Uncyclopedine

Uncyclopedine as a Means of Improving the Human Condition

“To think outside the box, one must first know where the box is.”

~ Oscar Wilde

Un-cyclo-pee-dine, "Acyclic pee compound", with average image quality.

Experiencing a joyful, productive, and meaningful life is a basic need for every human being. Here, we propose Uncyclopedine, a novel medication freely available as a means of ensuring a life with high levels of well-being. We are committed to creating the easiest shortcut to happiness, and it is your satisfaction that we value most. Buy Uncyclopedine now!

Those who take the drug are often referred to as Uncyclopedians, who have seen significant symptom amelioration over the control group after a course of treatment (p=0.05).

Usage: 40 bytes per kg of body weight, BID. Take by eyes. Use with caution if allergic to any of the contents. Do not topically apply on sensitive or erogenous zones; do not use as enema; do not use to replace flour in gluten-free baking. This article is not intended as a legal advice or a clinical guideline. Please consult your healthcare provider before personal consumption of Uncyclopedine. Unless you have no health insurance, in which case we kindly redirect you to Fisher Price.

Indications

Uncyclopedine is used to treat post-menstrual symptoms; Priapismic erection disorder; illusions of free will and political correctness; existential angst; and conditions contracted by reading online health information.

Physical properties

Mostly white tablets, though new, colorful formulations targeting the young demographic also exist.

Usually has a bland taste, though occasionally pungent.

Emits the characteristic odor of spermine, albeit weaker than that of Urban Dictionary.

Active ingredients

Samples of Uncyclopedine is often impure due to instability toward heat, solvents, and public discourse. As a result, many components of the medication are poorly documented. Below is a few well-studied ingredients believed to contribute to the clinical uses of Uncyclopedine.

Random humor

Characterized by high degrees of carboxylation, random humor is a homogeneous cross-linked material. Based on the relative hydrophobicity, it can be classified into face-on-the-keyboard, brain-out-of-skull, and hand-on-the-penis subtypes. Although random humor has anti-inflammatory effects in vitro, it is found to induce complete immune system suppression in human testing.

Personal opinions

Personal opinions are prokaryotes bearing the L-stereoisomers of the corresponding Uncyclopedine enantiomers. Specialized phagocytic cells called censorshiphages chase the opinions down and engulf them. These cells isolate captured opinions inside phagolysosomes, and then destroy them with reactive oxygen species. Censorshiphages are estimated to destroy over 40% of personal opinions. Surprisingly, due to a special lipid-rich casing, some opinions are revealed to survive the chemical attack inside the censorshiphages, often radicalizing themselves in the process. With the information flow around the Internet, they eventually break free, relocate, and congregate in places safe from censorshiphages. These strains of opinions are further selected toward stronger censorship resistance.

Rant

A duel between two editors in action. Note the fighter's grin.

“LOL Uncyclopedine ghei donkey dick mentally incapacitated double-anus collard greens oh boy u broad spectrum macrodickhead cow emesis u suck i'll burn you down in the lavatory”

~ 79.56.15.49

Rant is a homolog of random humor with diverse military uses. They have a great tendency to polymerize and lead to runaway reactions, so workers should always follow standard procedures, take precautions, and plan disposal in advance. Rant is traditionally synthesized through controlled in silico inter-esterification of random humor and personal opinions in concentrated moronic acid; however, novel dildo-based catalysts are gaining traction in the industry as of 2022.

Adverse effects

Toxicity

Creating nonsense is associated with joyful sensations.^{[1][2][3][4][5][6][7][8][excessive citations]} However, after the orgasmic euphoria, a refractory period soon follows, harming the user's self-esteem when short-lived amusement escalates to a shame over laughing at sheer stupidity. Random humor has been described as an Internet-borne subviral particle spread in the fecal-oral route. When consumed, it travels to the brain, changes the conformation of certain proteins, promoting drug-seeking behaviors and compulsive production of senseless content, during which desensitization through dopamine bursts may eventually lead to addictions.

