User:Cloud-Strife-Live/HowTo:Survive in the Bush

Surviving the bush has always been one of man's greatest fears. You've obviously come here because your either lost in the bush currently, lost in australia currently, or are going to go into the bush and get lost and need to survive. Why would you be going into the bush if it's man's greatest fear? Because you want to conquer your fears, and become a man. So, read on, adventurer.

Ah, the lovely bush..wait, sorry, wrong picture.

Equipment

It's always good to start with one of these lists. Well, thank your lazy ass that we've got it covered for you. What you will need:

• Clothes, preferably office clothing. It will make you easier to spot from a rescue helicopter, because they'll be looking for a retard, not just 1/200 lost bushman.
• Money. Many fast-food chains now realise that the bush is a great oppurtunity for some bussines from distressed, cash-loaded, bush goers.
• Insect Attractor. You definatley want to befriend the local residents, so bring lots of this.
• a bed. in the past, bushgoers would settle for a sleeping bag, but why do that when you can have your own bed with you? it only takes up 1.0 more grams then a sleeping bag, and you save alot more space!
  
• Map and Compass. These will be your best friend, and your wife, just slightly more attractive then the latter. Pointless if you dont know how to use them, so there is a section on how to use them later on in this book!

Now, what NOT to bring with you.

• Water. This useless, tasteless liquid wont help you if your lost. it will only weigh you down, so leave it behind.
• Weapons of any kind. I don't care if you think some sort of serial killing rapeist is out there. It's not like anyones ever been killed in the bush, killers have better things to do then scour the bushland looking for people to abduct and rape. No weapons, no exceptions. No, not even for self protection against bears or dingoes. They don't exsist, damn you and your conspiricies.
• Everything else.

Now that you know the basics of your equipment, you need to know how to pack your hike bag. It's simple- Just remember C.O.L.D.
Check Straps, Open Bag, Light items on the bottom, Do your straps up and put the pack on.
Step L is important becausesome people tell you, "heavy items on the bottom". Dont listen to them. They just want you to have the inconvenience of having a comfortable bush experience when you come across hills and mountains to climb. Well, they won't have big muscles will they! they won't have as much as a resilience to broken bones as you! So, don't put heavy items on the bottom. Oh, and putting your pack on is important too.

Essential Item.

Know the various functions of your hike pack:

• Tension Straps the looser these are, the lighter the load feels. Don't try this with tight tension straps, because it may feel like the load is lighter but trust us- it's not.
• Whistle useless. utterly useless. As if, anyones going to hear your whistle and come get you if your lost.
• Waist Strap keeps the pack on you. If climbing up hills is too hard, make sure to try with it loose. your chest strap will keep the pack on, so don't worry!
• Grounding Material apparently it can "earth" you during a thunderstorm and therefore not get hurt if you get struck by lightning but..I once knew a guy and...

Navigation

Your going to want to be able to navigate the bush to be able to not get lost (on purpose anyway.) There are 2 easy tools for doing so. the map and the compass. I'll explain first, about the map. Using a map is so complicated, so mentally demanding that you might think you know how to use it, but then you find out you don't. so..

MAPS
A Map is a tool you use to give you info. to get this info, you need 2 things: Where you are. Where you want to go. Ah, make that 3. Where you will go on your way to where you want to go. Before setting out on your bushwalk/hike, thinkof a route. why do this before? because you will get lost. it will/might be raining. you will be scared. you will stuff up because you are incompetetant. and all the rain is making it worse, so you are completly failing. but, since you did all your prep the night before, guess who's laughing now, mother nature!! When using a map to make your travel plans, there are little numbers called GRID REFERENCES. these number are useless to you, but they can help other people find you (if you want to be found that is). Simply find where you are, make sure your map is "Oriented" by using your compas, and wherever it says North is, face the top of the map the opposite direction to this! (South is north on your map.) this will ensure that you will counter the effects of a secret force known as "Map/Earth Syndrome" where everything becomes reversed (except for on opposite day, where everything because right meaning that- oh screw it). When your map is oriental flavoured, er, oriented, you can get an accurate location of where you are. simply read the numbers on the sides. theres no real way to do this. yeah, you can be more precise by creating an individual imaginary grid in your grid reference on the map and then divide it into 10, then read it the same way as before and add these new numbers to your reference so it'll be something like 94084309 but that's alot more work and so therefore, not worth the effort of minimizing the area and therefore the time it will take searchers to find you. Another thing is about bearings. they are kinda helpful. They let you walk in a single direction and so you will know exactly where you are/should be at all times when you look at a map and calculate how far youve walked. but, again, who needs to know that? the fun is about getting lost!

