User:CJHavoc/Apocalyptica
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Apocalyptica are a Finnish band consisting of four guys who play heavy metal on their cellos. The sound created is not unlike that of angry bees murdering small children - which of course is very trve and moderately kvlt.
History of the Band[edit | edit source]
Apocalyptica was formed in secret around the time of the last Ice Age, when two guys saw another two guys plucking at the intestines of the animals they caught to eat, which made a delightful sound. Thus the original members of Apocalyptica invented the first cello. These four formed the secret cabal we know of today as the hard-riffing (or "slicing" as it's called by them) source of jaw-slacking music. In their early days, they wished to remain secret as their music was too amazing for the surrounding Neanderthal tribes - not to mention playing around with fox innards was distasteful to the refined tribes-people.
After discovering wood to place the animal intestines upon in 1642, their sound grew significantly more robust and the cello became popular to play. The little known sect of Apocalyptica worshippers learned from the Four and in turn tought the mystikal art of cello to others within the sect. Any sectarians teaching to heathens died under mysterious circumstances or simply went "missing." Even though the instrument - and indeed the Four - continued to grow in stature and popularity, the cult of Apocalyptica remained anonymous. Eventually however the sheer demand of cello players and teachers put significant strain on the cult, causing it to dissolve around the year 1788.
In 1923, the Four - now bored from simply being a retired cult - found a new persuit. The persuit of God. God in the form of Metallica, who had just surfaced from their 1000 year sleep to return badass metal to the world. Sadly, their recent incarnations were still re-learning their instruments and they hadn't even met yet. The Four waited for their reformation patiently and were rewarded when, in 1968, Metallica kicked, screamed, spat, and raped at the world. Following their divine path, the Four sought to capture the essence of their Gods through the holy and sacred art of "cover songs" with great vigour. The resulting music stopped time for an instant, where even the Nothing that Everything was created from took brief notice. Or it would have, if it had the facilites to do this.