

The Five pillars of pirating are the foundations of a pirate's life. They are Loot, Pillage, Boating, Fancy and Rape. Various sects and factions of piratism have sought to add pillars to the fundamental five, such as not being gay, stealthiness, or having gills.

Loot

This is what pirates think about your teeth.

"It is the duty of all pirates to loot, steal and plunder until their mighty pockets are overflowing."

This is the first and most important pillar of piratism, because a pirate is essentially a dirty thief who will steal your teeth right out of your face. The following is a true account of a pirate's teeth stealing ways:

Yo, last week I was jus' walking down the street, and this big motha' pirate comes up to me and I'm all like "Yo, what up bro?" and this pirates jus' gets all up in my face and says "I want your teeth, give them to me." So I jus' split homie and ran home, but when I woke up in the morning I was in a bathtub full of ice, and my teeth was gone. Seriously.

Pirate's are know to loot:

• Treasure
• Boats
• Children's Toys
• Topshop
• Topman
• Teeth
• Anything not bolted down
• Bolt removing equipment
• Extravagant hats

Pillage

The location of the ultimate pirate treasure. Blackbeard's beard.

"A pirate must pillage Mecca at least once in his lifetime."

This pillar was conceived after Blackbeard, beardiest of all pirates, dropped his giant beard at Mecca where it was quickly surrounded by five hundred million Muslims, who now worship the beard as a space rock. Some ancient scriptures say Blackbeard's beard was sliced off by a vengful Allah, this cannot be true however, because Blackbeard has never been defeated in mortal combat.

The beard is an artifact of such unimaginable power, that it is the duty of every pirate to try to recover it at least once in their lifetime. In modern times this only dome symbolically, when a pirate steps off his boat, takes a dump leaves.

Boating

I am so alone.

"Each and every pirate must practice piratism on a boat, raft, dock, island or anything surrounded by water."

All pirates fear the great squid god of the deep, Cthulhu. When a man is able to conqueror his fears of the deep dark ocean, he may be deemed a pirate. While pirates often operate on seafaring vessels, they are not required to swim, as this may conflict with the pillar of Fancy, because some pirate suits are dry-clean only.

Fancy

Pirates are so damn fancy.

"A pirate must be fancy, but not too fancy."

Never ever forget this: Pirates are so god damn sexy, it hurts.

This pillar of piratism dictates how much effort a pirate must put into his appearance. That amount is of course, none. A pirate is naturally Fancy.

They can often be setting the fashion of the day, or scowling at the ill-informed wearers of tube-socks. A pirate can always be found wearing a fancy hat. The better the pirate, the bigger the hat. A lowly deck-swabber may wear a bandanna, a pirate captain may wear a large hat. A pirate admiral may wear a deck-swabber as a hat.

How to dress like a Pirate

Never ever forget this: You can dress like a pirate, but you will never be a pirate.

A pirate has many items of clothing that he may choose to wear, including:

• An eye-patch
• A wooden leg, or two
• A frilly shirt
• Thinning horizontal stripes
• Your mom

Rape

The fifth pillar of pirating is rape. This makes some filthy people happy.

"A pirate must make five rapes a day."

Rape is a favorite pirate-child past time. It is often played in pirate playgrounds by pirates as young as 2 months. One player is 'it' and that player must rape another, who then becomes 'it'. Variations on the game include Anal Rape, Rape your mother and Gang rape a policeman.

New Pillars

There are many pirate sects that wish to amend the Five Pillars to suit their own ends.

Not being Gay

The Council of Pirates who Regret Experimenting in Their Youth voted in favour of adding the new pillar, 'Not being gay', to their charter. Many pirates disagree with this and the Council has suffered many losses from it's ranks. Some pirate experts contend that being gay is an acceptable or even necessary condition of Fancy.

Stealthyness

The most contentious sect of pirates, the Ninja Pirates, have always had a sixth pillar: The pillar of stealthiness. Stealthiness is despised and feared by regular Pirates. The only time a pirate is stealthy is when Cthulhu is looking for him, because Cthulhu is hard as nails. Sometimes Cthulhu looks for pirates when he needs a q-tip. He's that goddamn big.

Parrot

The National Union of Parrots have threatened strike action against all pirates, unless a new pillar is added called 'Parrot' making it mandatory for at least 20% of pirates aboard a ship to have a parrot. This will never happen, because a pirate can kill, rape, and feast upon a parrot without even waking up.

Gills

In the great pirate wars of 127 CE, the previously united race of pirates diverged into several sects, sub-races and clans. One of these sects was the fish-pirates of azkaban, who only allowed pirates with gills into their sect. These pirates would have been a highly successful breed, as their mastery of water breathing was bested by no pirate. Had they been successful in their conquest, gills would have been a pillar of piratism. Unfortunately, these pirates were easily tricked into impaling themselves on a small hook with bait attached, and all of their number were eventually fished and clubbed by other pirates.