COMPASS
Don't let anyone tell you that the compass never lies. it always does, and it always will. Compasses work by connecting via bluetooth to a MAGNETIC LINE, that runs across the earth's surface. While this line isn't visible to you, the compass sees all. The outside dial can be rotated for International Calls incase you get lost, so keep that in mind. Using a compass is fairly straight forward too...once I figure out how to use it, I'll tell you. Oh, wait, it's pretty easy. It always points West, that sounds about right. So, wherever your going, you'll always be facing a direction that could be west.

RADIO

See? the left is where you are,the right is the 99% of the bush you are not at.

You'll need a radio to call truckies incase your compass' cant dial internationally. While mainly you'll only hear absouloute shit, and your chance of actually being listented too (little own cared about) is pretty thin. Do ask a truckie to come pick you up, get your Grid Reference ready. Why? because, no matter how good you think your location describing skills are, you're forgetting about the other 99% of the bush that looks exactly like that. saying "uh, i see some trees...rocks...oh, insects!" isn't going to help you. Infact, the response from the truckies will mostly be "No Shit Sherlocke!" Once you say your grid reference, the truckies can come get you, if they can spend a few minutes/hours/days/years of their important careers looking for you. If not, consider changing your channel and trying again. There's something about those simplex and duplex functions, but, I'm pretty sure its just your preference of what quality you want your voice to sound like. Oh, and the Low Power function can send messages, but not recieve. pretty handy function right there.

When animals attack

Yes. It's not just a myth. animals attack hikers and bushmen on a regular basis, and you need to know what to do about it. Luckily, you have this handy book. You are going to learn the basics of defending yourself from the wildlife. The best ways of protection, and also, how to become a natural champion at Bear Wrestling. Note: I hope you brang weapons- what? what not to bring? oh, well I hope you brang them. if not, too late.

Self Defence Tactics

• Firearms
  • Load. Push end of weapon into the stomach area, not touching but about 2 cm away to allow for Recoil Pains.
  • Point weapon AT THE ENEMY, cannot stress this enough. Actually, apparently shotguns work better pointed at the shooter.
  • Fire!! Congratulations, you now have killed an animal, and are on the WWF's most wanted.

• Fighting

Honestly, if you need to fight a bee, it's not worth it. You don't just go out there trying to brawl every sucker that tries to bite you, harm you, or kill you. Research has confirmed that its 48% more effective to talk to the animal in it's native language then too fight it. However, Bears have no language (if your in Australia, Boxing Kangaroos have no language). Your going to have too challenge the bear/kangaroo to a fight. To do this, you must clearly show it the boundaries- Cheap shots are a definitive no go-. Then, you are going to have too find a way to motivate the animal- consider stealing the bear cub/joey, and effectively place it in a nearby tree. This, will agrivate the animal. Next, choose your stance. If the animal comes at you first, prepare to duck if it's a punch, you don't want to be knocked out first round. If it's a bite, you win by Disqualification, and get to keep the baby. (Some animals will react more violently after this action, for some reason.) If not, keep fighting. The bear is more scared of you then you are of it- but don't show that fear. Don't give the animal something to use, it might start playing mind games. If you find yourself in a Suplex hold, consider gouging the eyes of the enemy, if possible. Sometimes your arms will be stretchy, other times it wont be. if you yourself find you are giving a bear a suplex, make sure to protect your eyes. After you win, check for blood or brain particles on your clothing or face. if there are some, you are looking at a very short expedition. If there are none, you could consider roasting that baby we mentioned about.

When Sleeping

Your asleep in your tent. Suddenly, crunch. leaves outside are crackling from footsteps. What do you do? Is it a home invasion? no-you have nothing valuable on you! (and, your in the bush-what idiot wastes their time performing Home Invasions when your in a tent.) It my friends, is a pack of Wild dogs! (or dingoes, for australia.) What do you do! soon your precious insides will be fodder for dogs. Well, if you had only done these things before going to sleep;

• Ensure all food containers, and food scraps, are left unburied and next to the tent to attract so many dogs they'll [hopefully] start fighting eachother, effectively killing eachother off. Though your still faced with a problem of one more.
• Blow your dog whistle before going to sleep, so that the dogs know where not to go.
• Howl at the night sky, some dogs/dingoes do respond to this. (no seriously. im not kidding.)
• Allow sufficient room in your tent for the dogs to sleep with you.
• Wear a balogne scented deodeorant, so that the dogs can get an idea that you are infact a slab of meat, not a human, and therefore unimportant.

Most of these tactics will work for any animals, with the exception of the dog whistle and the howling. It's perfect for baiting animals to join your journey, or to simply trap them and eat them.

When Awake

If your awake and being attacked, well, obviously your kind of special. Because you should've ran away. JUST KIDDING. that's the worst thing you can do, run away. You need to be a man, and face the wildlife kingdom for what it is. A bunch of cowards!