User:Aplikethewatch/sandbox
THIS SANDBOX IS PRIVATE (only accessible by link) - Uncyclopedia
this is a personal brain dump because im bored, i mean no offence or harm or defamation towards anyone or anything
SQA[edit | edit source]
The SQA is a qualifications authority based in Scotland. One day on the 1st of April 1997, someone woke up with an idea that made them say “Eureka!” That idea, was the Scottish Qualification Authority. Who founded it you ask? Who knows mate, all you’ve got to know is your life depends on how well you can recite 12 quotes for your English essay on the day.
“Let’s be grateful for the SQA” said Confucius after smoking a 3.5
The qualifications of the SQA[edit | edit source]
National 5[edit | edit source]
Formerly known as standard grade or O-grade if your fucking ancient. National 5 is the sleek shiny one of the three (National 5 makes O-grade look like a heroin addict). At National 5 it’s mandatory to take both English and Math. Both subjects aren’t hard if you have more than 50 brain cells and with a bit of revision you can easily secure a passing grade, especially for maths, almost all students have used national5mathematics.co.uk and for good reason, because fuck me it saved my national 5 grade.
By the end of your exams in June you’ll be sitting around till August, getting pished everyday hoping that day never comes. But fuck me, when it comes and that postman that wears shorts when its -4 Celsius outside slips that little beauty of an envelope through your door the only thing you can do is shit yourself and say “fuck me, I really should’ve just revised” as your still recovering from a hangover from that river sesh the day before.
Some notable National 5 subjects include (add if I’ve missed some):
- Practical cookery (people actually study this, what the fuck?)
- History
- Chemistry (Jesse we need to cook)
- Biology (*yawns*)
- English
- Mathematics
- Dance (why is my tax money going towards this?)
Higher[edit | edit source]
Formerly known as Higher (bit boring like?) and has been that way since 1888. It’s the definition of hell on Earth and it’s nowhere near as easy as National 5. Imagine someone teaching you how to fix a flat tire on a car and then telling you to go fix an airplane, that’s higher for you and here’s the cherry on top, your highers literally dictate your life. So you cannot fuck it up. Compared to National 5 you only need to take 5 highers instead of national 5’s 6 (or 8 if your unlucky).
“But random guy on Uncyclopedia ranting about the SQA, what if you just pull your finger out your arse and actually revise?” You may say while you giggle at yourself away reading this because it’s stupendously relatable.
Some notable Higher subjects include:
- Human biology (Biology, but its all about sex, hmm not bad!)
- Maths (duh)
- English
- British sign language (time to stop paying taxes)
- Psychology
- Physical education
- French (to show off at the dinner table at Christmas because you can say “je jouer au foot avec mes amis”)
Now, higher isn’t really that hard (literally contradicted myself but hey-ho) as someone who’s done it and been through it, if you really put some quality time and effort in studying, you really don’t have a reason to not achieve a passing grade as clearly stated here by Sun Tzu in his book, the art of war. “To pass higher, you really only need a few red bulls, a raging nicotine addiction and quizlet plus” said Sun Tzu after achieving 5A’s and an unconditional to study philosophy at the university of St. Andrews, good on you pal!
Advanced Higher[edit | edit source]
So you’ve made it to the end of your schooling career (or as the woke ones like to say ‘matrix’ (not an advanced higher maths pun calm down you)) S6 is probably the best year of your school years so enjoy it. That dosen’t mean you go ahead and bomb your grades (unless you’ve got an unconditional for your uni, then go wild pal you deserve it) but for the rest of yous it means turning 17 (driving time whoo!) and studying (booo!). Advanced higher is where you really realise what you want to waste the rest of your life working/doing. And you better hope you chose the right path and you enjoy it because if you don't, my condolences.
SQA invigilators and dark days….[edit | edit source]
The Invigilators[edit | edit source]
On the SQA contract it must say “invigilators over the age of 70 ONLY” Sometimes, they even fall asleep. At that point, what is the point in having an invigilator sit there, the invigilator is there to prevent cheating, not to doze off, now I really regret not taking my phone into that one exam!
SQA invigilator boot camp[edit | edit source]
The aforementioned above, the SQA coat of arms is worn by every SQA invigilator. The older you are, the more experienced you are. As of 2024, the SQA offer a boot camp to invigilators, where normal people like you and I go in as citizens, and come out as trained killers. Ready to be called at moments notice for our beloved SQA. The motto, “non dormies” meaning “don't sleep” in Latin. As of today, the SQA have around 3500 invigilators on standby, ready to be called up at a moments notice for the exam seasons.
