User:Hyetal
Hyetal Shinaosu (Hyetus pistis, meaning nothing of significance), is a member of the Hominidae family, and also a member of the Felidae family by marriage. The hyetal is a bipedal mammal similar in many respects to the common Homo sapiens. It was first discovered in a hospital room in 1980, and is native to eastern North America, particularly Massachusetts, although unverified reports have spotted members of the species in such places as Chicago and Montreal.
According to the IUCN Red List, Hyetal pistis is critically endangered, with an estimated one (1) known animal. With the species' general anti-social behavior and failed attempts at mating in captivity, concerns have been raised by the WWF, the WWE, the WCW, the WWW and the WWJD.
Anatomy[edit | edit source]
The hyetal stands on two legs, somewhat similar to a gorilla, and averages 5' 9" (175 cm) in height, somewhat similar to Sylvester Stallone. It weighs between 180 and 190 lbs., tending toward the latter directly after feeding. It is nearly hairless and has pale skin. It is known to have lower-than-average vision capabilities and has poor hygiene.
Behavior[edit | edit source]
The hyetal is essentially nocturnal, but will hunt during the day unless threatened by predators or humans. Its normal diet consists of processed cheese, manufactured meat products, and tomato-based liquids; and salad, delivered, for $17.25 not including tip. When necessary, the hyetal can prepare crude "meals" for itself by dragging together meats, breads, and vegetables and consuming them together. It also somewhat ingeniously uses an electric stove to heat up prey that has gone cold.
Do You Love Me?[edit | edit source]
Do you love me?
Cultural References[edit | edit source]
- The 8 September 1997 episode of the cartoon South Park, titled "All the King's Men," featured a hyetal in the title role.
- The 20 July 2004 episode of the cartoon Family Guy, titled "Death Murder the Kill Death," featured a scene in which Peter Griffin has a flashback to a time when he remembered the time he fought a hyetal; a scene follows showing Peter and a hyetal arguing over the bill at a restaurant.
- A hyetal is visible in the background of the 19 October 1991 episode of Seinfeld, titled "Nothing Ado about Nothing."
- T. S. Eliot's poem "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock" was written about a hyetal.
- Shakespeare's play The Tragical History of Hamlet, Prince of Denmark was originally written to be played entirely by hyetals. This idea was scrapped at the advice of Shakespeare's editor, and dialogue was added instead.
A Kick-ass Lamb Kabob Recipe[edit | edit source]
Prep time: just a sec
Cook time: 7-10 years, with time off for good behavior
Ingredients:
- 30 1/2 pounds ground lamb
- 1 1/2 pounds ground pork
- 6 beeves
- 1 egg white
- 2 egg blue
- 1 potato
- 1 teaspoon kosher salt
- 1 more teaspoon kosher salt
- 1 orphan
- 2 teaspoons ground black pepper
- 9 Albanian lek
- 1 gamp
- 3d6 teaspoon paprika
- 1 last teaspoon kosher salt
- the Doppler effect
Instructions:
- Preheat oven to 400º. (Optional.)
- Combine lamb, pork, and beeves in a stainless bowl. Blend until the consistency of a Rubik's Cube in good light.
- Add eggs, salt, and pepper.
- Subtract eggs.
- Multiply by potato.
- Divide by zero; scrap resulting space-time-violating mess.
- Add paprika to meat mixture. (One reroll allowed or roll 4d6 and keep the three highest rolls.)
- Use lek to purchase dictionary to look up "gamp." (Optional.)
- Strike orphan with gamp.
- Play 20 Questions.
- Enjoy! (Optional.)