User:Bernard
Bernard
A Bernard (AKA Bernhardt, Bernie, BURN!!!1 and The One) is someone who is extremely good looking and can often be found in the suburbs of Kewdale, Cloverdale, Vic park, Surfers and all around Perth and the Gold Coast when they are on the move. Do not look in the direction of their faces or you will surely be mesmorised and feel self-conscious for the rest of your life. Bernards are also notorious for having several females hanging off them at once, hence the ripped arms and the washboard abs. A Bernard is someone who is loyal to there fellow Bernards and follows a strict set of rules. These rules are as follows
1. Do not talk about Bernard.
2. Do not talk about Bernard.
3. Must put your life on the line to save any other Bernard in trouble.
4. Know the answer to the meaning of life.
5. Must be able to recite all the words in the Spongebob Squarepants movie.
6. Must know the Ber Boy handshake without being told.
7. When one Bernard knows something, all Bernard's know immediately.
Origins
Bernard was born in the boot of a blue WRX owned by a non believer who was racing for Subaru in the V8 super car series in 2008. Luckily the driver was half man and half octopus and managed to deliver the baby. The parents of Bernard are not known but people have said that the mother is a Canadian Club can and the father is either a Cigar or a Heineken carton. The name Bernard was chosen for this young fellow because his non biological father was wearing two different pairs of shoes, one owned by his best mate from BERlin and the other owned by Raphael NARDal.
Growing up
It took a while for Bernard to realise he was a Bernard even though his name was Bernard, growing up a confused young bottle. Known by four names it took a while to adjust. Other names include Jesse, Jake, Jared and even Bryn which, is not even a real name. Bernard was sent to boarding school at Kewpark Grammar where he was teased by the other kids because he drove a Eunos. As a child Bernard was compared to icons such as Chuck Norris, Vin Diesel, Chris Judd, Kelly Slater, Lebron James, Michael Phelps and Rodney Mullen. Bernard has excelled in everything he has done in life except for Geography class which he failed miserably and was forced to study viticulture with all of the other bitch arses who failed. School life was quick and he breezed through every year with two birthdays in March and two birthdays in June. Ber 'the Ber Boy' nard was known as the party boy from years 10 to 19 cranking dat soulja boy every weekend.
Growing up in boarding school Bernard was extremely bored and created unicycling. He later began a rebellious gang called the One Wheel Bandits. The Bandits were a unicycle gang who used to bash skaters and BMX riders for wasting wheels. The police outlawed the gang in 2008.6 and Bernard was forced to 20 hours of community service under the power of Van Heusen. The gang still exists today but is now called One Wheel Australia, due to the teasing of the original name (One Wheel Butt Bandits, One Whore of butts... etc.) One Wheel Australia now competes with the Bikie gangs of Western Australia as the crime powerhouses. OWA can often be seen bombed up on trains, bins, buses, the whole of Dunsborough and any surface with a good 'flow'.
Life In DunsBERough
DunsBERough is a meaningful place for Bernard who can often be found sitting outside the shopping center drinking choc milk and looking at the girls looking at him. Bernard found DunsBERough as a place to unwind and have a gander around but also a great place for him to show off his skills. The locals quickly accepted him and being the best looking person anyone had ever seen, he became the face of DunsBERough. Some say he terrified locals by destroying letterboxes but there has been no actual proof of the incidence and remains a myth. Nobody actually knows where he lives in DunsBERough but legend has it that there is this hill which all Bernards skate down through day n nite, the popular Bernard skates hard in the day, and and and nite. Bernards superior balance enables the difficult task of manualing the entire length of the hill(approx 5.8km), then taking his personal escalator which the mayor of DunsBERough installed to ensure no damage is caused to his $1000 shoes walking up the 45 degree hill.
After putting so much good lookingness into society Bernard decided it was time to give something back to the people who warmed their hearts to him. This was the creation of the well known group, the Self Confidence Crew and has been featured in shows such as Home and Away and Bondi Rescue and have even been in the Olympics. The purpose of the SCC is to check out anyone who walks past but to make sure they see you. The concept is if they see a Bernard checking them out they will never have to be told they are beautiful again; the Bernard look is this powerful. The SCC is a non-profit organisaton which is run by volunteers of the Bernards.
When he isn't providing resources for the SCC Bernard can be found at beaches tanning, surfing, scurfing and being attractive. Beach goers and tourists will take a photo on first sight of the Bernand. Bernard can pick up multiple girls at once without even breaking a sweat and in 2008 was almost banned from every beach in the universe. The incident which occurred in February 2008 has been talked about by every lifeguard in the world. Bernard stepped onto the beach and noticed everything suddenly went quiet. This is because everyone's jaw dropped because of the beauty and sexuality radiating off every part of this body, if to much skin is shown then others are unable to function around him. Paramedics were sent in and it took 58 hours to pick each persons jaw up from 25km under the surface. Bernard was arrested and detained for questioning, using his one phone call to another Bernard to tell him that the bird is equal to or greater than the word. The courts ruled that Bernard must not show more than his face and hands in public or he would be sent to jail. However this sentence only lasted 32 seconds due to Bernard lifting up his sleeve to check the time. The judge ordered him to jail but overruled the decision a few seconds later when she actually looked at Bernards face.
Bernards Current Status
After starting and finishing all of the wars of the world, Bernard went into retirement at the ripe age of 18. He was recently spotted dating Miranda Kerr, Jennifer Hawkins, Jessica Alba, Megan Gale and married Rosemary who can cook. When interviewed, Bernard's women all stated that Bernard still needs more girls because he is too much man for five females and would need at least ten to fifteen to satisfy his needs. When asked about the statement made about Bernard from his partners, Bernard quickly denied the allegations and became defensive. He quoted "there's no way I'm like the guy they explained. I would need at least twenty to thirty girls. That really upsets me that they think that."
Recently Bernard built a house on the moon for his dedicated mother. An inside source has indicated that Bernard will be changing the name of the moon to something more comforting; 'Canadian Club'. These changes will be taking place by the year 2012 once it has been through world parliament.
When Bernard won the most renowned cooking show Master Chef he contracted Swine Flu while trying to save BERt Newton from eating another contestants poorly cooked meal. Bernard says he smelt the rotten pork from a mile away and needed to save this comical genius from eating it, even if it meant dying. He dived across ten tables, dislocated his jaw and swallowed the dish whole. As soon as the Swine Flu entered his system it was killed by the many ninjas hiding in his bloodstream.
Things You Might Not Know About Bernard
Bernard can juggle
Bernard can unicycle
Bernard can drift
Bernard can surf
Bernard can skate
Bernard can eat glass
Bernard can fix the RROD
Bernard can beat chuck norris in an arm wrestling match
Bernard can and will kill anyone that asks for some cigarettes
Bernard can edit uncyclopedia
Bernard can crip walk
Bernard can survive an atomic bomb
Bernard did invent the word Air Max
Bernard did beat Michael Jordan in a slam contest
Bernard CAN kiss through the phone
Bernard buys hectares of land for $10
Bernard doesn't own an Ipod, he owns Apple
Famous quotes
"Hook me up at the window Bernard"
- Bernard Jared
"You just went 200 slideways in the Datto?"
- Greg Datsun, another non-believer
"Dude you passed out at 200km/h while driving"
- Bernard Jesse
"I went swimminnnnnnnnnnnng"
- Bernard Jared
"Ohhhh I smell beautiful"
- Bernard Bryn
"Holy crap, there was like 500000 firefighters at Bernard's house... NO THERE WASN'T"
- Bernard Jake
"I'm on a boat"
- Bernard