User:Chompy/Toucan Sam
“That damn bird owes me an acre.”
“Sam, suck on my chocolate-flavored sugary spheroids!”
“In Soviet Russia, Sam Toucans YOU!!”
Toucan Sam was a bird: a toucan bird to be precise. Coming into being in the mid-twentith century in the nestling hold of a bulldozer's mouth and born into much hardship, his mother and father were brutally murdered by Sonny the Cock and his gang of malicious Cuckoos. After a couple days, he was discovered and raised by a herd of rainforest lumberers. They taught him the ways of capitalism, money, and low-fat fruit cocktail. Yay!
Endorsements[edit | edit source]
Sam was rushed by the age of five into the world of commercial whoredom. His first commercials were for the endorsing of strawberry-flavored dissolvable plastic condoms. The lumberers did not approve of this in the slight, so they opted for Flinstone-shaped abortion pills instead. Luckily they chose the right market in time, for the Roe v. Wade decision had occured and the "pill" market had skyrocketed. Soon billions of teenage sluts were clammering for CHUD pills, and Toucan Sam became richer than his wildest dreams. But it eventually came to an end, and he had to look for other shameful sponsorships.
Kelloggs Explodes[edit | edit source]
Right when he was about to seal the endorsement deal of his life, the Kelloggs cereal building exploded and the last dying words of that annoying rooster on the Corn Flakes box were uttered: "BA-GAWK!" With nowhere else to go, he was immediately thrown into the drug and underage sex dealer ship near I-95. A few years later, he was dealing heroin and Fruity Pebbles. He was then caught in a sting by Sonny the Cock, who joined the Ohio Police force in '95.
Sam Escapes[edit | edit source]
After being sentenced in court to 10 years in prison with Trent Reznor, Sam became enraged with anger and bit one of the bailiff's arms off. He was sentenced then to 25 years in prison with Sean Hayes. He became, a few months later, the leader of the prisoners and led a riot against the guards. The guards were easily defeated with rape and endless amounts of man-milk. Sam and his posse of other cereal-bastards fled from the prison through the hole created by one of Tony's massive farts (those flakes will make you gassy as hell).
Where is he now?[edit | edit source]
Sam is now being de-toxed in the Sarah Chevy Clinic and will possibly be out during the year 2078. His years of whoring himself out to commercials and abortion pills will soon catch up to him in the end. For now, he just waits for his release back into the wild, to kill those son-of-a-bitch nephews of his for spending all his coke money.