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Jack Brioche Bruschetta Whitehall (born 7 July 1988) is an annoying posh twat who attempts observational comedy most of which he gets his butler to write. His Stand-Up routine includes once seeing a branch of Burger King and claiming he frequently travels on budget airlines. However, in an interview in 2010 he was quoted as saying "I got the idea for that sketch when I saw a Ryanair plane takeoff. I was boarding a British Airways Flight to Budapest, first Class of course. I would never actually fly on any of the gastly budget airlines, I don't fly cattle class".
He is only known for his TV programmes by the upper class. His shows are banned in poorer parts of the country for fear of them sparking riots on a massive scale. He's also famous for starring as "Qunt Hooks" in the TV series "Poor You", and as "Ucking Ickhead" in the TV series "Private Education" which he also co-wrote.
As of 2012, he is a regular panellist on the game show "Can I Help You" . He also hosts "I'll Jolly Well Backchat if I Want To Daddy" (2013 TV series) with his father, Lord Bentley Poppycock Whitehall.
Hobbies and Interests[edit | edit source]
To relax and unwind Whitehall enjoys shooting defenceless animals in the face at point blank range and/or bludgeoning the animal to death. As is posh custom, he then likes to place the dead animal on his head and wear it as a hat until it decomposes to a point that the stench becomes unbearable. At this point, he cuts the tale off the animal and sticks it onto another hat so he can sell it to another posh moron with more money than sense. Of course, Whitehall doesn't need this extra money as he is already very rich but as he doesn't need a real job it gives him something to do other than being a complete drain on society.
Whitehall also enjoys trying a wide variety of posh moronic and absurdly named food, these include; Mochaccino (Drinking Chocolate), Dainty Dollops (Chocolate Buttons), Gnocchi (Dumplings), Tzatziki (Yoghurt) and many, many, many more.
Early Life and Education[edit | edit source]
Jack Whitehall was born on 7 July 1988 in the toilets at Waitrose City of Westminster in central London, the first child of some posh bharch Hilary Bippity Boppity Boo Whitehall and the television producer Michael Bentley Poppycock Whitehall. His father was an agent for Judi Stench, Colin Filth and Richard Bigtits, and wrote the memoir Shark-Infested Champenoise. Whitehall has a sister, Molly I Do Love Ponies Rather (born 1989), and a brother, Barnaby Bare With William (born 1992). He had two godfathers— Edwina Currie and the late Margaret Thatcher, both qunts.
He attended The Royal School for Overprivileged Little Pricks in Barnes, west Briocheshire, where he was a prick with Twilight Saga star Robert Pattinson. He has made jokes about this, but they're not worth mentioning. Whitehall has also mentioned in an interview how he auditioned for the role of Harry Potter but was in the end cast as Stupid Tosser, he only got this role because of his dads connections, being himself devoid of any talent. He went on to attend the Stale Brioche School in Bruschettashire and then As I Call It College, an independent school in Chablaishire.
Whitehall took a gap year where he decided to pursue a career in tax evasion. He attended the University of Manchester for two terms only, to study History of Tax Evasion.
He has stated that his tax evading hero is David Cameron, having briefly met him as a teenager.
Personal Life[edit | edit source]
Since 2011, Whitehall has been in a relationship with a packet of sliced ham.
Career[edit | edit source]
Television and Radio Career
In 1997 Whitehall then aged nine appeared in the series Noah's Arse. In June 2008, Whitehall presented the first week of How are you? Wonderful How are You? on E4, returning in August to host the twelfth week. In September and November, Whitehall made his fist appear on Channel 4 News.
In January 2009, he touched himself on Celebrity Big Brother, followed on 5 June by a turd. In June 2009 Whitehall co-hosted the vegetable competition with Lady Tottington in the Cotswolds. In August, he appeared on Charlie Brooker's Channel 4 panel show You Have Been Wanking, followed in September by the first series of his own show Talk to the Butler which was co-written by George Osborne.
In April 2010, he featured on Channel 4's Come Along, a benefit show held in aid Kensington Home For Rather Well Off Eccentrics, which had been filmed live at Kensington Palace in March. Whitehall was a regular pain in the arse on the first series of Channel 4's Stand Up for Anal alongside a plate of brioche and a pig. In October, he appeared on an episode of Sorry for Backchatting Father, and he honoured himself and Donald Duck on the Channel 4 show Lets Give Ourselves Awards. In October, he watched the second episode a Top Gear Repeat on Dave
In February 2014, Whitehall drove his Jag through the side of the Top Gear hangar killing James Corden and two others, having only driven a car once before. He got his chauffeur to drive round the TG test track for him. In 2015, he starred as posh backpacker and personal friend Ben Fogle in "How to Survive Without Brioche", filmed of Outside of the M25.
On 24 October 2014, Whitehall was the host of the Touching Myself Movement's inaugural event called Touching Myself Night on Channel 4, raising awareness of masturbation