User:Kippy/UnRecipe:Soufflé
[Clara]
Welcome to the premiere of Cooking with Clara and the Doctor. I'm Clara Oswald, and this is my assistant.
[Doctor]
Hello! I'm the Doctor.
[Clara]
To kick off our adventures in cooking, we're going to make a personal favorite of mine: A chocolate soufflé!
[Doctor]
Yum!
[Clara]
Now you may assume that baking a soufflé is easy, but it's far from it. The ability to create a perfect, flawless soufflé is a skill. No, more than that. It's practically an exact science. You need all the right ingredients. It's like my mum always said:
| “ | The soufflé isn't the soufflé, the soufflé is the recipe. | ” |
[Doctor]
That's so true. Many of your scientists even argue that the universe itself is like a soufflé, in that it has just the precise amount of 'ingredients' and 'baking' for life to have arisen. They refer to this as the Anthropic Principle.
In fact, one of them once said, "If you wish to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first invent the universe." Well, that's rubbish. I've been to the big bang numerous times - I've initiated Big Bang II: The Electric Boogaloo - and not once have I ever had the craving for apple pie. Apple pie is bollocks.
Also, soufflés are nothing like apple pie, so disregard everything I've said.
[Clara]
Umm.. let's get started, then.
Ingredients[edit | edit source]
- 7 ounces finely chopped bittersweet or semisweet chocolate
- 4 tablespoons unsalted butter, plus for preparing the molds
- 1 1/2 teaspoons pure vanilla extract
- 3 large egg yolks
- 3 tablespoons warm water
- 1/2 cup sugar, plus 2 tablespoons
- 8 large egg whites, room temperature
- 1/2 teaspoon fresh lemon juice
- Confectioners' sugar for garnish
[Clara]
Doctor, hand me the milk.
[Doctor]
Oh...
[Clara]
What? What is it?
[Doctor]
Yeah, I.. uh... I forgot to pick up the milk. Oi, don't worry. I'll fire up the TARDIS and go pick up some right now.
[Clara]
No, Doctor. We agreed no Time Lord stuff on my show.
[Doctor]
Yes, I know, I promised, but this is an emergency. The milk, Clara. Where are you going to get the milk?
[Clara]
Oh, alright. Don't take too long.
*Doctor jumps in the TARDIS, travels to the nearest gas station, picks up milk, returns a few seconds before he left*
[Clara]
Oh, alright. Don't take too long.
*a hand holding a carton of milk appears on the left of Clara*
[Doctor] (off screen)
Here you go.
[Clara]
Okey-dokey.
Luckily, we already have one finished to present.
[Doctor]
Oh..
[Clara]
What now?
[Doctor]
The soufflé you baked earlier.. I didn't realize it was for the show. I sort of.. *makes circular hand gesture* ate it.
[Clara]
You ate it?! The whole thing?
[Doctor]
I was hungry!
[Clara]
All of it.
[Doctor]
Very hungry.
[Clara]
Ugh. I guess we'll just wait. Cut the camera.
[Doctor]
No, no, don't cut. Not all is lost. I have something more exciting up my sleeve. I took the liberty in making your oven a bit more, let's say, Gallifreyan.
[Clara]
Gallifreyan? What part of "No Time Lord stuff" did you not understand?
[Doctor]
Oh, pish-posh, Clara. This'll be fun! See, the oven
now has the ability to compress time. What will be mere moments for us will be 30 minutes on the inside. Pretty cool, huh?
[Clara]
*sigh*
I suppose.
[Doctor]
Suppose nothing. Watch this. I'll just set the wimey timer... like.. so. Aaand.. we're off!
*All is normal, until the oven starts to glow red.*
[Doctor]
Uh-oh... CLARA, GET DOWN!
*The Doctor shoves Clara out of frame. At this point the oven door opens up and an explosion of liquified soufflé spews all over the Doctor. The cake-coated Doctor opens his eyes and spits out of his pouty lips before licking them.*
[Doctor]
Mmmm... terrible.
[Clara]
What the hell just happening?!
*The Doctor grabs the milk carton and looks at the expiration date*
[Doctor]
Right, so it seems the milk had already expired when I picked it up... 30 years from now. See the label? 2043. However, in bringing the carton beyond its own past existence, I created a milk paradox. See, usually these sort of things don't occur when time-traveling with food, but the quantum mechanics of gas station milk are special. Very tricky, very... wibbly-wobbly.
Add to that the heat and the time compression, and the potential soufflé's only ethical choice of action was to explode in front of my face before it could implode the galaxy from within. Well done, potential soufflé.
*Clara gives the Doctor a look of fury, her eyes burning redder than the oven was mere seconds ago*
But, yeah. I'm sorry Clara. I'm so, so sorry... but your soufflé is ruined. And possibly your show as well.
*Suddenly, Clara makes a gleeful smirk.*
[Clara]
Oh, don't worry about it. I think I have a back-up.
*Clara opens a cabinet and pulls out a finished soufflé*
Oh look at that. There was one here after all.
[Doctor]
But.. I ate the other one. Where did that come from? Who made that?
[Clara]
I will. In about an hour from now. That's your cue, assistant. Run, you clever boy. *winks*
[Doctor]
Oh, that's brilliant, just fantastic! Right on, Soufflé Girl! So long, everyone! Thanks for watching!
*The Doctor jumps into the TARDIS. Clara waves as it dematerializes*
[Clara]
Well, that'll keep him busy. Like I said, baking a soufflé is an exact science.
You understand, Steven? Okay, good. Now let's try this again.
. . .
Welcome to the premiere of Cooking with Clara. I'm Clara Oswald.