Usually, invigilators will read out a piece of paper with the same nonsense, it goes somewhat like this; “You must now undertake a final check to make sure you have no prohibited items on you”. Usually you have that one kid who actually forgot to put their phone anywhere but their pocket, so then there’s an awkward 2 minutes of trying to figure out what the fucks happening, the worst part is the invigilators move at 0.5x speed. It’s as if they’re on slow-motion video, Jesus SQA we really need to include speed training in the bootcamp! After that basic announcement is made your sat there for 10 minutes trying not to lock eyes with your pal as he/she keeps turning around at you.
The 2021 exam scandal disaster[edit | edit source]
Also known as ‘the black day’ in SQA history and is most likely the downfall of our beloved qualifications authority. In 2021 the second coming of Christ (or some Donny from Glasgow who knows) somehow by some miracle managed to leak the exam papers. The SQA was scrambling as they did not know what to do. Rumour has it, war broke out in the SQA building, in total 3 people were injured by flying staplers. Higher pass rates increased from 70% of candidates passing to a staggering 85% talk about improvement! In reality this mystery person was never caught, and as so I believe this person was sent by the SQA gods to reward the 2021 candidates for handling a rough year with Covid, our prayers were answered.
As of 2024, people still hope for this mystery man to descend from heaven as he did in 2021 and supply the nation we call Scotland with some well needed exam papers, they even made it a religion called SQA christianity, it’s pope is the current CEO of the SQA.
Winter diet disaster of 2002[edit | edit source]
If you thought the 2021 exam scandal was bad, think again. The winter diet disaster of 2002 was worse, I’m not sure who at the SQA assumed that having an exam season when everyone’s depressed due to winter and everyone’s ill is a great idea! Another “Eureka!” Moment at the SQA (there aren’t many don’t get too excited) attendance was almost as bad your sperm count in your late 80’s (yikes!) in turn, the exams were cancelled and a summer diet took place as normal, phew, that was a close call.
Exam season[edit | edit source]
“But random guy on Wikipedia, what’s exam season?” You may say as you scratch your head. Well exam season as it’s commonly known as is when your on study leave for 1 month and a half between April 20th - June 1st. Coincidentally during these months the weather suddenly decides to get better and suddenly a river drinking sesh seems much more appealing than learning your quotes for all quiet on the western front, its assumed this is a trick by the SQA as they do indeed control the weather, this is done to see if you really are the true drinker you say you are, nice one SQA! (No one cares that it takes you half a bottle of vodka to make you drunk, go apologise to your liver)
Usually students finish early with a week to spare and go on holiday if your rich, or if your like the rest of us… just say fuck it, exams are done, time to see how badly I can damage my liver within the span of 2-3 months, students like to go to festivals such as TRNSMT and Wireless, both very good options. The main thing is, you have fun and enjoy the time you have off for your hard work.
Results day[edit | edit source]
Results day usually always alternates between fuck knows 8th, 9th, 10th I’m losing track, but it’s always in August. Why have the SQA got to tease us for 3 months, I mean we finish our exams in May at latest and we don't get it back till 3 months later? Here’s the worst part, the papers are done marking by the end of June but they tease us for another month. SQA quit the foreplay, lets just get to business!
Grades[edit | edit source]
The grading is as follows for the SQA results day
- 70% or above for an A
- 60%-70% for a B
- 50%-60% for a C
- 40%-50% for a D
- 0%-40% for an N/A
an N/A literally means ‘no award’ you never achieved any award in your life, the only award you’ve achieved is somehow being born even though your dad was wearing a condom.
Appeals[edit | edit source]
Oh no, you’ve fucked your exams (pretty common) feel like you didn’t deserve the grade you got, even though you walked out of the exam hall saying to your mates “guys I’ve defo failed that fr” you can do a little magic called ‘appealing’ basically the SQA have a double check over your paper to make sure the doofus who marked it didn’t add it up incorrectly (happens a bit more commonly than often, I mean come on, its the SQA.)
If by some miracle the doofus who marked your paper has counted your paper wrong, then you may grab yourself a mark or two, great may get yourself an A!
however life isn’t that great and there’s a chance the doofus who marked your paper has counted your paper wrong, then you may lose yourself a mark or two, great may get yourself an N/A!