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'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.
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 "The stockings were hung by the chimney"
Hanging socks on a fireplace is freaking asinine.
 "In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there"
The family is waiting for a man who has been dead for 16 centuries.
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The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads.
And Mama in her ‘kerchief, and I in my cap,
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 "..visions of sugar-plums danced.."
Dancing sugar plums is the gayest thing ever.
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Had just settled our brains for a long winter’s nap.
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When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.
The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer.
With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name!
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 "I flew like a flash"
Human beings can't run at the speed of a flash, except for the Flash.
  "The moon on the breast"
Moore is talking about a naked butt rubbing against a breast in a poem
that he wrote for his children.
"Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below"
In no way could the moon have possibly been so bright that it would
make night look like midday.
"..eight tiny reindeer"
Reindeer are not tiny. A male reindeer can weigh up to 300 lbs.
Perhaps these reindeer suffer from dwarfism? We already know Santa
has a dwarf fetish.
"More rapid than eagles"
Reindeer can run fast, but not quick enough to stay airbourne, as this
flouts some fundamental laws of gravity and aerodynamics. This line
could indicate the observer smoked a Yuletide joint earlier.
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"Now Dasher! now, Dancer! now, Prancer and Vixen!
On, Comet! on, Cupid! on, Donder and Blitzen!
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 "Vixen"
Vixen.
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To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!"
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As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky.
So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,
With the sleigh full of Toys, and St. Nicholas too.
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"As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly, when they meet
with an obstacle, mount to the sky"
Leaves will not pile up to the sky, no matter how hard the wind is
blowing. (Besides, who's going to build a wall that high? Foreigners?)
"So up to the house-top the coursers they flew"
Rein. Deer. Can. NOT. FLYYYYYYY!!
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And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
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They can hula hoop, though.
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Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound.
He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot.
A bundle of Toys he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a peddler, just opening his pack.
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 "He was dressed all in fur"
PETA isn't going to like this. Fur is murder! Fur is murder!
"And he looked like a peddler"
How do you know that he is not, in fact, a peddler? He could be robbing
your ass. You're a horrible father.
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His eyes-how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
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"His eyes-how they twinkled!"
His description of Father Christmas is very, very faggy. Get a room!
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His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow.
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The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath.
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"The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth"
What kind of message is this sending? "Hey kids, smoking is cool
because Santa does it!"
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He had a broad face and a little round belly,
That shook when he laughed, like a bowlful of jelly!
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He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself!
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"A right jolly old elf"
There are no such beings. Piss off, Tolkien nerds.
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A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.
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He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the stockings, then turned with a jerk.
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose!
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"And laying his finger aside of his nose...up the chimney he rose!"
Try this one for yourself. You see that laying a finger aside of the nose
and giving a nod will not make one levitate. However, putting it up inside
your nose and giving a dig can lead to euphoria.
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He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, ‘ere he drove out of sight,
"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night!"
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"Happy Christmas to all..."
Jews, Hindus, Muslims, etc., generally don't celebrate Christmas.
"...and to all a good night!"
Half of the world was experiencing daytime when he exclaimed this.
 The Story's Over
I lied. There is no good stuff. This awful poem sucks balls.
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