User:Jokerwitz/Woody Allen
Woody Allen (born Putz Allen on January 14, 1951; nicknames: Cocky, Schlongy, Meatsticky), is a neurotic, self-obsessed, potty-minded, sexually repressed, auteur. He's also Jewish. Shockingly.
Allen makes motion pictures, which is ironic, because they feel like they take forever to get through. Between the unrelenting courtship, the neverending angst, the predictable elusiveness of sexual fulfillment, well, let's just say they're neither Fast nor Furious, and all of the chase scenes take place in taxis. The babes always way peacoats, and there's not a pair of knee-high leathers or sideboob in a one of them.
Early Life[edit | edit source]
Woody was born in Manhattan, a pretentious ball of snot from the first squeak. As a young child he was prone to fits of introspection, refusing to finish his Cheerios until someone explained to him the logic of naming a sugarless circle of breakfast cereal after an emotion signifying happiness. Young Woody had few friends.
In middle school, Woody started a film club, taking ample advantage of the coterie of 12 year old girls who took an interest in his screenplay. Woody soon realized that film was not merely a refuge for boys so socially awkward that their closest companions were spot projectors nick-named Arnie but a way to meet ladies. The use of overly intellectual art as a tool to get laid is a recurring them of Allen's life--I mean movies.
As a high school student, Woody honed his game on the rough streets of Upper West, between dirty 3rd and Amsterdam. Puberty was not kind to him, but a regular rotation between his best boy grip and the third clarinetist in the weekend orchestra provided him with what he came to call, "artistic relief".
Film career[edit | edit source]
Woody Allen made billions artfully recycling the following storyline. You can to--all you have to do is:
- 1. Move to New York
- 2. Pick a girl (pubescence optional)
- 3. Find a shrink
- 4. Walk around on a cloudy afternoon with a continuous chest-level mid-shot babbling to yourself about whatever will never get you laid in real life
- 5. Repeat
Don't ask why the shtick works; it just does. It has something to do with men wanting to watch someone even more pathetic and impotent than them seduce women who are even younger than their children. And women wanting to watch a man so emasculated that all of their daddy-issues dissolve in their movie seats as they imagine riding that withered excuse of a man to ecstasy.
A classic Woody Allen gimmick where he thinks about things in society that everyone knows but few say out loud[edit | edit source]
There is also a classic Woody Allen gimmick where he thinks about things in society that everyone knows but few say out loud. For example: "[Walking around New York City] Why is it that people who drive never cross the line in the center of the road? I always worry about that. I mean, it's just a line. Just some yellow paint. We draw outside the lines. But we won't don't drive outside of them? Why is that?" In a day when Socrates is a Halo handle, this schlock passes for philosophy.
Stuff I can't figure out[edit | edit source]
The crazier thing is that the life-battered, sugar-sweet heroines of Woody Allen's movies actually go (down) for just this kind of feckless man. It's as if all their lives they secretly wanted to bone their dentured, spelling-bee winning grandfather and then one day Woody shows up on the subway seat next to them wearing a brushed corduroy blazer, and holding a lukewarm cup of Earl Grey with, leather-bound Proust, and a laminated pocket-copy of the Kama Sutra in his manpurse. Serendipitous!
Seriously[edit | edit source]
Seriously, Woody Allen is a great guy, because he pulled off what most of us can only dream of--turning his petty, self-centered, existential anxiety into a lifestyle that pays. Good on ya' mate. I mean Putz.
Directorial Filmography[edit | edit source]
- Early Funny One #1 (1966)
- Early Funny One #2 (1967)
- One-Liners Galore! (1968)
- More One-Liners! (1968)
- I Wanna Be Like Groucho Marx (1969)
- Why Can't I Be Taken Seriously? (1971)
- Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex With Children * But Were Afraid to Ask (1972)
- More Obligatory One-Liners!! (1973)
- The Funny AND Artsy-Fartsy One! (1977)
- Look At Me, I'm Dramatic (AKA Faux-Bergman Film #1) (1978)
- Manhattan (1979)
- I Love Manhattan (1980)
- New York In General, Actually (1980)
- New York (1981)
- Pretentious Pseudo-Intellectual Types...In New York!! (1983)
- Hannah And her New York (1985)
- Faux-Bergman Film #2 (1986)
- Faux-Bergman Film #3 (1986)
- Faux-Bergman Film #4...In New York!! (1987)
- Faux-Bergman Film #5...In A Different Part Of New York!! (1988)
- Faux-Fellini Film #1...Oh Yeah, In New York. (1988)
- New York Stories (Segment: NNNNEEEEWWWWW YYYOOOORRRRKKKK!!!!!!) (1989)
- Faux-Bergman Film #6 (1990)
- Faux-Bergman Film #7 (1991)
- How Hitler Stole Hanukkah (1991)
- New York New York New York New York New York New York New York New York New York New York New York New York New York New York New York (1992)
- Faux-Bergman Film #8 (1993)
- Faux-Bergman Film #9 (1994)
- Faux-Fellini Film #2 (1995)
- Crappy Funny One #1 (1996)
- Crappy Funny One #2 (1997)
- Crappy Funny One #3 (1998)
- Crappy Funny One #4 (2000)
- Crappy Funny One #5 (2001)
- Crappy Funny One #6 (2002)
- Woody Matchstick Point (2004)
- Now I'm In London! Oh, Snap! Weren't Expecting That One, Were You?! (2005)
- Crappy Funny One #7...But Now In London! (2006)
- Crappy Funny One #8, Also In London (2007)
- Die Hard 5: Woody Allen (2007)
- A Pretentious Tale of Two Cities: New York and London (2007)
- Back 2 New York, The Brits Kicked Me Out (2008)
- Faux-Woody Allen Film Of Faux-Bergman Film Of Faux-Zeppelin Film (2008)
- The Jew that was Generous (2009)
- Transformers 2: Battle For Pretension In New York (2009)
Upcoming[edit | edit source]
- Untitled Woody Allen Summer/Spring/Fall/Winter in New York/Spain/France/London Simultaneously Project (Its already out, clearly)
- So I Married Led Zeppelin (2010) Presumed Rated X
- Falling in Love with a 5-Year-Old Chinese Girl in New York Ain't Just About That (It's About Sex, Too) (2010)
- Cheese, grits, hams, yams, chitlins, sunflower seeds (2010)(with Ron Jeremy)
- All Girls Just Wanna Have Fun (With Guys Named Woody) (2011) (Music Video feat. Ms. Swan & Timbaland)
- Honey I married the kid (2011)
- Why Can't I Stop Writing Scripts? (2013)