User:Coelispex/Peter Pantheism
In the beginning, there was a void. Into the void God thrust himself, and came out the other side. God is everything in existence on this side of the void, or as scientists have come to call voids, wormholes. This is known as Peter Pantheism.
“So that's why they called it the Big Bang.”
“I've never sucked a sweeter Peter in my life.”
“Peter, peter, peter, peter, peter? Why Peter?.”
“Peter, Peter, pumpkin eater, had a wife and liked to beat her.”
The Premise[edit | edit source]
God is an infinitely large, ever expanding penis, or Peter. This Peter, The Great Peter, is the sum of everything in existence.
The Questions[edit | edit source]
Why is God a Peter?
Imagine that you are one Higgs Boson in a normal man's penis. What? You don't know what a Higgs Boson is? Nevermind. Even though the scale is absurdly inaccurate, imagine you are one grain of sand on a beach. A really big beach. Or is a grain of sand in a beach? Again, nevermind. You are a grain of sand either on or in a beach. The beach is God. You are a part of God, and all of you is God. Even your own penis. Try using that as a pick-up line in a bar. Back to the question of why. God is a Peter because the void in the beginning needed something to penetrate it. Do not be confused. The void was not a black hole, it was a wormhole. Wormholes need worms, or Peters, or penises, to fill them up and travel through them. The void is/isn't a vagina (see: black hole). One guy tried to find out whether or not it was and his Higgs Bosons were annihilated when he was pulled inside by evil magic. He ran into another guy inside and asked him to help him find his flashlight so they could find their way out. The other guy said "Shit, help me find my keys and we'll drive my car out of here!"
Who is Peter?
Since the origin of myth and religion, it has been well understood that God is a dick. A really, really big dick. He was really hard on people when he was a young God, and many people felt his wrath. Let it be noted that he has gotten a bit softer in his old age. According to "The Premise", you and I are both just miniscule fragments of the great Peter. Now consider the amount of matter in the Universe and the amount you and I comprise of that whole, and it is easily understood that we are dick.
What is Peter?
Peter is everything. In Shakespeare's play Much Ado About Nothing, Bill the Bard beats the dead horse out of the pun "nothing" meaning literally "no-thing" or vagina. If a vagina is nothing, then a Peter is everything. <- Argument by syllogism, not to be confused with silly-jism.
When was Peter born?
What came first, the chicken or the egg? We all know that penises are required to make babies. Say there never was a penis. How could there ever be a baby? Therefore, the great Peter must have existed in the beginning, or there could be no universe.
Where did Peter come from?
In the Holy Bible, God, or Peter says, I am the Alpha and Omega, the Beginning and the End. Though this may seem like a paradox to some, given Peter Pantheism, it makes perfect sense. Peters come from the end, so The Great Peter also comes from the beginning.
How did Peter come to be?
The Overwhelming Scientific Evidence[edit | edit source]
A. The universe is expanding in every direction simultaneously, until it runs out of energy to do so, at which point, it is thought that it will collapse back on itself. 'Nuff said.
B. The Big Bang is generally accepted by scientists as the beginning of this period of expansion.
C. The Big Bang is thought to be the result of a singularity, or an instance of the numeral One. If you tilt your head sideways, note the striking similarity between the numeral One and a Penis.
The Philosophical Perspective[edit | edit source]
According to Platonic idealism, the "things" in existence are merely "accidents" which correspond to their "essences" in a non-existent place Plato escaped to in his imagination while Socrates was sticking his Peter between his legs. Essentially, there is one Peter, The Great Peter, and everything else is just an instance of that Peter.
Nietzsche believed in something called "Eternal Return". This entails that everything that is or even could be has already been. In the beginning there was dick, and in the end there will be dick. Thus, everything that is or could be is dick.
Nietzsche was once quoted as saying "God is Dead." What he really said was "God is D'Head," or DickHead.
