User:Hyperbole/There's No Fucking Way This Is Butter!
There's No Fucking Way This Is Butter! is a brand of vegetable oil spread marketed to people who are sane.
Although it is essentially the same product as its leading competitor, I Can't Believe It's Not Butter, it caters to people who are capable of forming a belief that vegetable oil spread is not butter, based on:
- The fact that it tastes nothing like butter.
- The fact that it is very obviously a vegetable oil spread.
- The fact that it says these things right on the fucking tin.
Interestingly, There's No Fucking Way This Is Butter! commands only 2% of the vegetable oil spread market, suggesting that most people are completely incapable of accepting the reality which they inhabit.
Product history[edit | edit source]
In 2003, Kraft Foods was considering discontinuing its vegetable oil spread, "Grandma Evelyn's Various Partially Hydrogenated Vegetable Oils," as the brand commanded an utterly pathetic market share. However, marketing executives at Kraft managed to convince the CEO that the problem lay in the product's name, and that a rebranding campaign might help.
Kraft Foods CEO Irene Rosenfeld was skeptical, but nonetheless ordered market research performed on the issue. After all, Rosenfeld reasoned, she'd recently had to re-brand herself after mischevious office workers had begun to refer to her as "I Can't Believe It's Not a Pre-Op Transsexual!"
After several months of diligent research, Kraft's survey consultant reported that many American consumers are perfectly capable of distinguishing between butter and passive-aggressive hipsters named Sam. After several more months of diligent research, Kraft's replacement survey consultant reported that many American consumers are also perfectly capable of distinguishing between butter and vegetable oil spreads.
Thus, in an attempt to capture this untapped market, Grandma Evelyn's vegetable oils were rebranded "There's No Fucking Way This Shit This Is Butter!", and Grandma Evelyn was taken out behind Kraft Foods and shot. Fortunately, no charges were filed, because Grandma Evelyn was a heavyset Negro woman. And also partly because, being a corporate mascot, she was fictional.
Several months later, it became apparent that selling plastic tubs labeled "shit" was not a good way to sell a product, and the words "This Shit" were quietly dropped from the product's name.