User:Aineolach/comparison
Information Regarding the Proper Use and Care Of Your Mayoman[edit | edit source]
A Mayoman's hair should be treated daily in a solution of rainwater and compost to preserve colour. Their large penis' (they are large, very much bigger than the average Irish penis) need to be milked daily. It is recommended to comb their manes with a small camel-hair brush, whilst gently singing of ways to smite the British. While almost every Mayoman living in Mayo has brown or black hair, a disproportionate number of American mayomen have red hair, due to improper solar exposure. Skin may be bleached if desired, fear not, your Mayoman will greatly enjoy this experience, and those adorable freckles will never disappear.
CAUTION: It is still highly recommended to store your mayoman in a cool, moist space, and DO NOT EXPOSE TO SUNLIGHT. If exposed to sunlight, very bright red discoloration is normal. Bathe in a solution of aloe vera and vitamin E for several weeks before returning to normal activity. If your mayoman experiences trembling, loss of appetite and general unpleasantness, administer liberal amounts of Jameson's and/or Bulmers. When properly restored, your now inebriated mayoman will let you know he is healthy again by speaking to you in a secret Irish language composed of moans, grunts, nasal whines and guttural interjections. (see Gaelic)
WARNING: You should not use your Mayoman if you are in possession of a fertile womb. Improper use may cause severe multiple pregnancies. Consult your doctor before using an Mayoman. Prolonged exposure to an Mayoman may cause liver disease or advanced renal failure. Lesser side effects, such as morning irritability, 'Guinness-diahorrea', dizziness, vomiting and 'hairy hands' are common. Never combine an Mayoman with an Kerryman, may cause death. See a physician for more details.
FEEDING: To keep your mayoman alive and well hammered feed him a diet of 100% whiskey, 100% rum, and 100% any other alchoholic drink within a hundred mile radius (in ireland this would be any alchohol on the whole damn island). While this ratio may seem improbable and most likely in this universe impossible, your pre-hammered mayoman will see this as completely reasonable. As a treat most mayomen like to be fed green beer on St.Patricks day. Serve any and all alchohol to your irishman in a green dog-dish with a leprechaun on the front.