Hobbes believed that a civilization (or world) without guidance would result in tyranny and chaos. If you are a man, or a woman with a penis, try urinating without guidance and see if all is not tyranny and chaos.
Rousseau defined man as a "noble savage," who was destined naturally to stand up straight and not fall down. Note what a penis does when prompted by nature.
Socrates was all about the dick. Just ask the impressionable youth of Athens.
A Theological Overview[edit | edit source]
All of the major religious texts of the world cleary show God being a dick at some point in time, and all claim that God is omnipresent. If God is everywhere, then God is everything. Therefore God must be a dick.
In Christianity, Saint Peter guards the gate to Heaven and keeps tabs on who gets in and who gets shunned and goes to Hell. Basically, Peter is Heaven's Bouncer. Bouncers are dicks. Saint Peter's Basilica looks like a giant head of a dick sticking out of the middle of Rome. Romans are dicks with dick-noses. There are many instances in The Holy Bible of The Great Peter, but due to the numerous translations and interpretations, they have become muddled, and God has been called many things. Paul, of Peter, Paul and Mary noted that "God is Love." This can be cross-referenced with the colloquial expression "Gimme some Love"- a common statement meaning roughly ~~"Let's Exchange Bodily Fluids"~~ to show that God, being Love, is in fact a sexual organ. Given that God cannot be nothing, or nil, then God cannot be a vagina. Therefore, God must be a penis, and given God's omnipresence, God must be The Great Peter.
Jews are obsessed with dicks. So much so that the major religious rites for males all involve the dick. If man is made in God's image, then God's major rites had to to with his dick. In The Torah, God is responsible for flooding the world because he is unhappy with the way that humans are acting. Some say that God was pissed off at the entirety of humanity for their transgressions, but it is more proper to say that the entire world was pissed on, for roughly forty days and forty nights. In another scene from the great novel embraced by the Jewish faith, God tells Abraham Lincoln to sacrifice his son Isaac Newton. When Honest Abe raises the knife on top of Mount Zion and is about ready to kill Ike Turner, God appears as a "ramrod" in a "bush" and distracts Abe from his task at hand. The ramrod is, no surprise, snagged in the "bush", and becomes the object of sacrifice instead of Isaac Brock (lead singer of Alt Rock band Modest Mouse.) Isaac goes on to sell many albums, including the smash hit for Messianic Jews, "Good News for Jews Who Love Bad News".
Krishna has six arms. The Hindu faith, though Polytheistic, now agrees that Pantheism is a much more rational way of viewing the creation/destruction/maintenance of the universe. This is due to the ridiculous amount of sex involved between all of the Gods, and although they are multiple in number, they all eventually coincide (or fornicate) at some point in time and space, therefore giving rise to the idea that all are one in the end anyways, and therefore all personae are merely instances of the idea of a "God" or The Great Peter.
For those who consider Buddhism a religion, the dick in their faces must be interfering with their ability to read the Dhyanas and Noble Eightfold Path. At the center of the Buddhist Philosophy, it is noted that the Path Less Traveled is the Middle Road, which much like the middle finger, must be at the center of all paths, and also therefore must be the straightest. Siddhartha Gautama, or El Sid, realized this while reading the Robert Frost poem "Good Fences Make Good Neighbors", an ode to the border treaty created between the United States and Mexico after the War of 1812.
Muslim dudes are just dicks, period.
Zeus and Odin both fucked a bunch of earth chicks, even when they weren't in the body of a man. How? They're all dick.
The Russian Reversal[edit | edit source]
Peter the Great, or The Great Peter was the first Emperor of Russia. Who pwns now bitches?
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The 1337 h8x0r Angle[edit | edit source]
More Wikipedia pages start with the word Peter than any other word. Given the law of averages, LCD, LCM, mean, median, mode, and all sorts of math problems dickface fucking math teachers ever made you learn, every Wikipedia page starts with Peter.