User:Cyran/Johnny Fencejumpingbequick
“Look at those calves! They really are the size of a small goat!”
Who is Johnny Fencejumpingbequick?
Well, Johnny Fencejumpingbequick is the greatest fence jumper the world has ever seen. He has calves the size of a young goat. He is known for going back and forth over the border of Mexico and the United States over 20 times in one hour without being caught. It is reported that he is one of the only men who can kick almost as hard as Chuck Norris.
Johnny FJBQ has done many things, and jumped many fences/barriers/random objects. Here is a short moderate sized list of things Johnny FJBQ had jumped:
- The fences between Mexico and the U.S. (which you all knew)
- Your mom's thighs, but he didn't quite make it over them.
- Chuck Norris's penis, an extremely difficult task considering the size of Chuck's wanker.
- The Great Wall of China.
- The gap between China and Japan.
- The gap between your mom's thighs (easy since your mom's thighs don't have a gap).
- Godzilla's house
- Half of the Atlantic Ocean. He was tired that day so he made it halfway, and using his great leg strength, jumped off the water again.
- Every known kitten huffer, lined up in a row.
- All the woman Chuck Norris has slept with. He couldn't do it the first time over, but after a week of training, he was able to jump them all.
- Over the mushroom cloud the atomic-bomb left
- The Taj-Mahal. He had a cramp that day, and end up getting his ass stuck on the point at the top.
- Dolly Parton's chest area(while she was laying down).
- Mount Everest.
- Your grandmother's thighs. He almost didn't make it.
- The English Channel
- One end of Australia to the other.
- From Death Valley, Arizona, to Hoboken, New Jersey.
- Kroger's store to an airplane that was flying overhead.
- From 1999 to the year 2000. Nuff' said.
- Germany to Poland
- From where he was standing, to the nearest Denny's restaurant (he was in Switzerland at the time).
- From Neverland Ranch to Macaulay Culkin's house (though it was only next door).
In depth:Johnny FJBQ[edit | edit source]
There are many thing none of you know about Johnny FJBQ. First of all Johnny Fencejumpingbequick IS his real name. His mom was Maria Fencejumpingbequick III. His father however, is unknown. Because of his great leg power, some actually believe he is one of Chuck Norris's many children. This is false, a DNA test proved that he is not the father. Even though he made his reputation for jumping, Johnny FJBQ is an accomplished knife-fighter. Growing up in the slums of Mexico City, Johnny had to learn to defend himself at a young age. At the age of 6, he got in a knife fight with a teenager over a dead chicken. Johnny learned how to kill from that day forward. Actually, Johnny FJBQ has got in knife fights with many people you normally wouldn't think even OWNED knives.
People Johnny fought(up to this point in his life)
- George Clooney (win)
- Clint Eastwood (win)
- John Wayne (loss)
- John Wayne Gacy (win)
- That person he thought he saw while he was drunk (loss)
- Willy Wonka (win)
- George W. Bush (win. Bush stabbed himself after Johnny told him that he{Johnny} wasn't Johnny, and that he{George} was Johnny)
- Paris Hilton (tie. She was horny, and they had rough sex instead of fighting)
- Godzilla (loss)
- Speedy Gonzalez (tie, but only because Johnny was drunk)
- King Kong (win)
- The Magic School Bus (win)
- Rick James (win)
- Dan Rather (loss)
- Gargamel (win)
- The entire zombie crew from Michael Jackon's Thriller video (win)
- Everyone from New York City (win)
- Clancy the Hobo (loss)
Johnny Fencejumpingbequick has also made appearances in many video games. Most of the time, it's just a short moment where he is visible. Lets see if you can find Johnny FJBQ in these official screenshots from the Gameboy Advanced:
Notice:Johnny FJBQ was only a walk-on cast member, and never got to be part of the game-play.
Johnny FJBQ-Cyborg[edit | edit source]
Yes, Johnny FJBQ is in fact a cyborg. You see, long ago, Johnny was going for a jump over your mom's thighs and was immediately sucked down into them. He was frightened to see that, inside your mom's thighs, lived a race of hyper-intelligent dwarves. Upon impact, Johnny shattered his legs. Normally, this wouldn't happen, but the space inside your mom's thighs actually has more gravity than it should. The dwarves have lived for centuries in there, unable to get out. The battered Johnny seemed to need some help, so naturally, the kind-hearted dwarves help him. Noticing the relatively goat-sized calves he has, they conjure up an idea. When Johnny comes to his senses, he looks around the see all the dwarves staring at him. The leader, the one they refer to as The Mayor of the Lollipop Guild, explained the situation. Not angered, Johnny thanks them for improving his legs. Though it would take some getting used to, Johnny mastered his new legs. Johnny lifted up the entire colony of dwarves, and jumped out of your mom's thighs. The area they landed in is now known as Ireland.
Johnny FJBQ fights Godzilla[edit | edit source]
It is well known that Johnny FJBQ got into a knife fight with Godzilla. You may be wondering, Why?" Well, it's quite simple. One day, Johnny jumped over the gap between China and Japan. Landing in the Tokyo area, he noticed a large, green lizard attacking the city. In his ever-kindred spirit, he wanted to help. He pulled out his knife and stabbed Godzilla in the eye(he jumped). Outraged, Godzilla pulled out a knife of his own.
After several hours of combat, Johnny began to lose his agility. Godzilla swung hard his knife, connecting with Johnny's knife, causing him to fly off 600 feet in the distance. After that day, Johnny vowed to one day return and defeat Godzilla.
Where is he now?[edit | edit source]
Johnny Fencejumpingbequick now resides in a Verizon Cellular-Phone store somewhere in Wisconsin. He stills goes out and jumps/climbs, but he decided he should have a place he can call home. Recently, Johnny has been seen climbing Mount Everest, so you never know...Johnny could be coming to a fence near you!!