Boring bullet lists

Uncyclopedine produced from random humor is of inferior quality, with reduced therapeutic value and amplified adverse effects. A very serious complication is the compilation of long, dreary, and stale bullet lists, which are known as listomas. A listoma is a pathological aggregation of lack of creativity, contributing to aging and vandalistic stress. Over time, the listoma may develop intricate substructures like microtubules and reticulate formations, which further its role in the disruption of hormones and exacerbation of ischemia, eventually leading to necrosis, and death. Extensive studies have been performed on the cytotoxicity of Uncyclopedine, highlighting a higher listoma rate compared to the control group. Together with the high rate of malignancy and risk of metastasis, they are great threats to substance users of Uncyclopedine. Furthermore, a listoma puts the afflicted in a persistent state of systemic inflammation, making predisposed individuals vulnerable to the vandal amoeba, which infect the central nervous system in otherwise healthy Uncyclopedians and feed prolifically on the humorcytes.

Prospects

Uncyclopedine is derived from a suspension of information. Centrifuging the suspension and decanting yields a pellet, called a wikicake. For any fixed volume of info-suspension, the wikicake has been decreasing in mass and quality steadily over the past decade.

Being a good wiki editor (excluding sites like ED) is hard: to write good content they need to have deep understanding for a certain topic; to navigate the markup they need to surf the source code like a Hollywood hacker; to resolve conflicts peacefully they need good communication skills; to write good articles they need lots of shrooms and undisturbed free time.

The problem is, for the fraction of the population that fit the above criteria, most of these people don't spend much time editing wikis – they go on to achieve bigger things. Heck, if I had all these positive traits I'd be ambitious, and would be busy working to create value instead of taking frequent "breaks" during meetings! (Hey reviewer, is it okay if I use first person pronouns here?)

If good editors don't continually improve articles, who will edit and even "own" the articles? NOTHEREs from all across the scope, plus bots, plus corporate discourse.

Now, however, even the number of NOTHEREs seem to be declining. Well, it's Year 2024, flashy colorful webapps saturate the online world. Also, I can literally make a webpage simply by dragging elements in a GUI. Whoever still interacts with a webpage with markup (or rudimentary text fields) is either too dumb or too smart for us to talk to. (Should we cite that shitty Jimbo Wales paper here?)

Pharmacodynamics

Mechanism of action (2.4KB). Request through your institute for high-res image.

Access to other opinions

Early exposure of Uncyclopedine greatly contributes to human development. Eventually, the medicated will develop multiple talents invaluable to the rapidly developing modern world, pushing the edge of science and humanities in the trek toward equality and intelligence. Together with the knowledge and creativity, a regular dose of Uncyclopedine will bring you to the frontiers of human knowledge.

Anti-angst

Uncyclopedine is used to treat existential angst through reversing disillusionment and obfuscating the uncanny reality. It demonstrated emptiness-numbing and trauma-inactivation properties – even more than those of social activities, political movements, and Scientology. Altered mental state, commonly called a "stupidity trip", is common immediately after administration of the medication, indicating hypnotizing effects. Combined with higher scores of dissociation exclusively from self-report, it is safe to conclude that Uncyclopedine is definitely fun to snort.

Through the psychoactive properties similar to tricycle antidepressants, Uncyclopedine is able to suppress the death instinct, block the receptors of pain (i.e. eyes and ears), and ease irony deficiency anhedonia.

Wikipedol antagonist

One integral part of Uncyclopedine production is to satirize Wikipedol producers, covering their extreme stiffness on editing to the medical history of their overlord's moe side. However, Wikipedians are rapidly catching up with their own entertaining matters, including the edit wars over color of templates, Main Page deletion, and actual hilarious obscenities. The stance of coevolution with Wikipedians puts Uncyclopedians in an invaluable and unique advantage.

Self-awareness

An overabundance of subject-specific language is found to disrupt the underlying neurological mechanisms of optic nerve inflitration control. Also, the word porosity value, defined as the ratio of average word length to average paragraph height, is positively correlated to language processing efficiency. After computer-assisted multiple variance analysis involving some sexy curves, we got it, technobabble is bad!

Limitations

Unfortunately, current evidence is of low quality and mostly inconclusive, so trials with larger samples and better designs are warranted. Further research should also address the lack of public awareness on this topic, since correct usage of Uncyclopedine will increase subjective well-being, contributing to national prosperity and a brighter future. We have striven to depict how centuries of suffering and inequality can be cured by this novel medication. The field of Uncyclopedine shows promising potential, demands more scholarly attention and seeks more funding.

See also

• Uncyclohexane
• Biochemistry

Fun reads and references

1. Wikipedia editors hit with $10 million defamation lawsuit by Canada’s Yank Barry. Fernando Alfonso III. Jun 24, 2014. The Daily Dot.
2. The great Wikipedia titty scandal. Quinn Myers. 2021. Melmagazine.