User:Ayatollah Gurkhmeini/New England
New England The Royal Dominion of New England Goddamn Yankees | |||||
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| Motto: "Reveahse the Cuhse!" | |||||
| Anthem: "Goody Proctor is a WITCH!!" | |||||
| Capital & Largest City | Boston | ||||
| Official language(s) | New English | ||||
| Government | Constitutional Prepocracy | ||||
| Boston Brahmin | John Quincy Adams Cabot Lodge Winthrop XXVI | ||||
| National Hero(es) | Henry David Thoreau, Louisa May Alcott, John Adams, Gertrude Stein, and Ted Williams | ||||
| Declaration of Independence | October 27, 2004 | ||||
| Currency | Beans, lobstah, chowdah | ||||
| Religion | Puritanism, Witchcraft | ||||
| Area | 69,746 square lobstahs | ||||
- This article is about the region in the United States of America. For the failed attempt to reinvent the British Isles, see New England (UK).
New England is a region of the United States up in the northeast, near Nova Scotia and Newfieland. It comprises the states of Connecticut, Maine, Massachusetts, New Hampshire, Rhode Island, and Vermont. The only sizeable metropolitan areas are B'woastin, Hahtfuhd, and Prahvidence. The rest of the region is either pine forest or a green field full of granite and cowpies.
The region was inhabited by peace-loving indigenous peoples when English Pilgrims, fleeing Europe in order to establish a psychopathic theocracy in which they could make their cruel and inhuman breed of Christianity the state religion, arrived nearly four hundred years ago, at the beginning of the 17th century. In the 18th century, New England was one of the first North American British colonies to demonstrate ambitions of independence from the British Crown, although it would later oppose the War of 1812 between the United States and Great Britain and pretty much every war after that. Goddamn hippies. In the 19th century, it played a prominent role in the movement to abolish slavery in the United States, became a source of some of the first examples of American literature and philosophy, and showed the first signs of the effects of the Industrial Revolution in North America. It is now full of intellectuals and other smart people who don't belong in this here U.S. of A. and should be deported to France, where they belong. Lousy liberals.
A person from New England is referred to as a Traitor or a Yankee. This occurs despite the fact that all New Englanders hate the Yankees. In fact, "Yankees Suck!" is the state motto of Massachusetts. New England is also a part of the greater East Coast-West Coast-Canada "Blue States" region.
History[edit | edit source]
New England has long been inhabited by Algonquian-speaking native peoples, including the Abenaki, the Penobscot, the Wampanoag, and others. Before the arrival of Europeans in the region, the Western Abenakis mostly inhabited New Hampshire and Vermont, but also inhabited parts of Québec and western Maine. Their principal town was Norridgewock, in present-day Maine. The Penobscot were settled along the Penobscot River in Maine. The Wampanoag occupied southeastern Massachusetts, Rhode Island, and the islands of Martha's Vineyard and Nantucket. All three of these groups were promptly pwnt and slaughtered by Europeans as they arrived in the years following 1620.
In December 1620, a permanent settlement was established at present-day Plymouth, Massachusetts by the Pilgrims, English religious fanatics arriving via Holland who were fleeing persecution from sane, moderate religionists. The Massachusetts Bay Colony, which would come to dominate the area, was established at Boston in 1628, by the even more fanatical Puritan sect, who established a tyrannical theocracy that even Ayatollah Khomeini could envy; their tyrannical despot, John Winthrop, was the first prominent American psychopath. Banished from Massachusetts for advocating church-state separation and being against infant baptism, Roger Williams led a group south, and founded Prahvidence, Rhode Island in 1636. On March 3 of the same year, the Connecticut Colony was granted a charter, and established its own government. At this time, Vermont was yet unsettled, and the territories of New Hampshire and Maine were governed by Massachusetts.
In these early years, relationships between colonists and Native Americans alternated between skirmishes and all-out genocide. Six years after the bloodiest of these, the Pequot War, in 1643 the colonies of Massachusetts Bay, Plymouth, New Haven, and Connecticut joined together in a loose compact called the New England Confederation (officially "The United Colonies of New England"). The confederation was designed largely to coordinate mutual defense against inevitrable wars with and ethnic cleansing of the Injuns, the Dutch in the New Netherland colony to the west, the Spanish in the south, and the French in New France to the north, as well as to assist in the return of runaway slaves. So essentially, these guys set up the first unions in America largely so they could discriminate against non-Anglos, setting a persistent American precident.