User:Kitkats/Interview with a Vampire
The following is a semi-true account of an alleged vampire, not sure though if he really was, I mean he had the cape and everything but i still kinda thought he looked too weird to be a vampire. Anyways, this is a transcript of that night.
Background[edit | edit source]
I met Mr. Vampire in a dark alley in the corner of Washington and Fifth. Not exactly sure where, hey it was dark.
Anyway, he attacked and as he was about to bite my neck and suck my blood, he saw my New York Times I.D. and he decided that he wants me to interview him, just like Brad Pitt in that movie, Interview with a Vampire. Confused and not wanting to be dead, I agreed.
Beginning the Interview[edit | edit source]
Me: Good evening Mr. vampire. First and foremost, whats your name?
Vampire: "My name is not important.. "
[he laughs sinisterly]
Me: O-kay.. Anyways, how long have you been a vampire?
Vampire: "I've been around for two thousand five hundred years!"
[he laughs sinisterly again]
Me: O cool! then must've known Jesus?
Vampire: "Unfortunately, no, that guy never goes out at night, so i never got to see him. I heard that he was really square, that guy..."
Me: That's too bad, so which historical figures did you know?
Vampire: "Um, I've met Nero. Now that was a really cool guy. We'd stay up all night drinking goat's blood and smoke weed till we're blown bat fucking insane. One time we got so high, we started burning shit up! we burned everything in sight, and i mean everything, cows, stables, children.. It was so fucking funny!"
[he was ROFL]
Me: That must've been really..
Vampire: "Wait there more, i think you know this guy, you ever heard about someone named Adolf?"
Me: Yes, he was a..
Vampire: "Yeah, yeah he was a bad guy, but did you know that he screams like a girl? It was so fucking funny. One night, I went to his house and waited for him in his bathroom. While he was shaving his mustache, i jumped out of the corner of his bathroom with my whole cape thing and scared the shit out of him! He screamed so loud that the neighbors thought he was being raped in the ass with a cactus. It was hilarious! Ever since then he could never finish shaving properly."
[he was LOL]
Me: That's great, so let me ask you where did you come from?
Vampire: "I'm from Pennsylvania.."
Me: Wait?!? There wasn't any people in Pennsylvania two thousand years ago!
Vampire: "Were you there two thousand years ago? NO!? I didn't think so.. Now shut the fuck up! Next question..."
[he laughs sinisterly]
Me: yeah, what ever..
Life as a Vampire[edit | edit source]
Me: So what's it like being a vampire?
Vampire: "Its really hard man. Every time I pop out to eat, people are always expecting a Tom Cruise or an Antonio Banderas to suck their blood. You see not all vampires are good looking you know! It's discrimination I tell you!"
Me: Yeah, that must be hard. So how do you deal with people like that?
Vampire: "I bleed them dry..."
Me: I see... [*cough *cough *clearing throat]
Vampire Facts[edit | edit source]
Me: Anyway let me ask, is it true that vampires are afraid of garlic?
Vampire: "Heck no! we love the stuff! but we care too much about onions, they leave a bad aftertaste.. yuck!"
Me: How about crosses, are you afraid of those?
Vampire: "Absolutely not, thats just a myth the Hollywood created! I mean we may be blood suckers but were not exactly the devil you know! Crosses can't hurt us.. not unless you sharpen them like a stake."
Me: Oh, so its true that you can kill a vampire with a stake in the heart?
Vampire: "Of course it is! Lets see you get stabbed in the heart with stake and not be dead! What a stupid question! Next!"
Me: How about vampire babes? As you've said not all vampire dudes are good looking, but what about vampire babes, are they all hot?
Vampire:"That is completely true... in fact check out my wife.. -------------->"
Me: LA LA LA Vampire:
Me: Vampire: