User:Frozen Serge/100 things you learned from Watchmen

1) If you don't automatically shout "WHAT THE HELL?!" when you see Dr. Manhattan's penis, you're a closet homosexual and should remedy the situation by voicing your displeasure to the entire audience surrounding you, immediately.

2) Blue antler-tigers magically exist in alternate universes.

3) So do shape-shifting masks.

4) And an extra inch of Richard Nixon's nose.

5) Dr. Manhattan could do in a week what the mighty US army could not do in 8 years. (You all know what i mean)

6) Dr. Manhattan likes Jailbait

7) Superman and other superpowered heroes do not exist in the alternate comic universe.

8) The Comedian should have handled Tom Cruise in Born on the 4th of July

9) That really hot chick you used to work with might show up on your doorstep when her long term relationship tanks. You should take advantage of her vulnerable emotional state.

10) Said hot chick may be turned on by a compound fracture (on someone else).

11) Also flamethrowers.

12) If the world had superheroes we would be in far worse trouble than we currently are.

13) There's a really good reason for term limits.

14) Aforementioned hot chick also has thing for brainy geeks. Go, Poindexter!

15) Nite Owl cannot get it up unless he is under the influence of superheroism, even when he's with a super fine chick under the name of Malin Ackerman.

15. The downside of having Godly powers, is that erection is no longer possible

16. The upside for the female is that at least the fingers of the blue man are like batteries.

17. Hot chicks are cool on Premature ejaculations

18. Just send in the Comedian to take care of hippies.

20) If you see someone disintegrating your friend into nothingness, yell out NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO long after he's been disintegrated.

21. Ozzy could really take on a lot of punches.

22. The Comedians true remaining friend was a dying and aging former nemesis

23) When you're a super hero, rape is much easier

24. If you're the Comedian, the former almost rape victim will forgive you and will agree to have sex withyou and your mighty sperm will ensure pregnancy.

24) When having sex with the hot chick (hereinafter referred to as THC), do not bring in your identical twin, cousin, or clone to help with the action. THC might not be as into it as you think.

25. The hot chick almost had sexual feelings for the Comedian (whoops)

26. If in prison, do not pledge allegiance to the midget.

27. If you ask Rorschach for his autograph, he will ask "Do you want fries with that?" in a not-so-nice way.

28. Always keep a blindfold handy in case Dr. Manhattan has his smurf out again.

29. Some trolls believe that people dont know crap about the vietnam war

30. Don't mess with the Comedian

31. Only mess with the Comedian when he is old and in his pyjamas

32. Being the smartest in the world means dick to Dr.Manhattan

29. The smartest man in the world uses the dumbest computer password.

30. Don't eat a full meal before you teleport.

31. If you forget your watch at work....LEAVE IT.

32. Execute your master plan before you friends come to kick your ass. Wait until they actually kick your ass before telling them that it's TOO LATE to stop your plan by kicking your ass.

17. Time is relative, so I can list this as 17

33. Rape doesnt mean to "have sex by force" anymore (see "rape" scene where man beats girl up but has no sex), it just means to beat someone up (see "Chris Brown" or to "Chris Brown a hoe")

34. Rorschach has real deep morals that he cannot compromise even in the face of armageddon (he can't even tell a lie), but he can break someones fingers to find out if they did/know something or not, and he can hatchet people in the head

35. Doc Manhattan can control all matter. He can turn a napkin into a diamond, but he cannot turn a blown-up human body back into a non blown-up body

36. Doc Manhattan can't be everywhere at once, however, he can be in multiple places at once, so theoretically he can multiply himself non stop until he is in as many places as he needs to be, but he doesnt feel like it.

37. You don't need super powers to punch through brick walls or kick 50 peoples asses back to back (see "this movie is about superheroes that dont have any powers")

38. Apparently some people watch the watchmen, others just stare at a penis.

39. Bad news Bears still get work after having made it to Japan.

40. Max Headroom has cancer. You can tell by his melting elf ears.

41. Graphic novels and idiotic Hollywood music supervisors don't mix well. (From the priview--Pumpkins old 'Batman and Robin' song, kinda cool, made the film look way cool, to the music choices in the film itself, holding back vomit.)

42. Burning buildings with screaming children will await any sexually dysfunctial, semi-retired crime fighters in order to help them consumate their long ignored love for eachother....for a really loooooooooooooooong sexual encounter.

43. Dr. Manhatten will remember, at the last second, to create an oxygen bubble for his love on Mars, as she would require, but fails to, upon relocation into a recent nuclear wasteland, create any kind of protection, which of course she apparently does not need....Fallout is non-existant, I guess it has something to do with Manhattan's magic wand....or Nixon's playdoh face.

44. Alan Moore is on board with, but continually removes his name from, any of his G.N. ispired films. But 'From Hell' is still a giant piece of *beep*

45. Dr. Manhattan probably spends every second remembering to make it look bigger.

46. Alan Moore thinks his *beep* doesnt stink.

47. Bernie and Bernie would actually make a cute couple.

48. The only way for someone like Nixon to stay in office is for everyone else to be shot by a guy with a smiley face pin.

49. Nixon + extra terms = END OF THE WORLD!

50. It's okay if you kill countless people if you've got "good intentions". You'll be forgiven.

51. He's not locked in with THEM. They're locked in with HIM.

52. Hurm.

53. Seeing is overrated, so long as you have a cool, shape changing mask.

54. Hollywood won't allow superheroes to smoke.

55. Blue penis envy is rife since the movie.

56. 80's music was kinda cool, but doesn't always work in movies.

57. Never try to work and feel-up your girlfriend at the same time, she'll only get upset.

58. Punch Captain Axis with your LEFT fist.

59. Ozymandias should start the Ozyman-Boy Love Association.

60. After jumping off the Owlship, punch a woman first to show that you mean business.

61. It's all a joke.

62. Don't hold a glass if Rorschach is looking at you.

63. Ignore notes left in the fridge. Maybe they won't do anything.

64. If you get dumped, leave Earth for a planet that doesn't share the name of your ex.

65. Oil tycoons should be action figures marketed as villains.

66. Be an equal opportunity destroyer and blow up pieces of every country.

67. Never trust Rorschach with your dog.

68. Having the ability to see your past, present, and future apparently has no effect when you step onto a Talk Show set.

69. It's perfectly safe for 40's and 50's reporters to sneak in a close-up shot just as Nite Owl I or Classic Comedian is apprehending their perps- as the criminals' firearms are discharging inches away.

70. Apparently the Jupiter "TOTALLY VOLUPTUOUS PLAYMATE" gene skips a generation.

71. It's perfectly fine to have a faithful adaption and put in every key phrase and dialogue- only to skip out on the last scene and most RELEVANT QUOTE IN THE WHOLE GRAPHIC NOVEL.

72. Rorschach's M.O. is to investigate and then use deductive reasoning in order to systematically track his opposition down, corner them, and possibly maim/torture/kill them. Night Owl's M.O. is to use his technology and moral code to uphold the law and save people rather than punish them. The Comedian's M.O. is to earn his paycheck as bloodily as he can. Hooded Justice's M.O. is to walk in on a rape sequence, stare for a few critical seconds, scream "YOU BASTARD!" then proceed to beat someone until they utter an absurd phrase which he will actually stop mid-beating to think on.

73. Nixon can be president again before the 30th century when he is just a head in a jar.

73. Beans cause impotence. Or madness. Or mad impotence. Or fuel Archie's flamethrower.

74. When you leave your home at a govt. compound on an angry impulse, be sure to pack your skin-tight lycra-spandex sex-bomb outfit when you go to visit that dork you used to know 10 years ago.

75. Owls can't fly in the snow. Except Snow Owls. Um, nevermind.

76. If you're gonna get "large", be sure you do it outside, so you don't break the glass ceiling, uh...oops!

77. When cleaning up a crime scene, overlook a bright yellow button in the middle of the blood pool. It's meaningless.

78. If by some chance you're in a cafeteria and happen to end up next in line to a masked man with moving black and white shapes on his face, by all means make snide remarks at him. I'm pretty sure he will just laugh it off and walk away.

79. If a psychopathic killer is following you, the best way of escaping is by hiding in a small enclosed area with only one exit (such as a bathroom).

80. A TV remote could stop Dr. Manhattan from evaporating you.

81. Stay away from the deep fryer.

82. If someone is sitting in a dark room perfectly still, facing the opposite way and staring at nothing in particular, by all means assume that this is normal and that there is nothing wrong with that person.

83. If you used to be a super hero or have super hero buddies, always keep your baked beans in a locked safe.

85. Keep your girlfriend away from your Owl Ship's control pannel.

87. Sally Jupiter is totally cool with attempted rape.

88. A lanky man who can't weigh any more than 135 pounds can easily and brutally pummel a 230+ pound linebacker-built former vigilante and launch him through a plate-glass window.

89. If you plan to shoot Ozymandias, just sneak up behind him and shoot him. DO NOT announce yourself and give him a chance to catch the bullet.

90. Zack Snyder probably lives his entire life in slow motion.

91. It's OK to break into your friend's home and eat his canned beans.

92. Nixon was president, but Tricky Dick was Jupiter's boyfriend.

93. Hooded Justice doesn't understand the meaning of "punchline".

94. The next time Night Owl kisses Silk Spectre it will be Judgement Day.

95. Clocks don't work on Mars.

96. Ambush interviews even work on people who can see the future.

97. When you've achieved god-like powers, you will find clothes to be meaningless. LET THE WORLD GAZE UPON THY BLUE SHLONG AND TREMBLE!

98. When you go crazy, you stop talking in complete sentences. Should know. Has happened.

99. The Watchmen are over because the nerdy, out of shape, has-been says so.

100. Who watches the Watchmen? Probably the same people who read The Watchmen...

101. It's worth seeing a bad super hero movie just for the fun of bashing it later.

102. A fanboy is always smarter than you.

103. Hot vigilante chicks don't get bruised or scarred and their hair is inflammable.

104. The tears of terrified children are a great aphrodisiac.

105. When someone ends up with god-like powers, it makes sense if he uses them to save America, but not an innocent vietnameze pregnant woman.

106. If you lose interest in the fate of all life on Earth, you should go to a dead planet and build a fragile, pointless gizmo. It's really more important. Also, you should still care about your ex-girlfriend because she is clearly a much better person than the other 6 billion schmucks. So remember: care about her, but not the world she lives in.

107. After taking the pointy end of a broken bottle to the face, be sure to emphasize that it was in fact your face that got sliced by screaming out, "My face!!" You never know who might've missed it.

108. After being teleported to Mars, the first thing you say after almost yodeling groceries should always be something to the effect of, "Wow, I'm on Mars!" Again, some people may have missed it.

109. After your crimefighting partner shoots a visibly pregnant woman who pregnantly announced to him her pregnant pregnancy upon entering the room and engaging in a spirited bit of discussion while pregnant, you should always remind him of the following - "She was pregnant."

110. Articles surpassing their intent (like 100 things you learned from Watchmen) will still need more work.

111. Don't fuck with short people.