Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/User:Monika/UnNews:Band of pirates subdued by Navy SEALs
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Some little thing I jotted down today. (Yes, I actually wrote something short... weird, isn't it?) It's currently a block of text, but I'll be formatting it up as time allows. The narrative demands it be put up on April 25th, so I have until then. I have every intention of shopping up Chris Bowes getting headshotteded. If you review it before then, just imagine this with blood splatter. --monika 08:00, 20 April 2009 (UTC)
PS. Warning to potential reviewers: Contains metal. Should stand alone with no previous knowledge or fandom, but I figured I'd warn you anyway.
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PEE REVIEW IN PROGRESS of giving you his opinion and pretending you care. |
| Humour: | 8 | Hey Monika! Let's see what we've got.
Paragraph 1: Sets up the concept nicely: in a parody of our conflict with Somali pirates, Navy SEALs attack a bunch of metal musicians dressed as pirates. I dig. Okay. Paragraph 2: Funny, but a couple unclear things. 1) Was Bowes actually taking hostages, or is pulling someone up on the stage part of the act? I couldn't tell. 2) Why is the song "Keelhaul" apparently about waterboarding, when keelhauling actually exists? Paragraph 3: Okay, that's pretty funny, and parodies our recent attack on those pirates pretty nicely. Paragraph 4: I think this is a hilarious image - SEALs sniping crowd-surfing metalheads. One problem, though: we were just told the hostages were up on the stage, and now we're learning the "pirates" are crowd-surfing through the crowd. I can't really reconcile that. Paragraph 5: I cracked up at "the French are also helping." That was awesome. Paragraph 6: I feel like you could get more mileage out of the idea of a band pretending to be pirates releasing a pirated version of their own album, thus making them information pirates pretending to be high seas pirates - and making the kind of piracy they're being sniped for a little unclear. It's amusing the way it is, but I can't help but feel this could be expanded into something truly hilarious. Paragraph 7: This seems weak: no jokes that I could see, and just a long list of bands. I'd look for a better way to end the article. Overall, quite good. |
| Concept: | 9 | Nothing wrong with the concept here. It might be too thin for a longer article, but it works nicely for an UnNews. |
| Prose and formatting: | 9 | The prose is great. The formatting is unexceptional but fine. A "sources" section might be a good idea. Also, categories. News templates? Links? I'm sure you're planning on getting to all that, though. |
| Images: | 7 | I'm giving you a "seven" which is sort of an average of the "5" the picture gets now and the "10" that a very funny headshot Photoshop could be worth. |
| Miscellaneous: | 4 | 4 cause, I don't know, the score is too high right now. I mean, it is an unfinished article, after all. I've sort of been scoring based on what I expect will be there. |
| Final Score: | 37 | You're on the right track. This is pretty damn funny and within striking distance of a feature. I hope I said something useful in the humor section.
Good luck! Looking forward to the finished product. |
| Reviewer: |  pillow talk 19:28, 22 April 2009 (UTC)
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Thanks for the response. Bit pressed at work, but some simulation is running. This'll probably be quick and I'll take a longer look later.
Looks like the biggest problem here is some stuff that's unclear. I'll explain briefly here in case that helps with any further feedback, and adjust the article later.
Bowes pulls audience members onto the stage for the drinking songs at the end of the act. (Alestorm likes their drinking songs.) The song Keelhauling is about keelhauling. I need to find a better way to describe it that draws more subtle parallels to waterboarding. As is, I suspected it was too much, and you confirmed that. The SEALs are the ones crowdsurfing. I'll need to clear that up in the article.
Paragraph 7 was intended to be a non-joke that ends the article the way every press release and news report about the festival ends. (I like it... ::sniff::)
Thanks for the help and sorry for any shortness now. I need to get back to work. --monika 19:42, 22 April 2009 (UTC)